


Targeted

by whiteleander



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Explicit Language, F/M, Graphic Description, Minor Character Death, Panic Attacks, Past Character Death, Past Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-10-31
Packaged: 2018-07-10 23:53:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 57,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7013701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiteleander/pseuds/whiteleander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Time slows as you spot the Winter Soldier heading in your direction, he holds a gun in his hands. You can't move, you freeze completely. He lifts his gun up, pointing straight at you.</p><p>"This is it. I'm dead."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo, this is a Bucky/Reader type of fanfic, set after the events of The Winter Soldier. You might consider this a sort of AU since I changed up a few things concerning the plot line of TWS, aaaaand Civil War has nothing to do with the story--basically because I've been sitting on the first chapter for a year, and CW was nowhere to be released then.
> 
> I don't really know what else to say, I'm just so awful with notes, summaries and tags...

"Why is this happening to me?" You mutter to yourself, trying to remain calm but your loud gasps and pounding heart could be heard from miles away.

 

"It's okay..." Steve Rogers is trying to calm you down. You nod silently, but you're freaking out, and the terrifying truth takes your breath away: the Winter Soldier himself is chasing you, and nothing can stop him from assassinating you. You aren’t safe anywhere, not even with Captain America on your side, protecting you.

 

"Perimeters checked and safe, I don't see any sign of him," says Agent Natasha Romanoff as she’s joining you. She lays her eyes on you for a short time, you catch a glimpse of sympathy in them, but you don't have time for bonding, you're shaking so much that you are barely able to stay present and not pass out.

 

"Why is he after you anyway?" Natasha's words shake you to your core, you can't even think you're so scared. Your lips are trembling but you manage to phrase your say slowly.

 

"I— I don't know..." you stutter.

 

An unexpected noise echoes around in the desolated building you're hiding at, you nearly jump up and scream, the stress unbearable. But seconds pass and you're still alive, at least you feel so, so you soothe yourself—it must be just some noise in the dark night.

 

"We know that you're with HYDRA," states Captain Rogers firmly.

 

Salty sweat drops down on your forehead, you swallow before saying "I am—I _was_ their little puppet, tangled in strings but things have changed after the Hellicarrier incident at the Triskelion. I thought I could be free, but I was wrong. You just can't quit working for HYDRA."

 

"You're wrong," interrupts Natasha. "You've got everything in the world to be who you want to be. The question is _who_ you want to be."

 

"Why are you helping me anyway?"

 

You're not an idiot though, you can sense that it's not just because they swore to protect people, your gut says it's about something more, even though none of them say a thing. You're eager to know, but you're just too damn exhausted. Your eyelids feel heavy, you're scared and your mind is dizzy, and you soon fall asleep…

  
  


"...wake up... Wake up, NOW!"

 

You're being dragged out of your sweet dream, at first you don't even remember where you are. Steve's hovering over you—apparently trying to wake you up and he looks a little anxious—and you soon awake fully, the fear in your stomach is re-growing. The sweet shelter coming from your mind having been on standby mode while asleep slowly fades, and you’re back in the real world, back to being haunted and your life turning upside down, but you can't have a mental breakdown just yet.

 

"Get up, we're on the move," the Captain says.

 

He helps you to stand up, you're on your feet in seconds, with your motions puzzled and unsure, so you just frown all confused.

 

"Whh—why? Where are we going?"

 

You don't get answers and you're starting to have enough and reach your breaking point. You gather your courage and strength to resist.

 

"If you want me dead, just shoot me already! I have enough of people making such fuss about this!" You raise your voice, feeling more and more confident by each word you phrase. You're really on the edge of your tolerance. You may be a traitor to SHIELD in a way, but you won't stand anyone dragging you around like a stupid doll anymore.

 

Steve’s gazing at you, he’s rather astonished seeing you throwing a tantrum. You expect him to put you in your place or something—given that you are just an _enemy_ from his point of view, not knowing the whole truth about you—but then he surprises you when his face softens. He lets out a deep sigh, then starts talking to you. He still seems very serious but much kinder.

 

"I won't let you die, I _promise_." He pauses a little, which makes you suspicious but you believe him. "We just have to keep going."

 

You realise he's not so expert at lying, but you still nod. You trust your instincts, you know there's more here that meets the eye, but you know Steve wasn't lying when he said he'd protect you, and it's enough for you for now.

  


Hours have passed as you are on your way you have no actual idea where, but you don't even care anymore. The sun is shining bright and warm above your head, the three of you are now walking in a park filled with families enjoying the lovely weather.

 

You nearly forget about any danger that may be around, you don't even have second thoughts about why you're strolling in a park when you should be hiding away from the public where you could be tracked down so easily…

 

But who cares if an assassin is after your blood, anyway? You just enjoy the sunshine, your face held up to the sky, eyes closed. You feel so relaxed and happy—it's like a dream.

 

Then you hear a high-pitched scream, and your world shakes again.

 

People around you start running, screaming all along. You don't understand what's going on, you don't see anything besides civilians running up and down. Turning your head around you have to come to the conclusion that Steve and Natasha are out of your sight, they’re not with you anymore.

 

"What happened? They were right behind me moments ago..."

 

You're panicking now, fear trails down your spine as you begin to question yourself: was that really a moment ago, or did you just space out?

 

Something's very wrong, you can feel it but you still hope it's just some kind of stupid joke. You look around, searching for Steve and Natasha, and you notice _him_.

 

Time slows as you spot the Winter Soldier heading in your direction, he holds a gun in his hands. You can't move, you freeze completely. He lifts his gun up, pointing straight at you—his moves are so mesmerizing, somehow you just can't get your eyes off him even when he's targeting you. You realise you're not afraid though, you welcome your end but you close your eyes because you don't wish to see how he's firing at you.

 

You hear the gunshot, but you don't feel any pain, and that makes you wonder, but in the next moment you're pushed to the ground violently.

 

"Run! We hold him off!" Natasha gets up on her feet soon and runs toward the Winter Soldier who you see now is fighting with Steve. But thinking about that, the Captain rather looks like only defending himself than actually attacking the assassin, and he’s even talking to him, but neither you can hear what he’s saying, nor you care—you’re trying to survive here.

 

Still, millions of questions rush through your mind vividly, but your desire for survival is stronger, so you get up on your feet and start to run—you run for your life.

 

You cannot hear properly what's happening around you, your ears are ringing. Adrenaline fills your body and you feel a little stronger.

 

You're running for a while and you don't hear anything from the fight anymore, so you stop to look back. You're gasping for air when you turn around, confused that you don't see anything again, like you just imagined the whole thing; you don't see Steve or Natasha. Even the Winter Soldier seems gone.

 

You realise this is your chance finally, you just have to keep running if you want to break free. You turn around quickly and you spot a car left there with open doors which you certainly could use to get away with, so you run toward it.

 

Before you could get any closer to the vehicle, the assassin gets ahead of you in a blink of an eye—he appears from nowhere and he lands at the top of the car you wanted to escape with. You nearly fall because of the abrupt slowdown you have to do, the Winter Soldier is so close it catches your breath.

 

 _"This is it. I'm dead,"_ you think to yourself but you can't give up so easily—the adrenaline in your veins keeps you all pumped so you start to run in a different direction.

 

Looking back to check the assassin behind you, you lose sight of him—again—but you don't decelerate, just keep on running forward, still looking back and not in front of you.

 

You're fool enough to think you’ve really lost the assassin, but when you turn your neck to look ahead again, you spot him. He's right before you now, and you just keep going in his direction because he's too fast and you can't move around that quick. Also, your brain fails to send signals to your legs to slow down and change direction, it’s like you just cannot function anymore.

 

The Winter Soldier’s whole figure burns in your retina as you're getting closer and closer to him, unable to escape your fate, then the world fades to black as you run into him, you run into death.

  
  


You don't know where you are but you must be _alive_ —at least the tight and rough fabric cutting into your skin is just too damn painful for you to be dead. Heaven isn't supposed to be like that, though maybe you've arrived in hell.

 

 _“Looks like I just don't deserve to rest in peace…”_ You think, but you open your eyes out of curiosity.

 

Hell doesn't seem like swirling flames all around, but the dim light in the room is still hurting your eyes. On top of that, you're starting to feel that you have a splitting headache, you'd raise one hand to touch where you think you have hit your head, but your hands are tied together and your body's limb, your moves dizzy. You realise though that you're lying on a bed as you sit up slowly. You start to look around, still confused, when you notice _him_.

 

The Winter Soldier is sitting in a chair not so far from you, but still far enough to keep his face in the shadows. He doesn't say a word, he's just looking at you with his light blue eyes that seem so old and worn, but his gaze is so intense that you start to shiver and have to look away.

 

You see a glass of water on the bedtable next to you, you're so thirsty it burns your throat but you just can't make a move.

 

You sense some distortion in the corner of your eye, and in the next minute the Winter Soldier is standing right next to your bed. You're paralysed, but you can't really decide if it's out of being utterly terrified or absolutely stunned that he's grabbing the glass of water, apparently with the intention of giving it to you.

 

_“What the actual shit is going on here??!”_

 

You just cannot figure out why he's done all this, and most of all: what is he gonna do to you and why did he kidnap you in the first place? You're not that valuable or something—you're just an ordinary and dull person who was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and got caught up in the middle of two intelligence agencies’ warfare.

 

 _“Maybe HYDRA is behind this, and it's just another sick game that they're playing to me,”_ your scattered thoughts rocket through your mind but you still accept the offered glass of water the assassin is holding for you to drink.

 

It's all weird and embarrassing, and you have to be careful with swallowing, ‘cause you just don't want the whole thing ending up in your lap—that would never happen though, since this cruel and heartless murderer is tilting the glass so gently that you are perfectly able to swallow in your own slow-paced rhythm. It's like he's done this several times… It's just so suspicious, but even if it's just a trap, your eyes are glued to the assassin’s, it's like you've been mesmerised and no matter how odd the whole situation is, you just can't stop looking into the shimmering steely blues of his eyes.

 

_“Why?”_

 

This one question echoes in your head as you watch the assassin gently placing the empty glass back on the bedtable. You've seen him in action—up close—you've seen how mercilessly he can kill people without hesitation, now you're completely astonished by how calm he appears to be.

 

“I won't hurt you.”

 

First you don't even realise it’s really him talking. You're so confused, especially because his voice sounds so—you can't find the proper words, but the sound of his voice has a nice ring, even if said voice is hardly audible, deep and hoarse.

 

You still have no idea about what he wants to do with you, especially how you could benefit him, but you just don't know what to ask and what to say, you're not sure if you could pronounce a word at all.

 

The Winter Soldier on the other hand appears to be in a quite chatty mood.

 

“You're working for HYDRA.” He states. You feel an instant disgust in your stomach—because you didn't ask for HYDRA, you didn't want to get involved with this, you're as much of a victim as anyone else getting harmed because of the evil organisation—but you don't say a word. Not that anyone would listen to your explanations anyway… People just want to blame someone, and if they can't get HYDRA, they're satisfied blaming you. You—a pawn in their crazy game.

 

“You help me with _something_ , then you're free to go.”

 

The way the assassin looks into your eyes after he spoke just sends chills down your spine. You can't tell if there's any anger in those blue eyes, any despise toward you “being” HYDRA, but you still think this just has to be a joke.

 

Like, how the hell could you possibly help a super assassin against a bunch of creepy dudes, hungry for world domination?

 

You don't know, and you also can’t decide whether he was lying about setting you free, but your life just couldn't get any more screwed up, could it?

 

All you can do for now is nod your head silently, and try not to scream out loud as the Winter Soldier pulls a knife out of his pocket—only to untie your hands.

 

At least he takes your comfort into consideration, doesn't he?


	2. Chapter 2

Distressing silence is all around as your conscious returns back to reality from a wild dream. You’d like to fall back asleep but you're fully awake now, and your stomach is practically empty. You rub your eyes, trying to focus in the dark room around you, searching for your clock to check the time, but you don't find it on its regular spot next to your bed. In fact, you don't find any of your personal items in your room, and this room is not even yours.

 

This is when it all comes back to you—you're not at home, you've been kidnapped by the Winter Soldier. He wants your help, only he knows for what reason, because you've always been an ordinary girl, you know nothing extraordinary that the assassin could use.

 

Except the fact that you're a member of SHIELD.

 

It's nothing fancy though, not at all that super-spy type of a thing people go crazy about. You're in the computer science department, given your expertise with technology and modern gadgets.

 

Your big missions only consisted of looking at monitors all day. You would never have thought that you could get into any trouble, and even though you loved computers and you loved your job, it still was boring.

 

Until that night…

 

Slowly sitting up on the bed—which may not be yours but it's actually way softer that the one you own in your home—you fear making any noise and are afraid to look around. The assassin may have said he wouldn't hurt you, but you still shit in your pants every time he's around. You don't see much of him though, it's been one day or maximum two since he brought you here, and you were basically sleeping most of the time.

 

“Where exactly can this place be?” You wonder as you stand up and start looking around. There are no windows—and it’s quite distressing—there's no sound, no traffic, no neighbours, nothing, only your loudly palpitating heart is all you can hear.

 

You subconsciously rub your wrists—you still feel the sharp pain of the robe the Winter Soldier has tied your hands with cutting into your flesh. You don't understand why he untied your hands, maybe he thinks that you're too afraid to try to escape, or he's super sure you couldn't find your way out of here.

 

_“We'll see about that.”_

 

Although you're on the verge of passing out because of hunger and stress, you are determined to leave the room and try to find any means of escape— or at least something to eat, thus making your chances greater for survival.

 

It takes a while until you find your way to the door through the darkness. The doorknob easily turns and you open the door—to your greatest surprise—soon you find yourself tiptoeing from one corridor to another. It's not as dark there as it was in your room; the soft, yellow-ish light is comforting to your eyes and you see just perfectly.

 

You don't dare breathe, you're so afraid of the assassin finding you, and when you spot him in a room lying on a couch, you cannot believe you really are this lucky.

 

You know full well that your fighting skills are pretty bad— _zero_ , actually—and you are aware of the dangers of the assassin but you can't stop yourself from at least trying to do something in order to break free. Besides, even if he's a super soldier, he still could be knocked out in his sleep, right?

 

_“Even if he does that sort of thing, though. Maybe he's just a robot who doesn't need sleeping…”_

 

You look around, meaning to find anything you could use as a weapon, when you spot some kind of gun on a 3-drawer chest in the corner in his room, pretty close to the door— hence it’s pretty close to you. You've never shot before, but it cant be that hard, can it? At least you know that you have to aim and pull the trigger.

 

One step at a time, you're getting closer to the gun—for a moment, you really think you can escape. Your lucky star must be shining somewhere ‘cause you reach the gun, your hands are nearly on the grip, when—

 

“I wouldn't do that.”

 

You paralyse, thinking, _“That's it. I'm dead.”_ There's no way of making any excuses for the situation is clear, your heart is beating in your throat, your hands are sweating and you're practically shaking from your toe to the top of your head. You don't have the courage to look at the Winter Soldier though, you're practically just waiting for him to end your very much miserable life but he doesn't seem to make any move.

 

_“What is he doing? Is he playing mind games on me? I just can't understand this guy. Especially not with an empty stomach...”_

 

 _“_ By the way, the firearm is unloaded,” he informs you whilst getting up from the couch and slowly walking over to you. “You couldn't have used it.”

 

He's standing right next to you—taking away the gun and putting it in the drawer—and the short distance between you two doesn't really make you feel any better.

 

“So this is why you still left it on a place where I can easily find it? Was it just a test?”

 

You cannot believe you really had the guts to talk to him. The assassin doesn't respond at first, he's studying every inch of you with his steely blue eyes which are practically sparkling in the dark, and you feel pretty much lightheaded under his scrutinising gaze.

 

“Test? No, I just…” he seems rather confused, and it's just damn interesting and weird. “...left it there.” If there was any light in the room and the man hadn't been a bloody assassin, you would've thought that he actually _shrugged._

 

Making the situation more and more awkward, your stomach growls—quite loud, quite for long—and it's no way he missed to hear it.

 

“There's food in the fridge,” he says before turning his back on you, heading back to where he was lying a couple of minutes ago. He's halfway to his destination when he suddenly stops, looking back at you above his shoulder. You frown, wondering if you did anything wrong this time ‘cause you've been just standing there like a stupid scarecrow.

 

Not that you could look any dumber, you just ask: “And where's the fridge, exactly?”

 

You hear him let out a quiet sigh, then he goes to a small coffee table that is strangely placed beside the arm of the couch and not in front of it in the middle, and pushes some buttons on an equipment. Lights turn up everywhere, the sudden brightness hurting your eyes, but what you see amazes you more: the Winter Soldier isn't just a scary killer machine anymore, neither he is dark features in the shadows. He's a tall and quite scruffy looking man, and he’s totally different from what you've seen so far. He's wearing a casual hoodie and sweatpants; so much unlike the fearsome assassin he was dressed up  like earlier.

 

Looks like cold blooded serial killers like comfy clothes too.

 

His facial expressions are unreadable, he looks so indifferent that you wonder if he has any feelings at all… He can't seem to take his eyes off you though, but you think it's just the way an assassin is; always observing his surroundings and calculating everything.

 

And he knows damn well that you're no match for him, this is why he lets you sneak around the place freely.

 

After a minute or two, he starts walking over to you again. He stops right before you, and says: “I'll show you the way to the kitchen.” Then he leaves.

  
You need a moment to gather yourself—you just never expected the Winter Soldier to look so much like the boy next door—then you follow him, in hope for having your rumbling stomach finally filled.


	3. Chapter 3

Your days didn't consist of anything else except walking from one room to another—first you wanted to map the whole place, so you might just find out something about how to escape, but later you realised that in fact, taking a short walk around is the only thing that keeps your mind occupied and prevents you from crying in your room all day.

 

The Winter Soldier doesn't say much to you either, but you regularly see him cleaning his weapons and maintaining several of his little _toys_. He said that he wanted your help, yet he hasn't enlightened you what that help would consist of doing.

 

You're just feeling like a grounded kid but you don’t even have anything you could get yourself occupied with.

 

Secretly watching the assassin from a distance proved to be your greatest entertainment though. You’ve been trying to get to know his character, his motives and most of all, his exact plans with you, but you just couldn't get the whole picture.

 

Why kidnap an insignificant girl when you could just go and get what you want with your terrifying, yet outstanding combat skills and a pretty effective metal arm? It just didn't make any sense.

 

Getting lost in your musings, you forget where you are—and that you're in fact _spying_ on your captor—and you let out a long sigh, that the assassin apparently hears ‘cause for a short pause he stops what he's doing and he tilts his head toward your direction, though he isn't looking straight at you.

 

You feel embarrassed about getting caught peeping, so you just leave the assassin and head for the kitchen.

 

When he first showed you around the place, it felt pretty weird, but what made you interested the most was how the hell he had a fridge quite well on food. Like, does he just put on his assassin boots and goes grocery shopping every day, or orders it online and kills the delivery guy instead of paying for the goods?

 

“ _Yeah, the basement must be full of corpses.”_

 

You shrug off all distressing thoughts, since you've been planning on eating, but can't help yourself thinking about the night from a few days earlier whilst making yourself a sandwich.

  


_“Kitchen,” he flicks the switch on the wall and you can see the kitchen in its full glory. It's quite well-equipped despite the fact that the place looks rather ancient and you always pictured this building to be some sort of deserted warehouse from the outside, and you expect giant rats running around all the time._

 

_You're just hungry as hell but you don't dare go to the fridge and discover its content—especially not after you just tried to shoot your “host” in his sleep._

 

_Said host doesn't say anything else now, he's just about to turn around and possibly go back to where he was before you intruded there. You're practically shocked why he doesn't intend to say anything else, so you just blurt it out._

 

_“That's it? I won't get punished for trying to kill you? Don't think I'm masochistic but that's just really odd for the situation. I mean I'm still a hostage—”_

 

_“If you expect me to chain you up on a wall and stand by your side all day pointing a gun to your head, it's not my style. In fact, I don't ever keep hostages.”_

 

_Here comes the freaky assassin again. You might as well just feel “lucky” he didn't kill you on first sight._

 

_“You know what?”_

 

_You want to prevent this shit going nastier than it already is—like, if he wanted to comfort you with what he's just said about you being the first one he basically let live, it's not really working for you—so you just decide to change the topic._

 

_Besides everything, the guy acts real “cool” but you think it's just a trick and you don't want to use up his capability to play it nice, for your situation could easily be worse._

 

_”Let's pretend I haven't said anything.” You continue. “I'm aware that the way you're keeping me here is quite—let’s say—luxurious, and it's rather confusing so… I just feel like I should be >>thanking<< you, whereas thanking you for kidnapping me and keeping me imprisoned seems pretty much insane.” You let out a sarcastic and anxious giggle, quite embarrassed. “I just don't know what to do…” _

 

_The assassin doesn't say anything, he's just looking at you, possibly trying to analyse your every inch, then a couple of moments later he replies, “You don't have to thank me anything. Just do what I'm asking you to do when the time comes, and you'll be free to go.”_

 

_You may be young and naïve but you just know he isn't lying—you can see honesty in his eyes, which just makes you much more confused. It's like he's begging you not to do anything stupid again ‘cause he'd hate to hurt you, but that's just plain insane, right?_

 

_On every footage you've seen of him killing people, he didn't look like regretting any of it then, but now he just seems like a whole different person?_

 

_“Bathroom is a few meters away on the left. I'm sure you can find your way back to your room.”_

 

_And he just leaves._

  


“Who the hell is this guy?” You wonder, munching on your delicious sandwich. The assassin seems like an unsolvable mystery, and you can't help but become more and more intrigued.

 

Days have passed but he hasn't told you anything yet, you don't know anything specific about what you have to do, but the main question is: whether you can do it at all. You're not a super human.

 

Still, seeing him _petting_ all of his equipment seems pretty obvious, like he's preparing for something, and you have the feeling that whatever it is that he wants from you, you'll find out soon enough.

 


	4. Chapter 4

“He practically said that I should make myself feel home, right?” You muse while peeping in the fridge and trying to come up with something to make out of the ingredients you just see in there. A bowl of fresh plums draws your attention and you decide to make a sort of dessert. You've been quite well fed in the last few days but the Winter Soldier is like a ghost, one time he's here, and another times he just oddly disappears, like now—you haven't seen him basically since last night and you dare take your time and look around.

 

Right now, you just feel like making something sweet for your destroyed nerves, so you just start messing around in the kitchen.

  


Time flies when you're busy, doing things also occupies your mind so you don't just sit in your room contemplating about your disastrous life, and you too totally forget about the assassin and the fact that you actually hasn't seen him for hours just provides a great opportunity for finding means of escape, but you're just too cheerful—feels like it's the first time in a long time—to let negative thoughts and problems back in your mind.

 

In fact, you feel so relaxed spending your time in the kitchen that you start singing as well, like you're in your own apartment and not being a hostage at a freaky assassin’s secret hideout.

 

It's time the dessert is ready so you open the oven to check—that fine smell fills up your nostrils, and you know it must be just delicious. You turn off the oven and leave it open to let it cool off a bit, you're about to go and find a tray or a flat plate but when you turn around you notice the Winter Soldier leaning against the door frame, in full glory of his tactical gear, and you nearly scream out loud. You practically forget the image of him looking like the cutest guy ever in his hoodie and sweatpants he was wearing the other night, the terrifying killer is all you can see and fear trails up your spine inch by inch.

 

His steely blue eyes are glued to you, you feel yourself shiver, and you're just so embarrassed and scared that you start rumbling about.

 

“I'm sorry, I was just making something for…” You look at the clock on the wall. “... dinner, I guess.”

 

The Winter Soldier seems to be short on words now, the tension is unbearable. Then he just slowly walks over to you, still not a word spoken, and you swallow—it's like he's coming to execute you.

 

He's like a true predator, his whole figure screams “menace” yet you just can't move, you can't think, you can't even look away—you're so mesmerised by his persona,  and he just makes you paralysed; it's like those predator plants who attract the prey with their pretty looks.

  


The assassin stops a few inches away from you, then presents a flat object to you. “It's a computer. Can you get it to work?”

 

“First of all, this is a _tablet_ , and yes, I can get anything to work.” Fear and confusion get beaten by excitement and you just grab the device. While doing so, your fingers unavoidably meet the assassin’s and the sudden touch—despite lasting for a blink of an eye—sends buzzing electricities up on your arm.

 

You look up at the assassin because you're just eager to know if he felt the same, but his face seems emotionless and indifferent, yet somehow he looks kind of… _exhausted_?!

 

What shakes you to your core though is that he's standing so close to you and suddenly it hits you: beneath the psycho-assassin looks, he's quite _handsome_.

 

_"Am I already developing some sort of Stockholm syndrome or something?"_

 

You don't like at all where your thoughts are wandering, but you just can't unnotice how  _beautiful_ his eyes are from up close—it's like winter sunshine reflecting on steel, yet it's still breathtaking, and gazing into them you feel a weird sensation in your chest, and it makes you shiver.

 

The assassin misreads your embarrassment and confusion for being scared though.

 

"I told you I’d not hurt you. Even if you're trying to kill me in my sleep."

 

You feel yourself blush, even if you know very well that you can't be blamed for wanting to escape from your captor—even if he's not that ugly after all.

 

“We both made quite bad first impressions,” you say, not looking at the man because you just don't want to be thinking those crazy thoughts that are slowly emerging in your head—you'd rather occupy yourself with the piece of seemingly HYDRA device you're studying in your hands.

 

“Where did you get this?” The computer nerd is talking out of you, you're just too excited about the gadget, it looks so modern and nothing you've seen in SHIELD.

 

“You don't need to know.”

 

“You're right, but I already know… It's—”

 

“HYDRA.”

 

This is when you realise that he wants you to hack it. You're eager to do it—you've always liked a good challenge—and it's just the most brilliant opportunity for you to get your nerdy hands on one equipment of the enemy’s but you have your doubts and concerns.

 

“I maybe work for HYDRA,” you almost choke on your words and you have to fight off an instinctual shrug and the disgust, “but I don't know all their stuff.”

 

“You have skills in computer science. You can work it out,” he's about to leave you, then he turns back just to add:

 

“And don't try asking for help.”

 

If you really thought the man looked kinda _hot_ , it's all gone for now. The way he's looking at you with his cold, intimidating eyes reminds you of the sad truth: you're a hostage, all helpless and alone with a killer whose intentions aren't clear—wasn't the Winter Soldier with HYDRA? Wasn't he their slayer who killed many people for them? What is he doing now, and how do you fit in the picture?

 

“I wouldn't even think about it,” you retort sarcastically. It amazes you how you're on the edge of losing your shit because of the situation you're in, still you try to keep your cool. But it's just the way you are, always trying to get through difficulties not losing your humour for a second—at least it's still better if you laugh about it then crying in your room all the time.

 

What also astonishes you is the strange glance the Winter Soldier sends you hearing your sassy comment, it almost looks like he's _amused_.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting the new chapter one day earlier because Muse played my freaking favourite song Map of the Problematique at Glastonbury yesterday and I'm just so fuckinn happy I got to see the livestream ^^ *-* <333
> 
> Anyway, sorry for the off-topic rant, I don't even know why I needed to rumble about that, lol. 
> 
>  
> 
> Some few other notes: I think I should be adding some tags or warnings, as things are about to get messy and I don't want anyone triggered by my trashy writing, so I try to tag everything which may trigger some of you because I really want all of you be safe and happy (like our precious little Bucky should be). 
> 
> It's no big deal, I just... Suddenly I'm getting scared knowing that there are a bunch of people reading my stuff in here and I'm a little anxious about fucking up or Idk...
> 
> But before this note gets longer than the actual chapter, I shut up for now-- there's one thing left tho: I never know how to write naive and naivety, so sometimes it's with a simple i, and sometimes it's with ï. So sorry about my shit grammar *blushes af*

_“And don't try asking for help.”_ The assassin's words echo in your mind hours later when you're in your room trying to get that HYDRA tablet he's given you work, with no actual success yet.

 

You feel like a failure, there's no such thing you couldn't figure out and get to work,  yet this stupid HYDRA device is still giving you a hard time, and the assassin’s words also annoy you.

 

If only you could call for help—you basically have no one.

 

You can't send an SOS signal to Captain America or SHIELD for they consider you their enemy, and you sure as hell don't want to phone HYDRA—being a prisoner of the Winter Soldier is scary as hell, but you're just damn glad HYDRA can no longer lay any fingers on you.

  


“Fuck you,” you throw the tablet away and just lie down on the bed. Maybe you just need to get some sleep, and you can work it out tomorrow when your mind isn't revolving around the assassin and you don't get scared by your own thoughts.

  
  
  


You wake up in the middle of the night, hearing terrifying screams from a couple of rooms away.

 

_No way, is it him?_

 

You get up silently and go in the direction of the loud screams and groans, and you find the Winter Soldier sitting on the ground in the bathroom—his tactical gear and weapons are thrown around on the floor—in all discomfort, like he's in a lot of pain. It just terrifies you but you still want to escape from here.

 

_“Now is my chance to break free.”_

 

You start to run down the stairs, all surprised that the assassin doesn't follow you. You even lose some precious moments trying to find the exit, and you're constantly looking back to check whether he’s coming after you or not—there's no sign of him, and soon you arrive at a door, you’d just have to hack the lock, and you could get away but…

 

...his screams just haunt you, it's still audible from upstairs and it makes you shake to every bone.

 

“But what has gotten into him?” You wonder. Your fingers are on the lock—it wouldn't even be that hard to unlock, it's reminiscent of older SHIELD prototypes—but you just can't move. Your mind is absent, technically you can't stop thinking about the assassin apparently suffering upstairs and suddenly you realise, “If I come to think about it, it kinda looked like having _panic attacks_. Is he suffering from PTSD?!”

 

_No way, that can't be, he's evil, he can't—_

 

His loud screams echoing around in the silent place break the flow of your thoughts.

  


You know what's going to happen. You turn around, heading up the stairs.

 

“My good heart and naïvety is what will eventually kill me,” you mumble under your nose, then go back to where you were sleeping, feeling yourself helpless for not knowing what to do with the man now you see clearly suffering from a panic attack a few doors away.

 

His screams and groans just start to falter in time, and soon silence is all around again, like nothing's happened before—you actually cannot decide whether the whole thing occured for real or it was just some weird dream.

 

Your thoughts rushing back and forth through your mind, you just can't figure out what's going on, but you eventually fall asleep some time.

  
  


You're feeling quite anxious getting up and leaving your room the next day, but your hunger wins—you're tiptoeing down to the kitchen, hoping that you can steal some food and sneak back to your room without meeting the assassin but you're not that lucky this time.

 

Your heart skips a beat as you notice the Winter Soldier lonely sitting by the kitchen table, eating his possible breakfast. He's apparently wearing at least one shirt and a hooded sweatshirt which isn't zipped up, his long hair quite greasy and disheveled, and your heart just sinks—he looks so miserable, you just can't not feel sorry for him.

 

You still don't know what to say after last night, you almost turn around to go back to your room, in order to avoid an awkward encounter with the assassin, but of course he notices your presence.

 

“There's cereal for you too.”

 

You can't believe that after what just happened a few hours ago, the first thing he talks about is food. You don't complain though, since you're really dying to eat right now, but still, it's just really odd.

 

_“Maybe he's trying to break me down acting like we were roommates or something…”_

 

You decide you play along pretending like you didn't want to escape while he was experiencing—or faking?!—God knows which kind of seizures and you weren't his hostage. On the other hand, the cereal he's eating with yoghurt and fresh fruits looks just delicious, and you'd be a fool not to take the chance and have a bowl of it for yourself.

 

(Strange thing, you spot some of the plum dessert you’ve baked yesterday on a plate before him, and you just don’t know if you should be feeling flattered that he seems to like your hands’ work or be offended that he just took them without asking first.)

 

After turning to the fridge and making your breakfast, you hesitantly sit down by the table in front of the assassin—you're really tempted to just rush back to your room and eat up there, but you feel like that'd be just plain _rude_ —and start having breakfast in silence, munching slowly, tasting every bit, like you haven't eaten for weeks.

 

“Any progress with the flat computer?” You almost choke on your cereal, firstly because he just called that thing a _flat computer_ , secondly because it absolutely astonishes you that he randomly starts a conversation with you after a quite long period of silence.

 

“Well, it's still called a _tablet_ , and no, I just…”

 

Looking up from your bowl you notice how he's eyeing you, and you cannot believe that you blush under his intense gaze. Thank God, there's only one bite of your cereal left, you devour it quickly then stand up to wash your bowl. It's easier to talk to the Winter Soldier when you don't see him staring at you with that look which makes you want to hide under a bed.

 

“But you probably think I just don't want to do it—”

 

“You said you could get to work anything.”

 

“Well, maybe I was a little arrogant. I like to think that I'm excellent at my job—”

 

“Which is?” His voice suddenly sounds from right behind you, he's come after you and is now standing next to you pretty close, putting his bowl in the sink. Small earthquakes start rampaging in your stomach, you feel yourself shaking and it's just so _dumb_ —out of all people on Earth, you have to react like this to this specific assassin, really?

 

“Thought you already knew.” You just can't figure out what he's expecting from you—he took you for a reason, he must know you better than you actually know yourself, why is he acting like he _cares_ about you? What changed? He just seems so different now than he has been days ago, or are you just making this up in your head?

 

Possibly the latter, because you're not blind, you noticed that strong disgust and hate hidden deep in his eyes when he said that the tablet was from HYDRA, and you also know that same feelings must apply toward you since you're also part of HYDRA in the world’s eye.

 

But so is the Winter Soldier, and you just can't understand what's going on in here. He can hate you for your reputation but he sure as well has his own.

 

“I basically just love technology and I'm skilled in computer science. I dunno how to say it,” you shrug as you finish doing the dishes. You wash your hands clean and dry them with a small towel.

 

The assassin is still next to you, you swear you can actually  _feel_ his gaze wandering from one point on your face to another, your cheeks actually burning. You try to fight off your shyness and the stupid feelings he has evoked in you, but it seems just impossible.

 

“Umm, I'll go back and work on that thing,” you basically rush out of the kitchen, leaving the Winter Soldier behind, but even if he was following you, you just couldn't hear it beside your pounding heart loudly beating in your ears.


	6. Chapter 6

“Oh, come on…” you mutter to yourself standing in front of the vending machine—it swallowed the coins you just put in there and it eventually forgot to give out the snack you chose for your belated dinner.

 

You're all alone in the office, it's probably around three in the morning and most SHIELD officers are already at home, sleeping, it's just you who cannot put aside your projects for a minute and regularly pull all-nighters.

 

You decide you better take a break and just head home to get some rest—and most of all: food—so you just go back to your office, grab your stuff and head for the garage.

 

“Nice,” you sigh calling the elevator only seeing it doesn't actually seem to work. “I'm working in the most modern and best equipped organisation of our time but the bloody elevator just breaks down, really?”

 

You're not eager to take the stairs, you're just too damn tired by this time, but you don't have any other choice.

 

“Where's Iron Man when you need him for a ride?” You don't even know if you're heading in the right direction, you left the staircase and now are wandering around on a dark corridor.

 

“I will never ever watch horror films,” you try not to freak out but when you follow the path which leads to an intersection and turning right you spot four STRIKE operatives led by Brock Rumlow beating one fellow SHIELD scientist to death you can't help but gasp out loud.

 

“Boss,” a STRIKE member calls to Rumlow. You're too stupid just standing there like a tree, you should've run away but where? You're in terrible physical condition you just couldn't outrun four trained agents.

 

“Well, well, well… What have we got in here,” Rumlow says while slowly approaching you. He looks up and down on you, you can't move, you can't even breathe. “Killing you too would be such a waste, Agent Pretty Face.”

 

_Is this the end?_

 

“Are you good with secrets?” Rumlow leans closer to you, he's standing mere inches away.

 

“Boss, I don't think it's up to us—” the same man goes up to Rumlow but he just shushes him.

 

“No, but she's gonna be fine, see?” Rumlow’s caressing your face, squishing it a little, which makes you disgusted but you're still all immobile, wishing you were as good of a fighter as Black Widow. “So tell me, sweetheart, do you wanna hear an interesting story about HYDRA and SHIELD?”

 

You're well aware these are the most crucial moments in your life, what you say will determine whether you live or die.

 

So you just nod, all clammed up, which makes Rumlow grin like crazy.

 

“In that case, first thing you have to get into your pretty head is that SHIELD doesn't exist. Second—” He almost slams you against the wall basically leaning on you and pressing his body against yours. You can feel his lips on your earlobe, whispering “Hail Hydra,” and the world starts revolving around.

 

Rumlow steps back, you can't not notice thick lust in his eyes as he's looking up and down on your body, you're so afraid but he doesn't make any further moves, he walks back to the half dead SHIELD scientist—you can't even recognise who he is—pulls out a gun and shoots him in the head.

 

_What have I gotten myself into?_

  


Waking up you feel the same sickness and anxiety but you've gotten quite accommodated with your nightmares, and good thing you don't have mental breakdowns and don't wake up screaming like you're about to die.

 

In fact, you haven't had any nightmares for weeks, so you think it ought to be last night that triggered the memory—if you just come to think about it, it's like you and the Winter Soldier quite have some things in common…

 

Almost two months have passed since you witnessed that SHIELD agent being shot, and you thought you'd get killed off soon but Rumlow didn't go any near you since that ominous night, and you didn't actually hear about HYDRA until the day the three new Helicarriers were supposed to be launched.

 

Now you're here, prisoner with the Winter Soldier, and you can't possibly figure out where your life went this certainly wrong.

 

It doesn't matter what time it is, you know you won't be able to get back to sleep so you get up, and head down to the kitchen. You've spotted some apples in there a few days ago and hope there's still some left in here.

 

Passing by the Winter Soldier’s room you notice that he is sleeping on his regular spot on the couch. You cannot believe how peaceful he looks, and most of all, he doesn't look like someone who murders people at all.

 

Watching him without interruption you realise that he's lying there all uncovered, and you also realise you feel a little cold yourself. You spot a blanket on the arm of the couch, your legs start moving toward the assassin in order to tuck him in.

 

You almost manage to cover him with the blanket, when he suddenly wakes up and attacks you, grabbing you by the neck with his metal arm, flipping you around in mid-air, and roughly pinning you down on the floor.

 

He looks like he's about to tear you in half, you can't breathe because of his strong grip squishing your windpipe, then he seems to come back to his senses and slowly lets go of you and pulls away.

 

“I think my ribs just shattered and evaporated into flour,” you cough.

 

The assassin is all silent at first, you notice how sweaty and confused he is. You don't expect him to say a word, so it really surprises you when you hear his forever coarse voice, sounding quite full of regret.

 

“I'm sorry. I said I wouldn't hurt you…”

 

“It's okay. I shouldn't have disturbed you in your sleep. I just saw you lying here without a blanket and it's quite cold. I wanted to get you wrapped up in a—”

 

“You wanted to… _what_?”

 

You can feel your boiling blood flooding your cheeks. It's madness, you're getting crazy for caring about a ruthless killing machine. Though he just seems like a lost puppy at times.

 

The assassin notices the blanket you tried to cover him with, it’s on the floor a few metres away. He's so puzzled and doesn't know what to think about you.

 

“I think I'll just stay here for a while,” you say, still lying on the floor. “I don't think I can move…”

 

The Winter Soldier seems hesitant, like he doesn't know what to do, then he slowly lies down on the couch. You're practically lying next to each other; you on the ground, trying to analyse if any of your organs have been smashed and have internal bleeding or not, and he's up on the couch, so silent in his thoughts that you can't even hear his breathing.

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

You sigh. You just can't understand the guy—one minute he's a cold-blooded murderer, then a broken man full of remorse and guilt in the next.

 

You just don't know how to handle him.

 

“I think I'll live,” you groan as you slowly sit up, absolutely astonished that you can move at all.

 

You'd like to spend more time with the assassin (He's just such a curious creature and you're only interested in that part, right? You're not developing certain emotions about him at all, that'd be just stupid) but you’re feeling quite uncomfortable being this close to him so you decide you'd better return to your room, totally forgetting about what you came searching for in the first place, your stomach rather empty.

 

“Good night,” you tell him while slowly limping out of his room, your hands pressed on your hurting waist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the cat's out of the bag. I'm sorry if it hasn't been clear what's up with the Reader being Hydra or not - but I guess a little mystery and confusion is good for the business, ehehe - but you have to know about me that I just hate Hydra af (I'm sorry), and I'm so tired of everyone being Hydra in Marvel at this point, that there's no way I'd let the character be a part of it too xD
> 
> (At least not in here, lmao, I'm so cruel and I feed myself on pain that I might've just written something where the Reader is really Hydra, but that's such an early and unfinished work that I don't know if it gets published or I just trash it eventually...)
> 
> But to cut it short, I was really waiting to get to this chapter because it's one of my favourites, although I can't really decide whether that scene with Rumlow is my fav or just cheap af and maybe I went a little overboard with it.
> 
> Also thank you for all the love this fic has received, I'm over the moon reading your reactions and getting kudos and stuff. I'd say I love you in Romanian - for Seb ^-^ - but sadly I dont speak that language and I'm being just to damn lazy to google how to spell it.


	7. Chapter 7

“We're going out.”

 

You still cannot believe the Winter Soldier really said that. You're thrilled and terrified at the same time, you cannot wait to leave this dull building and get some fresh air, but you just can't imagine where he wants to take you.

 

You're standing in a room with him, which kinda looks like some sort of storage. Several equipment is here, some is quite similar to the ones in SHIELD, although most of it must be HYDRA. The assassin is handing you something which you recognise is a Photostatic Veil—a Nano Mask with other words—it's a device used to impersonate people, the mask can mimic basically everybody's face and even voice.

 

 _So this is how he stays off the radar_.

 

“Where are we going?” You ask, taking the mask from him, but it's to no avail, he just doesn't bother to enlighten you. “At least you could tell me who I should be playing…” you mutter under your nose quite grumpily but he just doesn't respond.

 

“We're out of supplies,” he admits eventually, voice low as usual and it's harshing through air as he's speaking. He drops a bag of cash onto the table then.

 

Your breath gets caught in your throat, you've never actually seen that much money in one place before and you wonder who he killed to get it.

  
  


An hour later you're wandering around in a supposed downtown somewhere under the big blue sky. You couldn't see where you travelled since the assassin blindfolded you with a dark scarf and he only took it down when you were in a car heading to God knows where.

 

What makes you wonder is, that despite all the modernities that's around, he's still using a blindfold and he also tied your hands with a rope when he took you.

 

_Maybe he likes playing it old-fashioned, keeping a little fun. I mean, killing people must become boring after a time, mustn't it?_

  


The assassin ordered you to stay put and not try to escape or make a scene while being out and about. You two play a couple, at least he's holding your hand, which makes you slightly nervous—the gesture excites you more than it actually should.

 

_I need to keep in mind that this is just an act and nothing more. It's like I'm his dog on a leash, it should be making me mad, now why is my heart pounding so fast?_

 

You're very much relieved that he's wearing gloves and he possibly can't sense at all how sweaty your palm is, but the unexpected flashes of his shimmering eyes and the way his face is clenching makes you think that you eventually managed to soak his glove with your pouring sweat.

 

_Take it easy, girl…_

  


First you go grocery shopping in a smaller supermarket. Now you get to see why the fridge is always full, and imagining the Winter Soldier strolling up and down the aisles trying to decide what to buy makes your lip curl up a bit.

  


Later you find yourself in a clothing store, picking some new clothes for yourself—the fact that you actually forgot about hygiene and you've been wearing the same clothes for days makes you slightly disgusted with yourself.

 

_I guess he didn't want to tell me straight that I stink, so he brought me to buy some new things to myself. How diplomatic for a killer…_

 

While looking through the goods, you notice the Winter Soldier across the hall—looking like some top model from a magazine having his long brown hair in a bun, and wearing hipster glasses—seemingly having a huge dilemma about deciding which long sleeved top to buy, and the ordinary scenario makes you feel so conflicted.

 

He's more than five metres away, if you wanted a chance to escape, this is certainly it, but you just can't get yourself to walk out of the shop and leave him. Could be easy though; a security man is only a meter away, you’d just need to go up to him and say the magic words.

  


But… it's like you've been tied with the assassin, and the chain is growing stronger each day—what terrifies you the most is that you're not sure if you'd want to break it or not.

 

 _What the hell has gotten into me? I can't be thinking such stupid nonsense_.

 

But it's, in fact, the second time you could've gotten away from the Winter Soldier but you just didn't and you just don't understand why. Yet, you still have some guesses in the back of your mind, buried so deep that you just don’t want to actually phrase it for it would just terrify you to your core, so you just try to ignore it and not think about it at all.

 

Because there must be logical and rational, and less crazy reasons too.

  
For example, it's true that you have nowhere to go (besides, you have certain trust issues, and whenever you see somebody you think they probably must be HYDRA as well, making you stay put and not drawing attention from anywhere) but still, staying with the man who took you prisoner doesn't sound sane either.

 

 _He's slowly messing up my mind_ , you sigh. _What if this is just a game? Maybe it's all Rumlow’s doing. They want to break me…_

 

...and they're sure on the right track since you're well aware that you've started to feel sorry for the assassin days ago when you saw him having a panic attack, and talking about psychology, he's the perfect way to brainwash people into following HYDRA with his handsome face and charismatic persona.

 

You're so into your own thoughts that you actually anger yourself to the point where you are throwing every piece of clothing around.

 

_Was it just a show? Especially to me? The screams at nights, inviting me for breakfast? Is it how HYDRA recruits stupid girls like me, getting them wooed by a freaky assassin who looks nice to the eyes?_

 

You're such a fool for falling for all of that.

 

“Ma’am, is everything okay?” The security guard steps to you. _Shit_. “You seem a little… anxious.”

 

“Oh yeah, I'm fine,” you fake an idiotic laugh. “I'm just so picky and can't seem to find the perfect underwear for the honeymoon, haha.” If you were good at one thing, that was playing the stupid girl.

 

“Ahh…” The man is clearly not into this kind of female crap, you know you managed to scare him away. “Well, you still can ask for help from those lovely shop assistants. They're very helpful.”

 

“Thank you, I'll consider.” And the man goes away, nodding his head and saying “Goodbye”. You let out a deep sigh, then you spot the Winter Soldier from the corner of your eye. He's so good at concealing his emotions—if he actually has any—but you still notice how tense he is now, face stern and his fists are clenched. He keeps scanning the area, looking around from left to right, then from right to left, and he's clearly _distressed_. Almost _panicking_ , if you dare say.

 

You start to pity him—again—but you fight against the surreal feeling, you just don't want your naivety to get you more screwed up.

 

Besides, for everything he's put you through, he deserves a little scare, right?

  
  


A few hours later you find yourself back in the car again, you're heading back to that goddamned place. You expect the Winter Soldier to say something about what happened in the shop, but he's—surprise!—all silent, eyes fixated on the road. If there's a thing like _intensified driving_ , this sure is.

 

Lesser and lesser buildings and people come around as you seem to leave the place you were in, soon it's all a single road with trees and meadows around. The assassin pulls over, and your heart stops for a moment.

 

_Is he about to kill me and just throw me out and leave my dead body here?_

 

You couldn't help but just felt so satisfied when you gave some hard moments to the assassin when he saw you chatting with the security guy, but now it seems like it's firing back at you: you're the one getting all distressed and panicking about what's gonna happen.

 

The assassin's right hand slips into his pocket, making you quiver, then he pulls out the blindfold.

 

Enormous rocks roll down off your chest, you almost laugh out loud hysterically but then he just undoes his seatbelt and turns to you without a word, face still stern, shifting in his seat until he's only a few inches away from you, then he puts the blindfold around your head, covering your eyes. By being this close, you suddenly sense a certain smell, which is—no doubt—his.

 

Some shower gel, some sweat, mixed up with the scent of the washing gel on his clothes, and the scent of his very own, which you can't really describe but it's… _oh_ _so_ _fine_.

 

Then he pulls away, sitting back on the driver’s seat, you hear the click of the seatbelt and then the engine start and you're on the road again. Not seeing a damn thing reassures you this time around, at least you have time to calm down and process what's going on in your head…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter I like quite a lot. I was rereading and editing this lot, not sure if I should post it yet, because I wasn't sure about some things. Like, in a previous chapter I first mentioned Stockholm syndrome because it sounded funny (and it's a decent Muse song, and I love Muse and if you happen to be a Muser, you might notice all those 'musey words' I love using in my writings so much, tehe), but then I couldn't get it out of my mind, and in the next chapters I mentioned it more than I think I should've, and got a little carried away?
> 
> I try rewriting those parts, and try to find it out if I wanna do something with it (tho I didn't plan but it's just stuck with me now, lol), but I still feel like Reader's feelings for Bucky are just too sudden and not justifiable, and Reader having SS is, like, more authentic and reasonable (hint: I intended Reader's feelings for Bucky to be true, but I feel like i went off track and confused myself and got a little lost, lol)
> 
> Well, I definitely loved how slowly things are happening in this fic, especially between Reader and our precious, plum-loving puppy Bucky, but maybe this is one flaw after all? Hmm. (If you have any thoughts/suggestions, just feel free to tell me, cause I'm in a lil' dilemma... X_X)
> 
>  
> 
> Also, I've spent like a good ten minutes trying to find out what that face replicating thing from CA:TWS and AOS is called. Now I feel so fancy and smart knowing it. :P


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm writing here: I edited this chapter, like A LOT, and thanks to Paula, my super sugar plum-mate for all the suggestions that evidently made this chapter better. All mistakes are my own, I'm too sleepy to notice them by now, so I'll just re-read later, please forgive my laziness but i'm sleepy, yet I wanted to just throw the new chapters here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I know I said I'd update every Sundays but I was really busy and then I got "sick" at work (sick means I probably had a mild panic attack) and I really feel bad about it because everyone saw me at my workplace and I was just so tired and sad that I couldn't get my ass up on AO3 and I took a lil break from writing because I didnt feel so great... Anyway, to cut it short, now I'm back with the 8th chapter, and... (more unwanted whining in the end note)
> 
> I hope you enjoy! xx
> 
> PS: I really wanna make up for my actual laziness so I promise I'm gonna post the 9th chapter in time, or maybe on Saturday *claps hands together and bows down for forgiveness*

If you ever felt like the ice was breaking and it was possible to get friendlier with the Winter Soldier, that was just gone after your time spent shopping. A few days have passed since then, and he all seemed like avoiding you. When you were in the kitchen, making lunch or dinner, he just came by, grabbed a fruit then left the room without saying anything. In fact, he didn't even bother looking at you, which almost hurt your pride.

 

What did make you feel quite awful was when you always made dishes for two, you left one portion for him too, only to find it in the fridge several days later, all intact.

 

It didn't matter if you had a decent shower or delicious meals filling your stomach, you were just bored and seeing the assassin clearly holding grudges on you didn't make you feel any better.

 

“Why do I even care? _”_ You toss around a shopping bag on the floor in your room—you bought more clothes than you'd actually need but you didn't care, you didn't even wear them, except for one day when you washed your own clothes.

 

You haven't had any progress with the HYDRA device yet, although it looked like you just lost all motivation. The assassin didn't even ask how you were doing with the computer, it was like he didn't even care about your presence anymore, he was basically looking through you like you weren't there at all.

  


And you don't see much of him either, he's possibly out of reach most of the time—you know now that he's probably out there in disguise doing God knows what.

 

One night you spotted him though, he wasn't wearing his tactical gear, only black clothes with a cap, and he returned at about midnight with a large training bag he soon put in that storage room.

 

You feel tempted to break in there whenever you’re alone in the building, but you just don't bother.

  


“I should do something, or else I'm gonna go crazy being in here all the time every day,” you stretch your numb limbs, then go to the door, only to open it and see the Winter Soldier standing there, slightly surprised. He takes your breath away, the situation is so embarrassing you just don't know what to say.

 

_Was he eavesdropping or just about to come in?_

 

He's taller than you, looking up in his face and getting lost in his steely blue eyes make you a little light-headed. He's quite close, you can smell his characteristic scent again, it's the same that you smelled in the car.

 

“I need your help,” he says after a while. You actually cannot believe he really just said that because how on Earth could you possibly help him?

 

“With what?” You ask, almost inaudible.

 

“We're going… _somewhere_ ,” he answers, not giving away too much and it makes you quite nervous. “Follow me.”

 

You're heading down to the storage. The assassin goes up to the table and he presents a device which looks like a holographic map. You're amazed by the piece of technology and absolutely astonished by how he could make it work—you are the science nerd, yet you couldn't even turn on that HYDRA computer, now you look around and several gadgets are around, possibly all HYDRA.

 

“It's a small HYDRA compound. We're going in there tonight,” he says in a cold tone, like it wasn't a suicide mission at all. You sure wanted to have something to do, but hitting on a HYDRA base is sure not on your bucket list.

 

“ _We_?” Your voice is a high-pitched mess, you're almost crying and you don’t want him to see you weak, but in fact, you are weak, your nerves pretty much wrecked and you hardly can hold yourself together. “Are you sure you want me there? I have no use…” Well, it's the truth, though you're pretty much terrified going anything near that's HYDRA, but the assassin either doesn't seem to realise how scared you are or simply he just doesn't care if you die.

 

“That's not true,” he grabs a bag and hands it to you. You're shivering looking in it, there are some clothes in there with some personal items, and of course, a Nano Mask.

  
  


“Dr Eliza Becket,” you read the name on the access card half an hour later, standing in the bathroom looking in the mirror. You're wearing a black costume, hair in a bun. You haven't put on the mask yet so it's still your face which greets you from the mirror but you just can't recognise yourself already.

 

The Winter Soldier didn't reveal too much of this mission but you figured you had to impersonate a HYDRA scientist. You have her computer and phone, a few notebooks and you're wearing her clothes probably, and you don't want to think about how the assassin managed to get all this at all.

 

But you suppose you're in the shoes of a dead woman now.

 

“Are you ready?”

 

You nearly jump hearing the assassin's voice coming from the bathroom door, but you try to cover your agony. He's changed as well, wearing a black turtleneck with black trousers, his hair brushed aback and waxed. If you weren't about to go on a deadly mission, and he weren't a freaky assassin who took you against your will, you'd say he's quite dashing.

 

“Sure, despite the fact that I don't know how to walk in these five inch heels, I think I'll be fine,” you're determined to conceal how scared you actually are, since the Winter Soldier doesn't give a shit anyway. He wants you to do your part, and who cares if you get killed in the process.

 

 _I should've escaped when I first had the chance_.

  
  
  


Getting to the place wasn't the hardest part. The assassin didn't blindfold you this time—to your biggest surprise—but you still couldn't figure out where his hideaway was, or where the HYDRA base could be.

 

Sure thing you noticed, that you were in a different car, and now sitting in it, waiting for the gates of the small HYDRA facility to open, you feel like having a heart attack at any moment.

 

“Dr Becket,” the guard greets you with a small nod, whilst handing back your access card. You try to hide how much your hands are actually shaking when you take the keycard. “Who's this?” Another guard comes by, hinting at the assassin sitting next to you.

 

The Winter Soldier is also wearing a mask, he doesn't look like himself—later you realise that he must've done something to his metal arm because it looks like a normal flesh limb and he's not wearing gloves—but you just feel like your cover can be blown in any minute.

 

“My personal bodyguard and assistant,” you show off an enchanting, yet snobbish smile, trying not to freak out whenever you speak on someone else's voice. “He's a fine experiment,” you continue. “Almost got into waste but I managed to salvage him for myself. He's my little puppet now and he'd die for me.”

 

You feel like you're getting too carried away with your role, so you try to cut it short. “Gentlemen,” you nod at them, while the gates open and the assassin starts the engine. You're in.

  


You still cannot believe you're doing this, even ten minutes later when you're in a lab with the Winter Soldier, still undercover inside the small HYDRA compound. It's a hidden facility, probably with fifteen or maximum twenty guards around, but you still feel like being in the lion’s cave.

 

The Winter Soldier is getting through some folders and looking into computers, while you're just standing by the door keeping an eye for anybody coming your way. He didn't tell you anything, so you just don't offer him your help. You haven't really worked with computers for weeks, maybe you couldn't even do anything right now, especially not under this much stress since your mind feels rather in a haze, just trying to process what's going on around you. You're getting more and more anxious when you notice the camera on the wall, you're practially heaving and cold fear trails under your skin as you feel like being watched.

 

A sudden sharp noise distracts you from your thoughts. It's the assassin, he's just thrown a metal drawer across the room, you figure he doesn't seem to find what he's been looking for. You're about to ask him if he needs any help, when the alarm goes off—you look at the assassin who's looking at you, you both know that you've been compromised.

 

“We don't have much time,” he pulls out a gun.

 

“Well, I hope you thought about extraction…” He doesn't answer, just sends a look at you which gives you the impression that he didn't really think about how you were going to escape if things went sour. Maybe he thought that would never even happen, being so confident with his skills and all? “Shit,” you mumble under your breath when you see the guards approaching the lab.

 

They don't play around that much, they instantly start shooting at you, and you'd be dead already if the Winter Soldier hadn't pulled you down. “I know you can't fight but at least try to avoid getting hurt,” he mumbles, then he stands up and goes out to the corridor.

 

You stay where you are, sitting on the ground, your back pressed against the wall. You know you should be searching for a proper shelter but you just can't move. Besides, watching the Winter Soldier kicking HYDRA agents in the face one by one feels pretty much satisfying.

 

He basically took out all five agents within a minute, then he just turned around to check on you, when more agents appeared and he missed to notice them.

 

“Watch out!” You shout out but it's too late, he's already been shot on his side. Your fear is basically a mixture of worrying over the assassin and being damn terrified that you're about to get caught, but the Winter Soldier doesn't seem like he's been wounded at all, he's just unstoppable, knocking down everyone who's coming in his way.

 

“Get up, we need to go,” he pulls you up from the ground, you can hardly keep up with him. More guards are coming after you—seems like it's a hundred of them and not only twenty—shooting at you like mad. The assassin tosses you before him not so gently, you could hardly follow him he's running so fast and you're wearing high heels, now you're forced to run in front of him and not slowing him down??

 

He keeps pushing you forward and turning back to shoot at your pursuers. You feel like you're about to spit out your lungs, then — just like in a cheap action film — your high heels give in and unavoidably break (it's a surprise how that didn't occur earlier) and you trip over, hitting the ground quite hard.

 

“Aahh,” you shriek as sharp pain cuts in your ankle. Your ears ringing, your sight blurry, but you still realise how bullets are shooting around you. Your breath catches in your lungs, it's certainly the end for you, because there's just no way out of this.

 

Half terrified, half relieved you are all resigned and ready to welcome your end when the Winter Soldier stands in front of you, it looks like he’s shielding you, and you actually cannot understand what he wants to do because you're clearly outnumbered but then you see him swinging his arm and he throws something at your pursuers. A harsh sound impacts on your eardrums as a small but efficient explosion goes off on the corridor, taking out all agents that have been chasing you.

 

“You couldn't have done that earlier??”

 

Maybe it's because of the ache and you being under shock that you dare to say this to the assassin who is looking down at you with an unreadable facial expression, although it's like he has the same emotion all over his face: his features stern and gloomy, steel blue shining down at you intensely.

 

“You're hurt.”

 

Ready to give another sassy comment to Captain Obvious (albeit it's more of Obvious Soldier or Soldier Obvious?), you open your mouth but then all ideas dissipate from your head as he abruptly kneels down, takes you in his arms, lifts you up and carries you toward an intersection where you get to be hidden from all this madness happening around. The Winter Soldier is leaning against the wall, still holding you steadily as he's peeking to check if other agents are coming after you or not.

 

You feel like a burden, and it's killing you how helpless you are. Your small injury is certainly nothing compared to how the assassin got shot, yet he kept fighting and now he has to carry you as well. Unbearable pain splits into your brain as a headache is about to hit you, you'd like to rest your head on his shoulder but it's certainly not the time, and your relationship surely isn't that deep or friendly for you to just do that.

 

Still, you just cannot ignore his smell as his neck is inches away from you, his skin all sweaty but he still smells so nice.

 

“I have one more bomb, can you walk out on your own if I distract them? It's a Quinjet at about twenty meters on the right from the exit. I'll follow you.” He turns his head to look at you and you're staring into one another's eyes, the blue of his iris eventually sucks you in and makes your brain shut down entirely…

 

Yet you find yourself nodding, like an enchanted puppet, but you regret right after he puts you down on your feet and lets go of you. Your ankle didn't break but standing on it is as hurtful as that. The assassin is about to leave your shelter and go back into the war zone (amidst all this craziness, you can hear more people approaching and fear is tearing into you, like the cool embrace of the nearing end) when you just put your hand on his arm and withhold him.

 

“Wait…” He stops and looks back at you above his shoulder. You clam up completely, not really knowing why you just did that and what you wanted to tell him in the first place. “Be cautious,” you mumble then, all blushing and actually shaking.

 

You didn't tell him anything bad, right? Saying that he should be careful is for your own sake because you sure as hell couldn't get out of here without him. (Not that if you'd like to leave him behind after he's so considerate toward you, but you just don't acknowledge that thought of yours, because of reasons.)

 

“You too” his husky voice rings into your ears, he's gawking at you for a short time which feels like a never-ending moment before he goes out.

 

“Right, you can do this.” You try to comfort yourself as you step out of your ruined heels. Standing on your hurting leg is sure as hell painful, your ankle aching, but it's nothing you couldn't take. You're trying to pay attention and listen to the Winter Soldier; where he is and what he's doing (is he still alive), but you can't seem to hear anything because of your ringing ears.

 

Then another explosion goes off and it's eventually the adrenaline that makes you run, faster than ever before, and you even fail to feel how much your ankle is hurting, you run at breakneck speed (well, as much as you can), and you spot the Quinjet, not at all surprised how HYDRA has a SHIELD aircraft on their courtyard.

 

You're almost there, your hand on the grip to open the door, when someone grabs you, pulling your hair not so gently, and you can't help but fall down on the ground.

 

“Who are you?” Your attacker snaps at you just before you get kicked on your side, you can't help but groan. You lift your head up and realise that it's the woman who you've been playing. Looks like she's not dead after all, but you rather wish she was. “Are you with SHIELD?”

 

You couldn't even open your mouth if you wanted to answer, she grabs your hair again, pulling you up you're kneeling now on the ground, your back facing her, your hands gripping her arms you're trying to make her let go of you but even digging your nails into her skin doesn't seem effective.

 

Then something just pops into your head, a long forgotten lecture from self-defence class, you remember to steady yourself and you just shove your elbow hard into her side, making her lose her balance and she lets go of you.

 

The HYDRA scientist staggering, you manage to gather enough strength to swing your arm and hit her head twice, then you kick her leg, making her stumble and she hits the ground and seems unconscious.

 

“This is my worst day ever so before you come at me again, I suggest you reconsider because I'm fucking done with you all.”

 

You're boastful enough to feel like the greatest SHIELD agent in history, until you spot a few more guards coming toward you.

 

“Just how many of you are here?!” You moan, a bit hysterical when someone steps next to you, putting his hand on your arm you gasp, but adrenaline didn't wane from your blood stream and you instinctively defend yourself, your fist rocketing through air your knuckles meet a tough surface (hint: it's the Winter Soldier’s left arm, even if it's sheltered as a human arm, it's still made of metal, and you just punched it with full force), and you cry out.

 

“It's me, we need to go,” his arms around you he doesn't waste a second for commenting this little action of yours — and you're quite grateful because you already feel stupid enough, that invincible feeling you experienced just a moment ago long forgotten — he opens the Quinjet and what happens afterwards is nothing but inapprehensible series of actions.

 

Your heart hammering wildly in your ribcage, you just cannot calm down, not when you're airborne and supposedly safe, getting farther and farther away from danger.

  
  
  


Your head is buzzing from all the gunshots and explosions even hours later when you're back at the Winter Soldier’s hideaway in your room, all cleaned up now, wearing your own clothes and having your own face and voice back.

 

It was around dawn when you arrived back ‘home’. You were flying for a short time but then you landed somewhere and you took a different car which was waiting for you there. Looked like the assassin still made extraction plans after all.

  


You really need some Aspirin for your headache and for your ankle so you head for the bathroom, walking lamely, only to find a shirtless assassin (he's all himself now, hair looking disheveled as usual) sitting on the edge of the tub, trying to treat the not-so-good-looking wound on his side.

 

You have your fair share of injuries but all those small bruises and little cramp in your ankle are nothing compared to his, the wound looking quite severe compared to yours, and you think you didn't twist your ankle, maybe just pulled a tendon and it's a bit swollen but it should heal in a few day's time, especially if you continue not doing anything again from now on.

 

You clear your throat in order to draw the assassin’s attention, he looks up at you for a second, then he looks down to continue dealing with the gunshot again. Leaving him on his own shouldn't make you feel any regret since he doesn't demand your help at all, but you just feel like you couldn’t turn your back on him.

 

Again... What's wrong with you?

 

Deciding that it's only your good heart and how much you care for people (and because he saved you multiple times), you go up to the shelf where the first aid kit is stored, you grab it then you go to the assassin.

 

“May I?”

 

He doesn’t give you permission, neither declines, so you kneel down to get a closer look on the gunshot. You see that the assassin was trying to get the bullet out, but he just didn't have the right access, but realising how sweaty his bare skin is, you think he's just in too much pain to focus properly.

 

You lift your palm up, suggesting that you need the pliers he's been holding. He looks a little hesitant, but he gives them to you then.

  


Getting that bullet out wasn't the best part of your day. Your medical knowledge is pretty below basic but you can get along with smaller wounds. Luckily for the Winter Soldier and luckily for you, his injury wasn't that bad, at least you pretty much nailed it and you did quite well.

 

What astonished you was that the assassin never ever made any noise, not even a hiss when you were struggling to get the bullet out, his body didn't even flinch.

 

 _He must be used to being handled_.

 

You're sewing up the wound now, and you managed to avoid throwing up so far, but you feel like you need to talk in order to distract yourself from your nausea.

 

“Maybe... if you told me what you were looking for, I could've helped finding it.” You say quietly but firmly as you’re disinfecting his wound.

 

The assassin doesn't say a word, he's sitting there with a bare upper body and it slightly makes you flustered, so you keep rumbling about, just to kill the awkward silence and keeping yourself occupied.

 

“Not to be a smart-ass, but you're using all this HYDRA equipment and from what I know about them, they must have a tracking device installed in them…”

 

“I know. I look them through carefully and disable those parts,” his smart reply makes you all impressed.

 

You bite your lips though, adding, “Sometimes it's more of a software than a hardware. Maybe it's just sending signals when you boot and use them or—” you notice that he's watching you, listening to your every word all attentively and you just get embarrassed and shy, even blushing a little. “Sorry, I'm being nerdy.”

 

Suddenly it's getting really hot in the room and you know full well that it's because of the shirtless assassin sitting mere inches away. It's not like you've never seen a naked man before, it's just he's… Well, let's say, _different_ in many ways.

 

Your one hand is on his lap while you’re touching his side with the other—feels pretty intimate?

 

You just can't help yourself, you can feel your blood wildly rushing through your veins and flush your cheeks, painting them even redder.

 

_Oh my god what am I doing here? I can't get a bloody crush on my kidnapper, that's the most ridiculous cliché ever, and this isn't a cheesy romantic comedy._

 

_Besides, I'm not one to be wooed by some fine-looking muscles… Right?_

 

The Winter Soldier is just watching you silently, you feel his constant gaze wandering from one point to another on you, especially studying your face with great interest, and your lungs seem to malfunction under his intense stare.

 

_Yeah, I get it, buddy. You just can't understand what I'm doing here and neither can I. It's insane._

 

“They haven't find us yet,” he shrugs after a while, the tone of his voice low and raspy as usual.

 

“Or maybe we're just amusing them, you know, they could be watching us right now like a freaking reality show.”

 

“ _Reality… show?_ ” His confusion is just _adorable_ , you can't fight your lips curving into a soft smile.

 

“Well, it's a programme on TV. People live their lives in front of the camera, and we like to watch it. Basically they get paid for doing dumb things publicly—OH MY GOD!!”

 

You can see the assassin frowning for a moment because of you shouting, but you just can't stop yourself from going all shocked about noticing that his wound started healing already, and your hands are all over his side. You can feel his body twitching under your touch and you get extremely embarrassed and step away.

 

“I'm sorry, I—”

 

“I know it's creepy,” he interrupts you, standing up and taking on a white T-shirt.

 

“No,” you begin, which draws his attention, he's looking at you with his shirt on now, hair messy and sweaty, eyebrows knitting together and his jaw clenched. “I mean yes, it IS weird but I'm not afraid, I just… it's nothing I've seen before and I just got curious. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have touched you without your consent.”

 

Can this get any more awkward? You'd like to be swallowed by the ground and just disappear.

 

Then you actually hear the Winter Soldier _chuckle_ , the seriousness fades from his blue iris and he seems kind of jovial, which looks quite good on him.

 

“I was the one who _kidnapped_ you,” you see a weak smile on his lips—quite good-looking lips, the unwanted realisation hits you and suddenly you begin to wonder what it'd feel like having them on yours—and your heart skips a beat, your knees are weak.

 

He may be an assassin, and he may have put your life in danger several times, but he's just damn gorgeous when he smiles, steel blue orbs shining up, he practically beams and you just totally forget about the fact that he's a cold-blooded killer and probably could snap your neck in any minute.

 

You smile back at him shyly, not being able to say anything, you even forget about your headache and about all other discomfort.

 

_I'm so screwed._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... back when I wrote this, it used to be one of my fav chapters, and I couldnt wait to get here and finally post it... Now maybe it's just me being a perfectionist to a fault and to hard on myself but I'm not that much satisfied with it anymore. I was a little hesitant posting this because I feel like something's missing but I couldn't figure out what, and almost a week passed and I still didnt post it and I was like, "okay, just upload it already, gurrlllll..."
> 
> So now I'm awaiting the rocks and actual mountains thrown at me *hides behind Bucky*
> 
> Uhh I wanted to tell a few more things... I know this chapter it pretty much long and many things -- like too many things -- happen at once, but I just couldnt split it because it didnt feel right, and also didnt wanna put anymore fillers in it, so maybe that's the problem why it feels "unfinished" because i jump to one scene to another too fast. It was basically my first attempt at writing a more action-packed chapter and I know suck, lol. My description skills are worse than a 5-year-old's, I'm reaching the end of my vocabulary XD *opens thesaurus*
> 
> Hmm I'm sure a miss something... Well, my favourite little part is when Bucky's metal arm is disguised as a normal human arm-- I'm actually so proud of knowing that fact, I read that somewhere in a giant Bucky post that listed a bunch of interesting facts about him, and maybe I read it somewhere else too that he can disguise his left arm for real (i think that in comics tho, so forgive for mixing the comics with the mcu), tbh I'm terrible and I dont remember but I just liked the idea so much. *shameless plagiarist*
> 
> Oh and about the fast healing... I was again too lazy to look it up, and I have no clue how fast these super dudes heal so I made something up, because I'm just creative like that *does the THiddy ehehe laugh™*
> 
>  
> 
> I think that's all for now. Why do I feel like this chapter sucks after all? Might need some editing after posting... Or maybe I shouldve waited more until my muse returns and could rewrite and polish it up more...
> 
>  
> 
> If you're still reading, thanks again for your love and support! You are my Lil Plumz™  
> I love you so much *kisses the screen* *the screen is dripping with saliva and it's disgusting* *realises she's not funny at all so stops typing bullshit and goes to bed*


	9. Chapter 9

You wake up quite early the next morning, despite the fact that you probably slept only a few hours, and you're feeling pretty drained both physically and mentally, your body numb and sore. Having forgotten about your actual wounds the pain kicks in as your mind and body slowly wake up, the throbbing feeling spreading across your body but there’s a small, satisfied smile in the corner of your mouth: you hope that lady who kicked you and kept pulling on your hair still has her share of torture, since you managed to take her down, and you’re pretty much proud of yourself

 

Sitting up on your bed, a bit of déjà vu hits you: there are blurry images in the back of your mind, you can’t really recall them, all you can remember is that you had weird dreams — you don't remember much, only that they centred around the Winter Soldier, and it's just too embarrassing to muse about — which further prevented you from getting a good night’s rest. Good thing, your headache seems to be over so you probably don't have to start your day with painkillers, if you just can get past by torturous agony that’s going on in your body.

 

You get up and decide you have a refreshing shower which actually works — warm waterdrops dripping down on your tired body you soon get relaxed, the aromatic scent of the shower gel you bought for yourself reaching up to your nostrils. You close your eyes and let out a small sigh — if you let your imagination go a little wilder, it’s almost like being in a wellness hotel. Too bad there’s no one around to give you a massage…

 

Spending the day in the bathroom sounds very much appealing but you just can’t do that since you’re not in your own apartment, and in fact, you feel intrigued (almost excited) to see what’s with the Winter Soldier after last night. So you turn off the shower, step out of the cabin and reach for towels.

 

Staring at your reflection in the mirror a few minutes later, you're feeling much more awake with your hair washed and dried, body cleaned and wearing fresh clothes which aren't dirty. You've been stubborn enough to keep wearing your own clothes, but those got filthy again, so you picked a shirt and pants from the ones you bought for yourself, and put your dirty clothes in the washing machine. It still bothers you when you recall how much money the assassin has, but if you stop yourself from thinking about where he got it from, you might be able to ease your anxiety and feel less guilty for wearing the clothes you purchased on that money.

 

You're heading for the kitchen, limping a little, but this time not surprised at all that the Winter Soldier is already there, apparently cooking something for breakfast, you suppose. Looking at the clock you notice that it’s 10AM, so you either slept more than you guessed or just spent more time in the shower than you meant to.

 

“Mornin’” your greeting turns into a huge yawn — looks like having that shower wasn't that effective after all because you still feel rather sleepy. You can't miss to catch a certain smell, you're just drawn toward the stove, and you take a deep breath — you don't know what the assassin is making but it sure smells delicious.

 

“What's this?” Your question makes the Winter Soldier quite puzzled and confused. (In fact, he was blinking all clammed up, and he looked quite astonished when you said your version of Good Morning to him, but even if he’s your captor, your mama taught you well and you still have your manners. Besides, he isn’t that bad after all, you could have it way worse…)

 

It’s funny, because when you come to think about it, it’s like he's actually rather intimidated by your presence, body suddenly tense and his jaw clenched as he continues to cook with you around him now, but you just can't jump into stupid conclusions, right? Besides, you're anything but intimidating, you're just a klutz most of the time, trying to get your shit together.

 

But the assassin still looks pretty much conflicted, and his attempt at giving you an answer just makes it appear more so.

 

“I—uhh… don't know, I was just...” You don't want him to struggle so you just drop the subject and walk to the fridge.

 

“Do you mind if I make some juice?” You ask, and you don’t realise how your sudden change of topic makes the assassin’s head spinning, a little much for him to follow you.

 

“There’s orange juice…” His coarse voice sounds up, just when you spot the box in the fridge. “Not much fruit left apart from a few apples, so I need to go and buy some things soon.”

 

You notice how he said it in first person — _he_ needed to go back to town, and you reckon it’s just a clear hint that after how you acted all naughty and talked to a security guy at the store when you two went on a big shopping spree the first time, he sure as hell won’t take you out again. But he still took you on his mission last night, so you just can’t understand the guy. At least he could’ve scolded you than acting colder toward you and just hinting not at all subtly.

 

“Orange is fine with me,” you try to smile as you close the fridge and turn around, but you get a little taken aback realising that the assassin is ready, and the meal is cooling off in the pan, his steel blue eyes fixed on you he must’ve been watching you all along. You try not to blush, but can’t help, flashbacks of your unsettling dreams flood your mind, and you can’t hold his curious gaze. You just feel like he can read your mind, and you’re pretty much messed up already.

 

“Umm, where are the plates?” You find yourself asking, just to occupy yourself — and have a reason to turn your back on him, because you just can’t face him anymore — to which he replies “In the cupboard right above the sink. Bottom shelf”, you’re about to enquire where the cutlery and the napkins are, when he adds: “Spoons, forks and knives in the dish rack, dishtowels are here with me.”

 

“Uh-huh,” you hum dumbly, almost feeling guilty because you know damn well where the plates and the cutlery are; you've spent more time in the kitchen than in any other room in the place, and you're sure the Winter Soldier also knows that, but you feel grateful that he's still playing along. Or maybe he just forgot about it?

 

So deep in your thoughts, you're trying not to drop the plates as you’re taking them to the kitchen table, you set the table in silence as he brings the meal.

  


Having breakfast together in the kitchen isn't like the first time around. It's all calm and even _friendly_ —you dare say—and not like you're held captive in an apparently unstable, bipolar, multiple personality disorder person’s hideaway at all.

 

“You know I've been thinking,” you start to say, swallowing a huge bite of your who-knows-what, “What happened yesterday at the HYDRA compound was my fault. I'm distracting you and slowing you down so… I think it'd be easier if I could, you know, defend myself.”

 

Well, it's not only because you felt helpless and pretty much terrified as bullets were rocketing around you as you were running for your life, all defenceless. You owe nothing to the assassin, most of all it's not your business what he's doing. If he wants to infiltrate HYDRA bases, then he's free to do it, but as long as he feels the urge to drag you along and put you in danger (and he just totally ignores the fact that you're unarmed and an easy target, albeit you don't ever dream about him giving you weapons since you still are his hostage), but until you live under the same roof with him, he might as well teach you how to take care of yourself on your own.

 

Because even if he's a super soldier and a trained assassin, there's no way he could pamper you all the time, and God knows what he's got in store for you for later.

 

The Winter Soldier is basically in shock hearing your say, metal arm frozen halfway in the air to his mouth, holding a glass of orange juice. You can practically hear the gears of confusion and calculating your chances of getting skilled in hand-to-hand combat rolling in his head.

 

“You have no actual practice in fighting, it'd take _months..._ ” he then evaluates you silently but firmly, sipping his drink after.

 

Now you're not just embarrassed but suddenly become furious at how he's looking at you like a piece of meat in a supermarket, not sure if he wants to buy it or not. And suddenly…

 

… you just feel furious.

 

“Well, you could've considered that before you had chosen _me_ to be of assistance,” you stand up and storm out of the kitchen without saying anything else. You have lost your appetite and it's more ridiculous that you're getting butthurt because of your captor basically giving low rates on your body.

 

_Why am I overreacting like this?_

  


You spend the rest of the day in your room. You had no idea what the assassin was thinking about your behaviour but it looked like he respected your privacy and didn't come after you—not until now.

 

There's a knock on the door; you wonder if you don't say anything, will he go away?

 

Hearing him clearing his throat behind you answers your unspoken question right away. It always amazes you how silently he moves, ‘cause you're well aware that you would never notice him entering your room if he wasn't making a noise on purpose.

 

You don't turn to face him, you're still sitting on your bed, showing your back to the assassin. It's not just out of your hurting pride, no. You don't want him to notice the piece of HYDRA equipment in your hands and find out what you've been doing in the past few hours.

 

“I can show you some moves,” you hear him say after a while. He's like a shy teenage boy asking someone on a date for the first time, and you can't help, it just melts your heart right away. “Only some basic defending techniques that may come in handy..." There's a short pause, you can hear his deep sigh. "I guess, we can start when you fully recovered from your injuries.”

 

By the time you swallow your pride and want to look at him, he's already left your room. You let out a long breath and turn off the device you’re holding.

 

In your infuriated state, you finally managed to hack that HYDRA tablet, safely connected to the internet, and even more—you could practically access everything within SHIELD and HYDRA.

 

You were tempted to ask for help, but you didn't.

 

Now you know, though, that the man making you weird breakfast in the morning and having severe attacks at nights is James Buchanan Barnes, nicknamed as Bucky, who had been presumed deceased in action while assisting Captain America back in 1945. Then he'd been evidently found by HYDRA, brainwashed and trained to be a Cold War assassin, known as the Winter Soldier.

 

Your hands still shaking, heart palpitating in your chest your head feels heavy as your thoughts are rushing back and forth in your mind, trying to digest what you've just got to know. It all sounds like a novel or a science fiction movie, too hard to believe that the man really has been through all that. But in fact, you're living in a world where superheroes casually cross the streets, so you feel like you have to step out of your little bubble, wake up and face the world you're living in, since you know damn well how weird, and crazy, and _magical_ that world is. You've been a part of it, you worked in it, you were just trying to forget about it.

 

Apparently the Winter Soldier had a great role in HYDRA’s plan with the three new Helicarriers, but after that went sour, the assassin escaped and he's been on the run ever since.

 

You've been with him, God knows for how much time now, he possibly wants to get his memories back, and he probably took you—a supposed HYDRA agent inside SHIELD—because he thought you could help him in doing so. Now you're here, you've slipped down a slippery slope and you feel you've grown quite fond of him.

 

“Am I losing my mind?”

 

You just don't know what to do anymore. Sending a signal would be so easy, you could be far away from the assas—from _Bucky_ , and you could leave all this misery behind, but you just cannot seem to make the final call. What's wrong with you?

 

You can't lie to yourself, you've developed certain feelings for the man, but knowing his full backstory now you can't help but feel more and more compassionate about him. You can't even think about the horrors he must have been through, being tortured and brainwashed for seventy years—it's just insane! Your grandparents were all little children or weren't even born when he was fighting in WWII.

 

And it's all HYDRA’s doing. The evil organisation has never been more to you than a name in history books. You sure thought they were just a bunch of insane weirdos but you didn't care about them— _they're all gone_ , you thought.

 

But when you witnessed Brock Rumlow and his STRIKE unit kill that innocent SHIELD scientist with cold blood, you were suddenly hit by sheer menace. HYDRA became much more authentic, they were everywhere and a threat to everybody. It wasn't just a name in books and files anymore, it was real and you became a part of it.

 

Even if you haven't actually done anything for HYDRA, you were in their records with every available info about you—for the first time ever, you were actually feeling _grateful_ for not having a family and close ones, for that means no one could be harmed because of you.

 

At times you felt like getting killed would've been the easiest for you, at least being dead and honourable still sounds better than having your whole reputation compromised and the whole world thinking you're one and the same with those crazy assholes. You just feel like no matter what you do, you just can't cleanse yourself from HYDRA, and it's such a burden, you just feel like your whole being has been flawed and corrupted. You can't even imagine what Bucky could be feeling, having his whole life ripped away from him.

 

But even if you can't change what's been done, you still have the power over your own future, and even if the world sees you as a villain, you promise yourself that you will help Bucky Barnes with everything you can. However, you certainly doubt that you can benefit him anyhow, or just get closer to him, especially after you kept secrets from him, not telling him that you hacked the HYDRA tablet…

 

But he just came in your room suddenly and you panicked, still trying to comprehend all the new information, and you didn't know what to do because you still felt conflicted. He still chose the hard way, he still kept hiding instead of trying to ask for help. Though knowing what he's been through you kind of understand that…

 

After you found out about HYDRA and SHIELD, you didn't know who to trust either, and his issue is more complicated than that. Yet, he could've just contacted Captain Rogers, they seemed to be friends according to all these sources, so you can't really understand why Bucky keeps running from him.

 

As the realisation hits you and you put the pieces together, you fully get now why Steve was dealing with you when his lost, former best friend seemed to be after you. Looks like everything falls into place now and you can see the greater picture. However, seems like everyone is just using you to their own advantages, and it rather makes you feel angry.

 

Still, can this get any better? And not talking just about your life but your situation with Barnes. Even if you told him the truth, you couldn't know what to expect from him. You know nothing about him, except that he can be dangerous or he can be like a normal guy who's just trying to survive and get his life back.

 

Just like you. But even if you can understand that all, you just cannot go to him and say: _“Hi, I know about you, and it's okay, I'm not mad that you kidnapped me for your own selfish reasons. Let's be besties from now on, I'll be good!”_

 

Besides, you don't even understand your own feelings anymore. You sure feel sorry for him, find him—well, let's say— _interesting_ , because you just can't use any other words (in fact, you shouldn't) and how he's been treating you isn't actually bad, but still, can all that be enough for you to still fancy him or is it just your mind that has gone wild and crazy? Your life is a mess right now, it can happen that you can't think clearly and your perception of things might be blurry and even false.

 

Either way, you have to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhh, I seriously couldn't wait to get here... I was so tired of calling our precious B (yeah, lately I'm calling him "B" or "bee" in Gossip Girl style) 'assassin' and 'TWS' all over again. there weren't enough synonyms, or it's just me who lacks the proper vocab XD
> 
> Oh gooood, I'm sure I wanted to say something about this, but I can't bloody remember. X_X *eats plumz™*
> 
> OH YEAH THE BREAKFAST! *eyes shining up*
> 
> Sooo I had this weird headcanon, that Bucky can cook (probably cause I cant and I'm always hungry), and he used to cook, so in my mind, he was trying to make the same breakfast he used to make (for himself and for Steve) back in the 40s and before that, but again, I was too lazy to do the research and try to find typical food from around that time, so I leave to your imagination that is surely better than mine.
> 
> I guess that's all.
> 
> I love you all, thanks for all the love xx


	10. Chapter 10

After you discovered the real identity of your captor, you don't really know what to do. He didn't come back after his short visit when he told you that he'd try to teach you self defense, and you absolutely have no idea how to approach him now.

 

Your mind still buzzing, thoughts rocketing through your mind at light speed like diligent bees working in a beehive, you rather feel dizzy and you're trembling like jelly. You guess, it's also because of the hunger, you haven't eaten for hours and your ankle is still killing you, not to mention your red and swollen knuckles, the painful reminder of hitting the Winter Soldier’s metal arm last night.

 

Your eyes wandering around the room, you spot the HYDRA tablet on the bedtable, anxiety and conscience eating you up you know what you have to do.

 

But before you ruin the evening and much possibly make Bucky Barnes upset, you decide you turn the device on again, just to make sure you closed and cleared everything you had been reading, featuring the Winter Soldier’s CV.

 

Before doing so, out of habit you create a backup folder, making a copy of everything, and since you have no actual knowledge about Bucky's computer skills, you try to hide it, because you sure as hell won't mess this up and will let him know that the HYDRA device he wanted you to hack is ready for use, God may know what he wants to do with it.

 

You're almost ready, only one file is left open: a picture of Sergeant Barnes supposedly taken in the 40s. You can't help but gawk at the photo, it's not colourful, just a sepia, and he looks so different. Not just talking about his army uniform and headwear, his hair is much shorter, his face seems younger, the photo must have been taken before he got involved with the war and saw the world’s worst, because there still was a hopeful glimpse in his bright eyes

 

It was a man at the very beginning of his life, probably full of dreams and plans for his future — dreams and plans he surely never could achieve or work for.

 

A lonely tear glides down on your cheek, your heart silently bleeding you close the image, wipe your tear off of your face and try to pull yourself together.

 

Heart hammering in your throat as you're slowly approaching Bucky's room. You just know he's there, you don't even know how. Still limping, you go to the door, fortunately it's open so it's only the doorstep that actually separates you from being in his room.

 

And he's there. Lonely, working in silence you don't even see what he's doing but he's so immersed in it that you'd rather turn back and wouldn't disturb him.

 

Yet, you really want to talk to him, and not only because he's the only one person you can currently have a conversation with.

 

Catching the blunt thumping noises you make whilst knocking on the door he turns his head toward you, and you'd say he's rather _surprised_ by your unannounced visit. Steel blue orbs shining across the room, his eyes meeting yours you gasp, not really knowing what to say to him, especially you're confused about how you should behave around him after discovering his true identity.

 

“I just…” You find yourself stuttering, probably it's just your mouth moving in your embarrassment because you just don't bloody know what to say to him.

 

Should you apologise about your behaviour in the morning? Tell him that you're sorry?

 

_Sorry for everything he had to go through?_

 

It's so bad, you should've just stayed in your room and die because of hunger and dehydration, either way of dying certainly would've been better than facing this new man you absolutely have no idea how to handle.

 

You feared the Winter Soldier. Everyone feared the deadly assassin, because he was a threat, a menace, and seeing him meant one thing: the end of your life. Then you got to live with him, you got to see through the mask HYDRA had put on him, and now you know that that other aspect of his personality not only had a different name, but a whole different life story as well.

 

It was Bucky Barnes who kidnapped you, who still took your human needs into consideration and tolerated you when he surely must've been upset having a HYDRA agent around him.

 

Because even if you weren't HYDRA, he didn't know that. He wouldn't have looked down on you with that not so hidden disgust and wild rage in his eyes, only he could masquerade it a little, but his emotions were always on his face, shimmering in his eyes even if he tried to look indifferent or dangerous.

 

Looking around the room you spot a small backpack not so far away from him, and there's a gun on the 3-drawer chest in the corner a few meters away from you, just like on your second night here when you were trying to get that weapon and intended to shoot him, so you could escape.

 

Thank God, you couldn't achieve that, because killing an innocent man you surely wouldn't have been able to recover from that. One life is more than enough on your hands.

 

Clearing your throat, you swallow — and with that, you're trying to let go of your anxiety — gather your courage and say:

 

“I wanted to talk to you. May I come in?”

 

“I think you should deal with your ankle first.” His low voice sounds up, harshing through air his words leave you pretty much in wonder. Then you mimic his gesture, looking down at your leg and your mouth goes all agape seeing that you've been standing on your healthy leg, and lifted up the injured one the whole time while leaning against the doorframe to handle your own weight.

 

“Umm… yeah, it's a little swollen…” He suddenly grabs his backpack and takes out a smaller first aid kit. Your mind in a haze, you do nothing but wonder, not really able to comprehend what's going on when he just walks toward you and in seconds he's carrying you over to the couch.

 

And why on earth he keeps doing that? He did it last night because yeah, you probably couldn't stand up and there were some psychopaths shooting at you, but it's not like your legs have been broken, you still could walk on them.

 

There's just no need for him to be that considerate and caring again, especially not when you just threw a tantrum a few hours ago, and were doing things behind his back.

 

“Why didn't you put a bandage around it?” He asks it after he has put you down on the couch.

 

“Uhh… I wanted to, but I forgot about it…” What you're saying is pretty much dumb but your brain shut down, like, five minutes ago so you don't even try, especially when Bucky's kneeling in front of you, taking your wounded ankle in his right arm and reaching for the bandage with his left.

 

“Because of me,” his low voice nothing but an echo of a distant thunder, rumbling into your ears and making every small hair stand up on your nape. “You were dealing with _my_ wounds instead of yours…”

 

“I'm alive,” you shrug, which makes Bucky's hands stop, and in seconds his steel blue eyes are on you, and you just can't decide why he looks so agitated. He shouldn't be too hard on himself.

 

But still, would you think the same if you didn't know about his past and backstory? Would you excuse him the same way, not confronting him that your injuries happened merely because of him in the first place?

 

It looks like Bucky would want to say something, steel blue flickering with many emotions but he breaks the eye contact and he looks away, staring down at your leg and continues to tend your sprained ankle.

 

Still kneeling on the ground, his hands on you, it's the exact reversed setup, the opposite of last night: you can remember how touching his sweaty skin felt like as you were tending the gunshot on his side that's probably all healed by now, now you can't help but blush as he's gently but firmly putting the bandage around your ankle, trying to avoid to touch your skin with his metal arm it takes much more time as it would when he just used both of his hands freely, not minding his left hand.

 

Silence surrounds you, only your breathing and your wild heartbeats can be heard. You can't take your eyes off of Bucky, he's so close to you again, his scent snaking around you like venom, cutting into your nostrils and filling your head up, it's almost like a love potion, making you feel things you shouldn't feel at all.

 

But how can you blame yourself for finding him — you still use the same safer word — _interesting_ , when his long, brunette locks smell so nice, a few strands of hair always getting in the way and coming in his face like a waterfall. The brown locks look so silky, a little wavy though, but it might be only because his hair is always messy, like he just doesn't have a good relationship with the hairbrush.

 

Maybe he doesn't even have one...

 

“Is it okay?” His raspy voice anchors you back to reality, making you return from your thoughts. “Can you stand up? Walk like this?”

 

And he’s on his feet, getting at a respectable distance away from you, and you can't really decide what upsets you the most: that he's not close to you anymore, or the fact that this bothers you at all.

 

“Umm, yeah, sure…” You're happy your voice don't falter, you stand up too, and carefully put your weight on your injured leg, trying how it feels.

 

Bucky Barnes’s surely got many skills, and being a professional doctor must be one of them, because the bandage is neither too loose, nor too tight, and you can just walk perfectly, almost like nothing's wrong with your ankle.

 

“It's fine. Thanks!” You look at the brunette shyly, not really knowing what to say. “So, you're going shopping?” You ask finally, spotting a wad of cash and a Nano Mask on the table that's next to the couch.

 

“Yeah,” mimicking you, Bucky looks in the direction of the table. If you didn’t think that you were crazy, you'd say he's rather embarrassed.

 

“Can I come with you?”

 

You really are hitting yourself mentally for you just couldn't keep your mouth shut and had to plea, almost begging. You'd like to reassure him somehow that he shouldn't be afraid of you trying to escape, but you don't know what you should say, most of all, you don't know if you could tell him anything like that without sounding crazy.

 

Because he still kidnapped you, and even if you're not complaining now, apart from hating to just be here all the time without going anywhere or meeting people and you just can't get out of your mind and act like none of that happened, for Bucky Barnes surely doesn't know that your attitude toward him has changed and you found out about him.

 

So you're stuck, very much caught up between your newly formed emotions and how you're supposed to act as someone who's held captive by an assassin, and you just don't really know if you don't go actually crazy because of all that in time.

 

“You can if you want” is all he says after a rather long pause, you notice how his body gets all tense again, his face stern you realise that he's being cautious. “But I don't think you should use your ankle. You should repose instead.”

 

“I rested all day…” you retort, a bit more whiny than you intended. Theoretically, you're an adult, not a toddler. “You can leave me in the car without the car keys, just… I just wanna get out of here.”

 

Maybe your little confession didn't turn out the way you wanted, and didn't help your case at all, because Bucky's eyes almost close as he suddenly gets more anxious. But you just told him that you wanted to leave really bad, so that doesn't really sound appealing, making his reaction more than justifiable.

 

Thinking that there's no way you can get him to take you with himself, you're ready to drop it, and get all resigned that you'll just spend the rest of your life in the same room, letting out a long sigh your lips part to excuse yourself, when…

 

“I wanted to go tomorrow but it's not that late. We can go now and be back in a few hours. If you don't need anything else apart from food, because most stores must be closed by now.”

 

Your face lights up instantly, you cannot believe he really said that. Is it just a dream? Your smile reaches up to your ears as you reply cheerfully: “No, I don't. I'll be fine,” you beam, smiling all along.

 

You turn around to leave for your room because you plan on changing your clothes before leaving, when you spot the HYDRA tablet on the couch. You don't even remember when you put it there, maybe it just slipped out of your hands when Bucky was dealing with your ankle.

 

“Actually, I wanted to tell you something…” Scratching your head you don't really dare to look at him. “I—uhh…” Before you start stuttering any more, you just go and grab the device, then walk up to the man. “It's working now.”

 

Offering the HYDRA equipment with your one hand, you really don't know why he looks so shocked and taken aback. Maybe he thought you couldn't do it?

 

“I just did it today…” It's like you're excusing yourself, which you're totally doing by the way.

 

“I know…” Bucky replies, his lips hardly parting he keeps pressing them together, making him look quite angry and you can't help but get scared...

 

“You know?” You're blinking frantically, totally surprised.

 

And that surprise even grows as you suddenly see Bucky's lips curve into a half smile again. It's a small and rather sarcastic one, but it still is a smile, and he is, again, rather _gorgeous_.

 

“I saw when I went into your room in the afternoon. There's a mirror…” And that just says it all.

 

Suddenly you're feeling _betrayed_. You offer your full consent to him, messing up yourself you really wanna help him, yet he just can't stop spying on you and acting like the assassin he is all the time?

 

You shouldn't get too carried away with your rage about him stalking you though, you've just googled the guy basically and was staring at an old photo of him for longer than it's appropriate for “research”.

 

“Hmm…”

 

Suddenly you understand everything. The small backpack casually set next to the couch. The wad of cash and the first aid kit, the gun across the room within a few steps if needed. He planned it all out

 

He was ready to go, ready to just abandon everything and leave. Maybe that gun has actually been put there for you. Maybe he was getting ready to just take you out when you came here, disturbing him.

 

That's all about getting closer to him and gain his trust. It's all out of the nonexistent windows. He surely thinks that you've been manipulating him and that you called HYDRA, and maybe he expects them now.

 

And suddenly, you don't feel like going into town anymore, you can forget about having a few kinder moments with him, because that's just not going to happen.

 

“Well, I don't know what you wanted it for, but you can use it now.” Pointing the device at him, you're suggesting that he should take it, and you'd be really glad if he did that finally, ‘cause holding it really tires your arm muscles.

 

And if you can't even hold a small tablet for two minutes, just how exactly did you want to train with the Winter Soldier at all?

 

“I just wanted it for finding the HYDRA facility. Not relevant anymore.”

 

Yeah, because you almost died there last night. Totally not relevant anymore.

 

“Do you still wanna come with me?”

 

You don't understand why he's like this. Just like when you talked to the guard in the shop — he didn't confront you then, and he doesn't confront you now. You don't get how his mind works at all, but he sure as hell makes your life much more miserable with his silent warfare against your foolish actions.

 

“I do. But—”

 

“Then get ready, we should leave in maximum ten minutes if we wanna come back before nightfall.” And he just passes by you and goes out of the room. “And wear something warm.” He adds before leaving you on your own.

  


“Wear something warm” apparently stands for “we're going on a bike”, at least you see how Bucky's preparing for leaving, you see him around his motorcycle in the garage but you just can't believe it. You didn't even know he had one and he never let you come down here before.

 

“I thought you were going shopping…” Rather confused, you can't really stop yourself from trying to get a few answers from him.

 

“I said I wanted to go tomorrow…” He looks at you, and you can't help but blush as he's staring at you for so long, probably evaluating if your clothes are warm enough.

 

Wearing a leather jacket, a sweatshirt and jeans with boots he surely isn't thinking about how pretty you are.

 

“Then you said you wanted to go out, so we're going out.”

 

 _Okay, but where?_ You'd like ask but you kind of expect he'd never answer that, for he's just a secretive little assassin most of the time.

 

In fact, it's probably the longest ongoing conversation you two ever had, what's more, he's intending on taking you out. Just why does this feel so surreal?

 

You think there's a catch. He saw that you were doing things behind his back. He most certainly thought that you betrayed him (because you were HYDRA in his mind), he was prepared for leaving…

 

Then he just decided to put a bandage on your ankle, just because he could do it, or why the hell would someone want to help their enemy?

 

Maybe he's just playing mind games on you? He's taking you for leverage so he can have a way out if HYDRA finds him?

 

There's a chance you should enlighten him that if that really is his plan, it's not really going to work since HYDRA doesn't give a single flying shit about you.

 

Certainly, you should talk things out. But how, when he's just so damn stubborn and he refuses to confront you, and you just don't know what to say to him at all.

 

“But why?” There it is, you just blurted it out. Your question making Bucky frown, he freezes, then he turns around to face you.

 

“It's the least I can do for you.” His voice raw and wavering, you can't really do anything else apart from staring at him in awe with your eyes wide open.

 

“But you don't need to. If you want to just kill me you don't have to take me out…”

 

You're being an idiot for sure, because you just lost your head and really said that to him out loud.

 

If he really just wanted to please you and take you out so you wouldn't go eventually crazy in your imprisonment, then you surely messed it up because hearing your say, Bucky gets all serious again, his face stern and jaw clenching you not just feel threatened, but…

 

You're certainly aware how much you hurt Bucky Barnes hidden beneath the image of the Winter Soldier with the simple assumption that he, suffering from PTSD, guilt, and who knows what else is going on in his fractured mind, wanted to _kill_ you when he clearly was just trying to get away from his past.

 

“I mean… You caught me sneaking around behind your back, and you—”

 

“I expected that, you're my hostage.”

 

“Then why don't you treat me like one?”

 

You swear something's truly wrong with you, you're either masochistic or maybe you're secretly into abusive relationships, for there's no way you just keep pushing the guy out of boredom.

 

Bucky seems much conflicted, he lets out a long sigh before he replies:

 

“I told you that chaining you up on a wall and pointing a gun to your head was not my style.”

 

Yeah, you remember that, and after that he said he never kept hostages. Should you feel privileged now that you're his first?

 

“I know what it's like to feel like a caged bird.”

 

You can hear his trembling voice, so raspy it's like an earthquake coarsing through the ground, but you just cannot believe he is talking to you for real. He then turns around and takes on his helmet, hops on his motorcycle, and looks at you. Steel blue eyes shining up, it's clearly an invitation, but when he offers his hand and points it at you, your heart skips a beat.

 

“It's better than staying in the car.”

 

And he's damn right.

 

Your hands shaking, you take his hand, and you have to grab his shoulders while sitting up on the seat, right behind him. You've never been on a bike before, so excitement mingles with a slight touch of fear, although you're rather hooked that you're this close to him again.

 

“Take on the helmet. It's behind you.”

 

And you do as he says. You didn't put on the masks so you guess it's because of the helmets and the fact that the sun is about to sink under the horizon soon, sheltering you from all unwanted attention.

 

“Ready?”

 

“I think so…” You can't help but smile, then Bucky kicks in the pedal, the engine roars and you're on the road.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shame on me, I always forget what I wanted to say in the notes... This chapter wasn't planned originally, I wrote it as a little filler because I wanted something cute... I swear i wanted a little fluff, as much as the story could let that happen, then I was such a monster I turned 99% of it into angst, especially featuring that old photo of Bucky that was in the file Nat gave Steve at the end of TWS.
> 
> I mean, I knew I was a monster always writing Bucky Ansgt™ but with that part describing that pic when Reader finds it I know I've outdone myself... XD T_T
> 
> Also, sorry for the cliffhanger, but the chapter was getting too long, and I had to cut it there (because I also didn't know how to continue, I mean I didn't plan the motorcycle part, but after the epic bike flip in Civil War I couldn't help it, even if I feel like it doesn't fit here...)
> 
> Anyway, I promise I will tell what happens afterwards in the next chapter, and I will give you some true fluff this time. (I mean I hope... :3)
> 
> Thank you for sticking around! I love ya all, my lil' Plumz <3


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for additional typos, I'll probably notice and correct them later.

* * *

 

Cold breeze blows around you as you're racing on the road. It's not that wintry yet, and you dressed up pretty warm but the wind still sends shivers down your spine.

 

However, it might be just you being too excited about the fact that your body is pressed to the man driving this beast you're so happy to ride on.

 

You pull your head backwards and look up at the sky, orange and pink dominating over blue as the sun is about to disappear under the horizon. You're feeling so free, so full of energy, you'd like to let go of Bucky and spread your arms like you were flying but you just don't dare to, fearing that he'd probably think you a fool.

 

You don't want to look childish, but you haven’t been outside for so long, of course it is exciting to you now.

 

Bucky could be taking you to the other side of the country, you wouldn't even notice, totally forgetting about your imprisonment, you don't even think about paying attention to the surroundings and trying to remember the path you're travelling on.

 

To you, it's just a perfect moment (...a date?!), and you don't think about the current circumstances in your life right now at all.

 

Bucky suddenly slows down and pulls over, and you get a little anxious, not really understanding what's going on.

 

“What's the problem?” You ask as he's urging you to stand up and he soon follows you, setting the bike on the supporters.

 

“Nothing. Just walk toward the woods.”

 

“Oookaaayyy.”

 

Remember when you thought that he was going to kill you? Yep, the feeling is back, fear spreading in you unstoppably, your former bliss forgotten.

 

Your breath taken away, you're heaving, anxiety kicking in you pretty much feel like getting a panic attack.

 

Birds chirping, the intoxicating smell of leaf litter flooding your nostrils as you enter the woods, hidden from everybody. Then Bucky takes off his helmet, and seeing how shocked you are, he furrows his eyebrows and takes off yours for you too.

 

“We're gonna have dinner in a public place. Can't forget about these…” A small bag is with him, you didn't even notice because it was hidden under his biker leather jacket, and he just takes out the Nano Masks, giving one to you.

 

“Right…” You let out an anxious laugh, a bit sorry for you really thought he was going to end your life right here. “You can never be too careful.” You try to joke but it's not really working, Bucky's eyes flicker with confusion, but you can say he's just rocking his usual gloomy self.

 

“Not the same face…” He warns you so you chose another one, thanks to the integrated processor chips. You realise how different these Photostatic Veils are from the ones in SHIELD, there’s a small processor chip integrated in them and apparently it can store up to three facial images, as you’re scrolling through all available options. Absolutely intrigued where he got these faces loaded from, you keep in a gasp that was about to escape from your mouth, but you can’t help yourself but wonder.

 

Are they deceased people or did he just randomly choose them? Is it still safe? What if you’re wearing someone else’s face and the person just walks in front of you, or you meet a person who knows who you’re impersonating?

 

You decide you don't ask, just do as he says, and in a minute none of you look like yourselves.

 

Looking at Bucky feels rather weird now (you also notice that his metal arm is disguised again, appearing to be a normal flesh limb). His features changed, it's only his hair that remains the same but he solves that by pulling out a hair elastic and he puts his silky, shoulder length hair in a nice manbun.

 

“Is there something wrong with my face?” His question pulling you back from dreamland, you're looking at him in awe, because you don't know what he's implying. “You were staring at me…” he then explains it in a low voice that remained his own.

 

 _How surprising_ … you basically didn't even close your mouth you'd been gawking so much, you realise.

 

“Well, this technology is still weird to me even if I work for SHIELD—” You try to save yourself from embarrassment but then you put yourself into another; you realise how Bucky's now brown-looking eyes get clouded with more confusion as he hears you saying you work for SHIELD, but he doesn't comment on it. Actually, you’re really glad about that, because you’re just so embarrassed that you even forget to ask why you’re still talking in your own voices. It wasn’t like that the last time around.

 

“We should go back” is all he replies, putting his helmet back on. Your heart hammering in your ribcage, you let out a long sigh, smelling the characteristic scent of the forest once again, then do the same and follow him, and soon you're back on the road.

 

It's getting dark when you arrive in town, street lights turning on, there are only a few people walking on the streets, chatting and laughing, and you reckon they're probably on their way to have some fun.

 

You suppress a sigh, longing for having friends and such outings with them, when Bucky pulls over and stops next to a pancake house.

 

You get off of the bike, floundering a little because you stood up too abruptly and you got a little light-headed, staggering as you're eyeing the neon logo of the bar. All mesmerised, like awakening from a surreal dream, you can't really decide whether it's the same town or an another one, yet Bucky just seems to act so naturally, casually walking toward the front door after he took the keys and set his bike aside that you begin to wonder if he’s been here before.

 

You're following him closely, his scent haunting you. It's like it got stuck in your nose, making you feel more dizzy. Arriving at the entrance, you almost bump into Bucky as he stops, opening the door he lets you go forward and basically you're blinking like an idiot.

 

Sure, he did that other times when you first went shopping but you always felt like it was only because he could keep an eye on you that way. Maybe it’s only your mind getting side-tracked and making things up, but the gesture feels different this time, it makes your heart palpitate and you're a little shaky as you go in the bar in front of him.

 

Looking around, you begin to feel much weirder, there's just so much noise, so many people buzzing around, and your body seems to overreact, there's just too much input, too many things happening at once and you almost faint when, following you and stepping in the bar behind you, Bucky's chest collides with your back, and it strangely anchors you back to reality, even soothing you a little.

 

You can feel his scrutinising gaze on you as he steps next to you, but he doesn’t say anything, just puts his hand on your arm, dragging you gently into a much calmer booth.

 

Quite shocked by your own reaction, you feel like a newborn who's having her first encounter with the outside world and it really shakes you, your eyes getting a little teary you just feel like finding a dark corner, sinking on the ground and just cry there in silence until you calm down...

 

But you sit down instead, your motions slow and puzzled, and you subconsciously sit next to the window. Automatically taking the menu, you start to study what the place has to offer, just to keep yourself occupied, and you try to take deep breaths, your mind is still so full of all the noise, your ears are ringing, your chest rising frantically as you're trying to catch your breath.

 

You can't seem to relax or distract yourself though, it's like the letters on the menu are playing tag with you, you just can't read the words properly, your anxiety growing as the waitress steps next to you.

 

“Good evening! What can I get for you?”

 

“Good evening! We'd like the specialty of the day, please,” Bucky smiles at the girl kindly. Peeking from the corner of your eye, you notice the light blush on her cheeks and you cannot actually comprehend how, but there's a strong shift in your feelings, emotions waving violently like the ocean during a wild thunderstorm, and it's like… all the panic turns into green rage as you're watching the two of them interact so smoothly. So... _friendly_.

 

Looks like Bucky Barnes only has difficulties talking to you...

 

It's like a slap in your own face as you take a second and slowly start to evaluate your reactions. It's… Wait, you were on the verge of breaking down a moment ago, what happened and when?

 

Still peeping at Bucky and seeing how relaxed he appears to be, there's a smothering feeling in the pit of your stomach, your fist clenching a little you almost tear the menu apart.

 

But that's not _jealousy_ , right? You can't be jealous, because that'd be insane, but to be sincere, your whole life has turned upside down, and everything within and around you is pretty much crazy.

 

With a constant high-pitched noise buzzing in your ears, you find it hard to pay attention to what's happening around, not to mention your wrecked nerves. You notice however, that these two are still chatting, even _laughing_ , but you cannot understand their conversation fully, because you’re trying your best not giving a fuck about them, feeling so strange, and left out, and all.

  
You lift the menu higher, trying to hide behind it, because suddenly you're feeling too self-conscious and you think you must look horrible next to the beautiful waitress who just doesn't want to leave Bucky alone, completely ignoring your presence she keeps talking to him.

 

“And for drinks? We have some special offers...” She beams, and you can hardly hold back yourself from rolling your eyes. You're aware that you're being ridiculous, because it’s nothing more than a usual customer-waitress conversation, yet she still has Bucky's full attention over you, and it makes you... _feel things_.

 

But that's still not jealousy, right? You've practically just had a mild panic attack, and you're pretty much craving a little care, yet the bitch doesn't even ask what _you_ want for yourself. If you weren’t trembling and your legs didn't feel like jelly, you'd just go and write a nice complaint in the customer’s book for sure and have her fired...

 

On the top of everything, when you look up from the menu for the first time in, like, 5 minutes (you can't help yourself because you're too curious) you realise that Bucky is sitting on the other side of the table, close to the aisle he's pretty far away from you (and closer to the bitch clearly attempting to flirt with him, as she keeps rambling about drinks but her body language isn't subtle at all), and it's really ridiculous that you're decoding this as a sort of _rejection_.

 

_Oh, man… My mind is really fucked up._

 

Forgetting about yourself, you still roll your eyes as you look back at the menu; even staring at it all dumbfounded is better than thirdwheeling in here all night.

 

“Just water. Thank you.”

 

“Okay, be right back with your order.”

 

And thank God, she leaves, but turns out, you can't throw an inner tantrum in peace, because Bucky Barnes just doesn't let you.

 

“What?” His raspy voice thundering through the air, he should make you scared, but you're just too upset now, wild rage bubbling within your veins, your anxiety is about something else now.

 

“What what?”

 

“You seem upset.”

 

 _Gold medal for the Ace of Surveillance_ , you think sarcastically, but instead of voicing your bitterness you decide you play dumb.

 

“I'm not.” You know you won this round because he's just too introverted to go further and actually have a debate with you. Still, you're not feeling great about the situation at all, and you can't keep your mouth shut after all, adding: “Actually, I was thinking that you're totally ruining our cover sitting, like, half a mile away from me…”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“This” you point at yourself, then at him, drawing a small circle over the table in the air. “It's ridiculous. People don't sit like this.”

 

Your words seem to hit the assassin (because you're just too mad at him and he deserves to be addressed like that now) hard in the head, his face shows nothing but astonishment as he's thinking about what you've just said.

 

“I know it looks weird but you seemed like having an anxiety attack and I didn't want to make it worse and make you feel cornered… I wanted to let you have your personal space until you calm down.”

 

Well, his reasoning is pretty much acceptable, you would agree with that even if you weren't actually taken aback by his insight and concern, and how long of a monologue he just did for the first time ever, basically.

 

And you realise, you can't be angry with him when he's just such a _sweetheart_.

 

Brown eyes burning into you, you wish he was all himself, missing his sincere steel blue irises so much… But at least it’s still his own voice, and you find comfort in hearing it, even if seeing a different face to it leaves you pretty much deranged.

 

Suddenly you don't know what to say to him. The man is just not for real, neither is the situation you've gotten into.

 

“I think we still should keep our cover a priority…”

 

You're beating yourself up mentally, because that just sounded straight on awful. Yet, Bucky stands up a little, lifting himself so he can take his place next to the window, in front of you.

 

He was right. Having him on the opposite seat, the booth has shrinked in size, and you really feel like your privacy doesn't exist at all, because, hot damn, he's tall and huge, taking up every possible space available. Yet, you wouldn’t say that you mind it at all, he could — using his choice of wording — corner you any time, you'd be honestly glad, but he doesn't need to know that, and neither should you be thinking about such things in the first place.

 

“Better now?”

 

You don't know Bucky Barnes. At all. Especially you can't read the guy when he's having someone else's face sheltering his, but still, how his fake-brown eyes glisten and the corner of his mouth curls into a small grin (his lips aren't pressed together in a firm line, that's a smile in his book), you're pretty much delusional to have the impression that he's, in fact, _teasing_ you, or he's being _sassy_.

 

Then, shifting around on his seat, his legs keep touching yours under the table, and you're pretty much sure that he's being a _dick_.

 

 _Just when did we get to this level in our friendship_ , you muse in silence, waiting for your pancake to arrive. At least, you figure he must've ordered that, since it still is a pancake house you are currently at.

 

“You can thank me later when you see that no HYDRA agents are chasing us on our way back…” You retort hot-headedly, still in shock after the wild roller coaster of emotions you've just been hit with, but you totally regret your words afterwards, as you see how tense Bucky becomes upon hearing your awful joke, the smile long gone, like it never even existed at all.

 

_Right. We took a step forward, but now I made him take a hundred backwards…_

 

You sigh, mentally abusing yourself but absolutely grateful for the waitress arriving with your meal in time to distract Bucky from your shit-ass mistake.

 

If you can't have a normal conversation with Bucky Barnes, maybe you can better eat together in awkward silence…

 

“Here you are,” the waitress puts down the trays, one for each of you, and of course she goes to Bucky first. Her eyes are on him all the time ( _again_ , and it angers you, _again_ ) and you really wish she dropped your meal on you being so distracted by your company, so you could be shouting at her and call her names. “Let me know if you need anything else.”

 

 _The idiot wouldn't be this affectionate if she knew she's just served the Winter Soldier_ , you're mocking in silence, and either your thoughts are too loud, or Bucky has the ability to read minds because he's eyeing you again. You'd think he's about to make a comment, but he stays silent after thanking the waitress one more time. (And thank god, she leaves for good now.)

 

But to be honest, the thing is that you can't hide your emotions really well, and they always show on your face, whether you like it or not, making you like an open book anyone can read with no struggle.

 

Maybe he noticed that you're actually jealous too? Because that's pure jealousy you've been experiencing in the last ten minutes. It may sound crazy and it sure is madness, but you're still feeling it, your former discomfort wholly forgotten it's all that fills your trembling little self now: sheer envy, and it's all new and terrifying, and you can't even fathom it just yet.

 

Clearing your throat you reach for the glass of water, hoping that the cool liquid can wash out the dryness from your throat.

 

But in fact, nothing, even stuffing your mouth with oh-so-delicious yummy pancakes with maple syrup, whipped cream and blueberries on top can save you from all the embarrassment, so you just start rambling about, as the awkward person you are.

 

“So you've been here before?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Shocking. He can answer you, even if it's just admission or denial.

 

You look up at him, urging him with your curious gaze that you're waiting for him to reveal more, but he does not do that. In fact, he even is avoiding eye contact now, his head looking down, he's eating in silence, completely ignoring you, so you did just brilliantly before with the HYDRA-mentioning fiasco.

 

“What do you want?” His voice sounds up then, and you're amazed to realise a slight touch of annoyance in it. “I can't eat when you keep staring at me like that.”

 

“But if we don't talk to each other, that's also suspicious and could blow our cover.”

 

You're not a trained SHIELD agent. You've never been on a mission, let alone haven't been undercover before, so you keep repeating the one thing you know about them. It's really ridiculous but it's working, since you still get Bucky Barnes to look up at you and talk to you…

 

“Mentioning HYDRA out loud can also have the same consequence.”

 

...even if he's actually rather angry with you now.

 

It feels like you actually received two black points, because...

 

One: you fucking ruined the moment;

 

Two: you brought up HYDRA, nothing more just the organisation that fucking _brainwashed_ him, so you probably triggered a bunch of bad memories in him if he wasn't thinking about them by himself for once.

 

_Nicely done, girl, you're brilliant._

 

You can't hold his gaze, and have to look away, your blood flushing your cheeks as you're just so ashamed, your conscience tearing you apart.

 

Should you say you're sorry? Because you really are. But then all he knows about you is that you “are” HYDRA, so having small talks with him wouldn't change anything, especially not the way he looks at you. Or how he doesn't, diverting his gaze, his full attention is on his meal again.

 

Do you look so awful that he just has to avoid having you in his sight? Does he prefer the waitress?

 

And again, your thoughts are on a very wrong track starting to muse about such things as Bucky Barnes’ type and preferences, and you don't even know how you got there. Sure, the guy is handsome, and he's quite _nice_ at times (And what was your safe word again? He's _interesting._ ) but you just don't have any reasons to feel anything else about him, right? You can't just fall for him, because there's a difference between liking him, feeling sorry for him and looking at him _that way_.

 

Trying to stop all this nonsense going on in your head, you start to brainstorm hard about what you could chat about that's a safer topic (favourite things can't get on the list because he probably doesn't remember what those are for him) you kind of space out, forgetting about the small booth you're sitting in, your knees brush against Bucky's under the table, and suddenly you're feeling really hot, your palms sweating the glass slips out of your hands, hitting the table with a sharp thump, and it almost tips over but you catch it with your shaky hands, eventually spilling some water on the table.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Your eyes shooting up, you realise that he's been staring at you, and it can happen you blush more.

 

_Oh, yes, I'm fine. I'm just being a moron but that's usual. Additionally, you're driving me crazy, but thanks for asking._

 

Now what on Earth should you possibly tell him? But first things first, why on Earth does he care if you're okay or not?

 

Your dreamy side taking over, you're overthinking the situation again, because of course he has his concerns about you, you're his hostage and if you make a scene, then boom, he's got trouble, so you really need to tame your mind and keep it fucking real, because there's no way he gives a shit about you for real.

 

But then, the blunt pain lingering in your ankle reminds you of how carefully he put a bandage around it a few hours before, and you're in doubts again, your vision becoming blurry as pink clouds start to form in your head, sending you in such a dreamy mood that mingles with anxiety and angst.

 

You may have been panicking when you first entered the bar, but then Bucky distracted you and you almost forgot about the discomfort of being out and about, but to be honest, even having a mental breakdown sounds better than realising what you may be feeling for him.

 

You're sailing on dangerous tides, the boat is about to overturn and you'll probably end up drowning in deep water if you can't stop this craziness right here.

 

“I'm just nervous.” You share the publicly acceptable version of the truth with him, and it actually isn't that bad, you just feel like you're being stabbed and have your insides smashed slowly.

 

“It's because of…” He pauses as a random guy walks past your booth, then he checks out the bar, looking at the crowd all suspicious before he continues, whispering so quietly it's almost inaudible.

 

“Because you haven't been around people lately. The noise, the crowd… It's too much, isn't it? Unfamiliar. And you're scared.”

 

Listening to him actually mesmerises you, you keep gawking at him, all surprised by what he's saying and how it feels like he actually _knows_ the feeling well, because he's been there himself…

 

And if you think of what you know about him, it's 100% that your guess is right.

 

“I don't know what to say…” You confess truthfully, quite taken aback, yet very much relieved that seemingly he possibly thinks that your only problem is with people and not having mixed feelings for him.

 

Looking at him again you can't help but wonder about his expertise, and you realise if Bucky Barnes ever wanted a job, he could be a professional therapist though, helping people who (almost) have been through the same thing as him.

 

“Let's just have our dinner, then” is all he adds, but plot twist: he shows a weak smile as he's looking at you (even if it's probably fake and you can't understand how he manages to stay cool with you even after you are a prick sometimes, but you appreciate his efforts, it only makes your foolish romantic side bloom and your chest fills up with warmth), and after a while you nod, trying to return the gesture there's a sad smile on your face.

 

Staying silent is good, and it's safe, with no words exchanged, nothing can go any more wrong between the two of you.

  


And that was it. After you finished your meals you returned to his place, and it was quite late, the moon and stars shining above your head it was the first time you saw them for weeks, the breathtaking sight of giant gas balls flickering from light years away filling you up with a sort of sadness but you also felt a certain kind of bliss witnessing such a thing. You always were fascinated with the night sky, it was just something too magical and enchanting, and it always made you realised that you were so small, a tiny human being in the endless universe.

 

Right after you had shower and went to bed, you could hear Bucky's shrieks coming from his room, you knew he had another panic attack, and you were well aware that it was because of you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo.... *wipes off swet* Another chapter is out there... *screams*
> 
> No fluff this time either xD I tried, but tbh I love the angst in this story so much (tbh if I realise I haven't written angst in it in the last few paragraphs, then I just have to add some more, otherwise it would be strange, lmao), and how slow things are happening between Reader and Buck-Buck.
> 
> BUT!!!! Some fluffiness is en route! I came up with some epic ideas *lmao such a bragging brat* and I can't wait to write it and post it. Gonna take some chapters, and omg I'm so excited, I'm really curious how it will work out eventually.
> 
> Some addiotional ramblings:
> 
> 1) I forgot what I wanted to add here once more,
> 
> 2) well, calling the poor waitress a "bitch" is rather controversial to me, it seemed so hilarious at one point, but then i couldn't decide if I should leave or delete it...
> 
> 3) oh my favourite, apparently: BUCKY BARNES ASKING FOR WATER ONLY BECAUSE HE'S JUST RECOVERING AND HE'S CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT HE EATS AND DRINKS, AND WATER IS THE BEST THING EVER, IT HAS SO MUCH BENEFITS AND WHATNOT, I LOVE WATER *faints*
> 
> Okay, back to being serious again, I like this chapter, but i still feel like it's weird a little. (And kudos for me spending so much time on reading about those shit masks on some marvel wikia page, and try to get some info about them, but i kinda ended up creating my own version, cause I'm reckless like that.)
> 
> Oh and lastly: next week's chapter is coming around Thursday (if I can finish it in time) because i'm going to a festival (to see Muse, yay) next weekend, and I'm just so happy and excited that I wanted to surprise you with a very long chapter (possibly gonna be split in two but I post both of them at once), because I love you all so much.
> 
> Dunno what else to say, you're prolly not even reading this, but I hope you enjoy the new chapter.
> 
> Love, and plums, and Bucky for all of you <3


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so here's the new chapter, split into two as I promised. I was really excited to post this, because it's new to me (I mean it wasn't planned, so I wrote this last week) and it took a different turn, and Idk if I like it so much or maybe I should've worked on it more and refine some parts... (Maybe I'll do a huge rewriting spree again xD)
> 
> As usual, I always forget what I wanted to say... 
> 
> About something else I really wanted to share with you for some time: I really like the band Nothing But Thieves, and their song 'Hostage' is tbh the OST of this fic, and I'm so happy that song exists, I loved it before, but after associating it with this fic, Reader and Bucky's relationship comes to me mind whenever I hear it, and it makes me so happy. (So I high key recommend it :3)
> 
> All mistakes come from my inability of learning to write properly. If there are any typos or embarrassing mistakes, I'll probably notice and correct them later.

* * *

 

Waking up the next morning is a mixed blessing. On one hand, it's a new day; it means you can start fresh and try to make it up to Bucky. On the other hand, you're just feeling so bad about yourself that you don't even dare to leave your bed and face him.

 

His panic attacks were really awful, you kept hearing his screams and his heavings for long minutes that felt like hours, and it just broke your heart. You wanted to go to him and help him, but you were just too ashamed to get in his sight, and on top of that, you could've been pretty much useless since you didn't know what to do to him in order to help him  getting through it.

 

Remembering that one occasion when you went into his room because you wanted to tuck him in but he attacked you, you just didn't want to risk anything nasty to happen. Even if you actually deserved a slap in the face, Bucky could've killed you easily if you had disturbed him during his seizures, and that wouldn't have helped his struggles at all, having one more person’s blood on his hands.

 

So you remained in your bed, trying to fall asleep and ignore the sounds he was making, your tears rolling down silently, and you fell asleep somehow.

 

You let out a huge yawn as your body awakens, stretching your limbs you know you can't sleep any more, no matter what time it is, so you sit up slowly, moaning a little as you stand up and go grab your towel and other bathroom accessories, staggering a bit for your mind just hasn't fully waken up yet.

 

When you first opened your eyes, your room seemed like a cell in a prison, and you pretty much were expecting giant rats running around and eating you alive… Later you realised that the room, in fact, was much bigger than it first seemed, and it wasn't rundown or dilapidated at all, the furniture quite nice, even though the bedroom lacked decorations.

 

The walls had only one colour, too boring for your liking but you got used to it in time, and you even started to find it calming. There was your bed in the middle, headboard set closely next to the wall. An armchair in the corner (Bucky was sitting there when you came back to your senses on the first night, and you hadn't really used it, apart from throwing your clothes and other things on it), a simple table next to it, and beside that, the tall mirror in which Bucky spotted the HYDRA tablet in your hands yesterday, and a wardrobe was on the opposite side of the room.

 

The simplicity of the place reminded you of a prison cell first, making you feel like an animal in cage, but you got accustomed to it later, and began to find it more appealing than having every sort of useless decorations in your room.

 

Getting back to the present and not being lost in your thoughts about the past anymore, you yawn again as you're walking toward the armchair to get your dirty clothes so you can wash them, and you realise, you have to pick another pieces of clothing for today, since there's a small pile spreading around the armchair as your used clothes have fallen on the floor…

 

“Just what should I pick for today…” You practically sing in a low tone, entertaining yourself a little. It's not that you're in a good mood, but you just felt like it, feeling so isolated you developed a new hobby: talking to yourself, and now you're an unofficial rock star too, with an imaginary audience.

 

Looking in the wardrobe, you realise how many clothes you still have, and you haven't worn most of them yet, so you choose something simple and comfy with matching underwear, go back to the desk for your toothbrush and shower gel, you pick up the towel you've thrown on your bed, and you head for the bathroom.

 

Tiptoeing in silence, your heartbeat doubles, your breathing speeding up as you're getting afraid of bumping into Bucky. But opening the bathroom door you have to realise that he's not there (thank god, because you're not ready to face him yet, and probably will never be after last night), so half relieved, half disappointed, you step into the bathroom and close the door behind you, turning on the lock so he couldn't just walk in on you showering in here in your naked glory.

 

Getting out of your pyjamas (you mean a short and a tank top) and stepping into the shower cabin feels pretty much freeing, and as lukewarm drops start dripping down on you, cleansing you from all your past mistakes, you feel like being reborn.

 

To be honest, showering always has been your favourite part of the day. It calmed you down, you could think clearly about things and it even freshened you up. But right now? Even if your body appreciated the luxury of warm water pouring down on you and the scent of your shower gel pleased your nostrils, your mind was racing, recalling the events of yesterday and your anxiety is taking over again.

 

Thinking about what happened in the pancake house, your stomach twists; eliciting the memory of the waitress and Bucky makes you feel the same thing again: _jealousy_. You’re so self-conscious, and you feel so bad about yourself, that your cozy morning shower starts to turn into something really bitter as you're mentally mocking and degrading yourself.

 

That girl surely would be better for Bucky, she wouldn't make him feel worse, she wouldn't mess things up like you do every time you're with him, and she surely would know how to help him through his difficult times.

 

You can't help yourself but picture them together: first, you see her in your place, then your imagination goes wilder and you see them kissing, and it’s killing you.

 

What angers you the most is that you're getting so upset again, you reach for the tap, and when freezing waterdrops are cutting into your heated skin, you hiss and gasp, your body trembling in an instant. You may end up having a cold, but at least it's working, and you don't think about shit anymore.

 

Thirty minutes after finishing your morning routine, hair washed (in fucking cold water, brrr!), being in new clothes, and you think you smell quite nice, you're down in the kitchen now.

 

You have two big missions for the day.

 

 **One** : trying to stay low and not to upset Bucky Barnes any more; and

 **Two** : still, you have to make it up to him somehow, and (although you know it's rather impossible) you intend to make him laugh, at least do something nice for him.

 

It's not even two minutes into your holy mission, when looking into the fridge, you have to realise that your second task is already compromised.

 

You wanted to make Bucky some pancakes (because he took you to a pancake house for a reason, and he seemed to like them really much as you recall how fast he ate his meal) but seeing how much you're out of supplies, it's just not an option. So you settle for a poor omelette, trying to make the best you can out of all remaining things in the fridge.

 

Too into cooking, you forget about yourself again, and you find yourself singing your favourite song, still in a low tone because you don't want to wake Bucky up…

 

Turning off the stove and turning around to pick up the dish towel from the dining table behind you, you have to come to the conclusion that you're pretty much late for that.

 

Bucky’s standing right there, leaning against the door frame with his right shoulder, eyeing you so attentively that it makes you quiver.

 

What's more, he's probably just got out of bed (you mean: out of his _couch_ ) because he's rocking some glorious morning hair that looks better than it actually should. (Seriously, the guy's brunette locks are something too magnificent for this world, your palms are practically itching you'd like to run your fingers through his hair so much — and yes, that's another shocking news to you after you realised you were jealous of him. But you’re still not into him _that way_ , right? There’s hope for you, still, right??!)

 

Lowering your gaze you pretty much fuck yourself up even more, because he's wearing a tank top that he should just be prohibited from wearing at all, since it's showing off his muscled arms and torso so much, and hot damn, when did his metal arm become so… _sexy_?

 

You shouldn't be staring. You really should stop gawking at him, and first of all, you shouldn't find him hot at all, but either you've gone totally crazy or never have been at all, since long minutes pass by, probably hours, and you're still staring, and you're practically _drooling_ , but good for you, you still have the ability to function a little, and you keep swallowing, so you might avoid wetting the whole kitchen around you.

 

Bucky seems pretty sleepy, his eyes puffy, and there are dark circles under them, and once again you're struck with reality, thinking back to last night, and you get incredibly ashamed again, for you just keep sexualising him and his well-built body when he's a POW and is suffering from PTSD.

 

You really should say something, but:

  1. **A)** you don't fucking have the guts;
  2. **B)** you don't fucking know what to say to him.



 

“Was I too loud?” You find yourself asking then, your voice so raspy you think he just can't understand your words at all. “I'm sorry if I woke you up…” You add it after clearing your throat.

 

Bucky looks confused, looking at you with big, steel blue puppy eyes, then he mumbles, “No, you didn't” and if you thought you could calm down, hearing his coarse, sleepy voice triggers you again to a point that you don't even want to describe with words.

 

(Because it's pretty much inappropriate for your situation with him, and it's just madness…)

 

Bucky pushes himself away from the door frame and he steps into the kitchen, going straight to the coffee machine, rubbing his face with his right palm. The day hasn't even started, but you're happy to get to know two more things about Bucky Barnes: seemingly, he's not a morning person (albeit you shouldn't be wondering after knowing how shit his night was) and he likes coffee.

 

You try not to acknowledge your heartache as he seems to ignore you again, so you pick up the dish towel you came for in the first place, and turn back to the stove to pick up the pan and the omelette with it.

 

You were bold enough to set the table before you started making breakfast, too naive and dreamy, you put a plate for Bucky too. He's never eaten your meals, why would he do that now, especially after yesterday, but—

 

“Umm… Do you want to eat now, or later?”

 

Just how on Earth did you manage to pronounce those words, you are practically amazed by yourself.

 

You were pretty much reckless and not thoughtful, for waiting for Bucky Barnes’ answer takes its toll on you, you're shaky and your heart palpitating, it's like you're in court and awaiting the verdict.

 

“Yeah, I can eat now, I guess. Since you already set the table…”

 

Just wow. Just wow.

 

 _Holy crap, I wasn't prepared for this_.

 

A sharp noise fills the room, cutting into your eardrums as you drop the metal slotted spoon on the table, mumbling “Sorry”, and you’re pretty sure that Bucky Barnes must hate you. You ruin his mornings, his days, and his nights, you're just a disaster, and you think he surely regrets that he took you now.

 

Trying your best to fill his plate without dropping the whole thing from your hands again, you're feeling so hot, and it may sound insane but you could swear it's his gaze you're sensing, slowly wandering on you. Small chills go down on your spine to your toes, and you're dying to know if he's really looking at you now, and if he does, what does he think about you?

 

Surviving serving food for both of you, you let out a big sigh and take all your remaining courage to turn around and put the pan and spoon in the sink. Spotting him from the corner of your eye, you notice that he's leaning against the kitchen counter, next to the coffee machine, still holding the cup in his hands. He’s kind of spaced out, looking sideways, his eyes are on the walls, and it's like he's thinking of something, and now your theory is 100% disproved. He wasn't staring at you for sure, and you just imagined the whole thing.

 

_I'm really going crazy…_

 

You sigh once more, closing your eyes for a moment you totally miss how Bucky Barnes sends a worried look at you. But even if your eyes were wide open, you just couldn’t compete with a sneaky assassin who practically knew how stay invisible, and as the ghost story he was, one could never notice him coming, let alone nobody could catch him studying someone, as he's watching his target in silence.

 

After you collect yourself and you're ready to turn away and return to the dining table, a sudden realisation hits you: you forgot about juice. There's no morning without your regular morning juice, so — still a little shaky — you go to the fridge and open it, only to see that, in fact, no fruits or any juices are left.

 

You close the fridge, all disappointed. You must be pulling faces, because once again, Bucky Barnes surprises you with his say.

 

“If you need something, you should make a list, so you won't forget to buy it when we're going in town later…”

 

Hold on a second… Did he just imply you're going with him? And again: did he really say ‘we’? Are you really going back to town with him?

 

This should make you feel if not happy, then excited, for you're dying to go outside, but after last night, your anxiety is taking the best of you: you just can't go out with him again.

 

Because you'll do or say something stupid again, hurt his feelings again, and you just can't let that happen. Because yeah, you mostly care about his feelings and his well-being, and only after those comes that he's freaking handsome, and you're loosing your mind having stronger and stronger feelings for him.

 

“Do you…”

 

You bite your lips, not really knowing how to say what you want. You could just act out the hysterical-unbearable-hostage role, so you could put him off from ever wanting to take you out, but then again, acting like that, you most certainly would end up being too carried away and hurt his feelings again, and you still are very much considerate about those.

 

“You said _we_ , and if I get that right, I'm not sure that I should go with you.”

 

See? Telling the truth wasn't so bad after all. You can play it nice.

 

The only thing you don't know that you still managed to wound Bucky Barnes, even if he conceals it and it cannot be seen physically, for it's on his soul. He’s the Winter Soldier, of course you don't wish to be around him, he always notices how you can barely hold yourself together in his presence. His bad, though, he shouldn’t have kidnapped you in the first place.

 

“Do you want to go out?” His coarse voice reaches your eardrums, making them resonate in pleasure.

 

You look up at him, all confused. What's worse, he just seems to be so tired, if you had the money, you would send him to a wellness hotel for a whole year.

 

“I do, but—”

 

“You can come with me, I don't mind.”

 

 _I don't mind_. More like, “well, you're just a minor annoyance I can handle”, you think.

 

“I mean… I see you're not limping anymore.”

 

You look down abruptly, seeing that your leg is doing just fine. All pain is gone, you didn't even notice.

 

But wait, how did _he_ notice it?

 

“Or maybe you should stay and don't burden it. The injury is still recent, maybe it could go worse again...”

 

Now that's bad, because you don't actually know what you want anymore. You'd like to go with him, because you still yearn for being outside, you cannot lie to yourself, no matter how confused or scared you are. After he took you out yesterday, you basically got hooked, especially on being out in the nature. The problem is with people and with your fear of doing something wrong again…

 

It's a rather great dilemma, because if you can work out the people part, there's nothing really against going with him, right? You should just stay low and try not to bother Bucky, and you feel like you can do that.

 

Besides, you just crave simply being around him. You wish to know him better.

 

Bucky's waiting for your answer, watching you attentively, dreamy blue burning into you, and you still don't know what to say to him.

 

“I can go, I guess. I mean I need some things for myself.” You hear yourself saying. It's actually true, because you lost track of time and you don't know how long you've been here with him, but you can tell he can't have any ladies accessories stored in the house if your period hits you in a day or two…

 

Looking up under your eyelashes sneakily, you try to guess what Bucky must be thinking about your decision, but his face is unreadable, as usual, and you get a little lightheaded staring into steel blue orbs directly, as usual.

 

“Umm, the omelette will cool off…” Changing the topic you storm toward the dining table, and being just a rude little prick you sit down urgently — before your legs give in, and you fall on your face — not waiting for him at all.

 

If you weren't staring at your plate so attentively, you might have realised how hesitant Bucky Barnes actually was before pushing himself away from the kitchen counter and following you.

 

_Okay, girl, just don't choke on your food… Chew, swallow… Chew, swallow..._

 

Trying to eat properly is quite impossible, even if having Bucky sitting in front of you, eating your food for the first time ever isn't like last night in the small booth in the pancake house at all. There's at least one meter between the two of you, his legs don't brush against yours under the table, yet you're still very much intimidated, but mainly because of your own feelings.

 

You're smart enough not to try to initiate a conversation with Bucky at all, for you just can't ask such things as: _“Did you sleep well?”_ or _“How was your night?”_ , so it astonishes you quite much when you can hear his voice sounding up.

 

“There's enough coffee for you, if you want.”

 

“Thanks, I'll consider.” You don't dare to look up at him, and hell no, you won't risk standing up and trip over like a moron.

 

You try your best to keep quiet and don't disturb him anymore, you don't even know what to say to him, so it pretty much makes you shocked as he just can't seem to stay silent now.

 

“Do you still want me to train you?”

 

Just how in the whole existing universe did he manage to come up with that question?! You don't even remember your own gender anymore, how could you reply to him with complete, grammatically correct sentences?

 

“I don't know… Do you still wanna take me on another suicide mission with you?”

 

That slipped. Your eyes shooting up, you see his eyes flicker, steel blue irises light up so sharply, it's like they're scratching into your skin, and his jaw clenches... You messed it up again.

 

 _It's his fault_ , you're excusing yourself, _he shouldn't try to talk to me as long as I'm an idiot_.

 

“Well, we can start tomorrow, I guess.” Wiping his mouth clean with the dish towel, he puts the cloth down on the table, pushes his seat backwards and stands up.

 

“Let me know if you're ready to go” is all he adds, before leaving you on your own.

 

Trying to swallow the food still in your mouth (you stopped chewing a minute ago because of the so much tension) and hold back your tears, you notice that his plate is, in fact, _empty_. You may have compromised the whole day again, but at least you managed to feed Bucky Barnes.

 

At least, that's _something_.


	13. Chapter 13

Standing all dumbfounded in the middle of your room, you don't know what to do.

 

Minutes crawled so slowly as you were sitting in the kitchen after Bucky left, so shocked again that you must have spent at least half an hour just staring in front of you, lost in your thoughts. You felt like you couldn't eat anymore, so you stood up after a while, threw the remaining food in the trash, and did the dishes.

 

Now you're ready to go, and (as Bucky requested) you should go to him and notify him, so you could leave and do the shopping, but you just can't move your legs.

 

If you get in his sight again, you'll end up being an asshole just once again, and your soul can't handle that.

 

_Why is it so hard to be around him?_

 

You can't seem to be able to solve the mystery. It may sound crazy, but actually, it was much better when you knew no shit about the Winter Soldier. You could get along with him better then; he was the scary assassin who kidnapped you, and you were the scared victim, actually frightened to death, but you still managed to keep your wit and cool head, and sometimes you even believed you could get out of this alive and well.

 

But now? The Winter Soldier turned into a lost puppy, and you pretty much felt like you had turned into a stupid side character who played the love interest in a cheap comedy.

 

And “love interest”, as you fell for the man keeping you imprisoned, and your feelings pretty much weren't reciprocated at all. If you come to think about it, it's like Beauty and the Beast, without the happy ending. (Another major difference: Bucky Barnes is just way more dashing than the Prince in that story, but again, you're thinking like a delusional fangirl…)

 

You can't help but wonder what Bucky may want to do with you after everything. Does he have another plan that he just doesn't bother to share with you, or maybe he'd like to get rid of you now, but he doesn't know the way?

 

Maybe… If you go to town, you should make it easier for him, and just sneak away when he doesn't pay attention for once?!

 

Yep, you can do that for him. Even if SHIELD or HYDRA catches you, and you have nowhere to go and have no money, you are ready to free yourself from Bucky Barnes — for his and for your own sake — and let him be on his own, ‘cause he's way better like that, than having to tolerate you by his side and you always causing him trouble.

 

Walking to his room is the hardest thing for you to do. Your anxiety tearing you apart, you are trying to catch your breath but you keep heaving, it's like another panic attack is about to hit you…

 

Just one step closer, and you're there, your whole body trembling, your palms sweating. But then you spot him sitting on the couch, holding something in his hands (it looks like a notebook and as if he's writing), so immersed in what he's doing that you feel like an intruder and don't dare to speak up and disturb him.

 

Thinking that he hasn't noticed you yet, you just watch him in silence, because you want to remember him. You really decided you'd leave, and you know these are probably your last moments in this place, the last opportunity for you to just have your eyes on him, and you try to let him go.

 

It's not like you're unconditionally in love with him, right? It's just that you feel so awful because you really wished to help him somehow, but then you didn't even know how and you kept failing, always ruining the day with something you said or did.

 

So lost in your mind, you didn't even realise when all the panic dissipated, you are calm once again. It's only when Bucky — must have sensed that he was being watched — turns his head, looking straight at you, your heart rate doubles again, but it's different. It's also pretty much terrifying but exciting at the same time, butterflies in your stomach…

 

“I'm ready…” Your weak voice rockets through the air. You don't only mean that you are ready to go into town with him, you mean you are ready to leave for good.

 

Bucky is watching you in silence, his eyebrows furrowed together, it's like he'd want to say something (he probably noticed how upset you are, and you must look like shit) but his only reply is: “Wait for me downstairs, I'll be right there.”

  


Waiting downstairs is really nerve-wrecking once again, looks like if you're not physically close to Bucky Barnes, then you keep overthinking everything, because he's not around to keep your mind occupied, and your thoughts are rushing back and forth in your head.

 

Maybe you should've made a list of the things you wanted to buy, just to calm your anxiety, but then again, you really decided you'd leave, so dealing with a shopping list is quite unnecessary…

 

Musing about your crazy escape plan, you feel like you should've made more preparations, at least stuffing a handful of money in your pocket or taking a smaller HYDRA device from Bucky's little store, so you wouldn't be so miserable being on your own again in an unknown place, but that would be _stealing_ , and you sure as hell won't steal from Bucky Barnes, even if it means that you're gonna die out there in a couple of days.

 

Angering yourself a little, as you're left to your thoughts alone that are just killing you now, you're pacing up and down, the floor almost fuming under your steps, when Bucky comes down the stairs, and you're once again gawking at him.

 

He's changed, and if you thought that he looked _hot_ wearing a white tank top in the morning, then you have to realise, it can happen that he's way sexier wearing several layers of clothes.

 

You can't even count how many shirts he's wearing under a denim jacket and a baggy autumn jacket, and either you've gone completely crazy after finding even his metal arm sexy (and you think that's the lowest of you), now it looks like no matter what he does or what he wears, you find him hot and you're on a really wrong track now…

 

You checked him out when you took a first look at him coming down the stairs, and he looked pretty much gorgeous… (Especially he's got a pair of pretty nice legs.) Seemingly he didn't pay attention to you so you could take your time staring at him. Now he's standing next to you, his scent forcing his way through your nostrils and into your lungs, and it's like you've got high ‘cause your brain seems to malfunction.

 

“You realise it's not winter, right?”

 

Once again you're talking bullshit. He should just cover your mouth or gag you, so you'd stop embarrassing yourself and making him uncomfortable.

 

“But I have to hide _this_ somehow…” Lifting up his left hand, the neon lights of the lamp get reflected on the shiny metal as he's moving his fingers.

 

“Your arm looked like a human one when we were at the HYDRA facility…”

 

Even if you clearly were curious about most things, you never dared to ask him straight. Now that you have done it, making you blush after you blurted it out, and making Bucky look at you strictly and suspiciously, furrowing his eyebrows, you start to feel like a kid who did some mischief and was about to get scolded by her mama.

 

You are ready to mumble “Sorry” when, blowing your mind, Bucky happens to reply to you.

 

“I only use that on rare occasions.”

 

And his eyes vibrating with violence, you get the message and don't ask about anything concerning his left arm anymore. It must be a sensitive topic to him, you can see how anxious and defensive he has become, so you'd better bite on your tongue and don't say a thing anymore.

 

But still, just to get back to his clothing, it's like he just put on everything he has found, yet he's still rocking the look (and once again your thoughts made a full circle and you got to the part again where you think he's just fucking nice to the eyes), you still can't understand how he plans to mingle and merge into the crowd when everyone else is dressed up differently, not to mention the gloves he's holding in his right hand.

 

But he's the assassin, he knows best.

 

“Go down to the garage, I'm following you in a minute,” he adds it then, his words confusing you quite much but you're clever (or stupid) enough not to say anything, and turn around to leave, trying to remember the path to the garage, because you've only been there one time before, and you were just so surprised he took you there that you forgot to pay attention and memorise the way.

  


Bucky may be just another typical guy, metal arm or not, because he said _one minute_ , but more than five have passed and he still is nowhere to be seen as you're leaning against the car with which you went shopping the last time, your arms crossed over your chest, waiting for him.

 

Firm footsteps approaching, you raise your head up, spotting him coming toward you, and once again, he takes your breath away.

 

He certainly took your advice and changed, only wearing a dark shirt with long sleeves, and there's a black leather jacket in his hand (talking about hands, his left arm is doing _the thing_ again, for it appears as a normal human arm once more). Wearing all black he's rocking the _bad boy_ look, and no, you don't think about the ‘S word’ once again, even if he looks _good_ , you stop yourself from putting it into words, especially trying to avoid using some dangerous ones such as s...e...x...y.

 

(But you also try to avoid calling him _attractive, handsome_ , or using expressions like _HOT DAMN_. To be honest, you fail, because you're swooning again.)

 

“We're going with a different car” is all he says, and after a little hesitation, you follow him, totally amazed how he's standing at the passenger’s side by a black Range Rover, apparently waiting for you because he opens the door for you, and you can't help but wonder again.

 

Not knowing whether you should thank him or not, you just hop in, and by the time you open your mouth, he’s just closed the door already, walking in front of the car he goes to the driver’s side and he's sitting next to you in an instant.

 

“Buckle up,” he mumbles after he does his seatbelt, taking on black sunglasses then, and you almost snort hearing the word, because of how similar it is to his nickname.

 

And you're on the road with him, the whole of it spent in silence, and you do nothing but wonder about the feelings of the man driving next to you, especially what he may be experiencing or thinking when he pronounces certain words that could have a meaning either to him, or to his past.

 

Because even if he's James Buchanan Barnes, he certainly isn't the same person anymore.

  


You're careless enough to just space out and stare out the car window during your little trip, too lost in your thoughts, and you don't pay attention to the road again.

 

When you're back on Earth, you're on a noisy city road, driving into town, and you realise you missed spotting the town name plate again.

 

After leaving an intersection, Bucky slows down and pulls over suddenly, your heart jumping up in your throat.

 

“I'll be right back…”

 

And he just jumps out of the car basically, not even taking the leather jacket with himself (it's still next to the gear change where he just threw it) and you can't help but blink. He just left you, all alone, with the car keys in and all doors unlocked, it's your chance to escape now, but…

 

Out of all times, why did he leave you like this now? It's just so careless of him, you'd say it's not like him at all, and it astonishes you so much that you can't even close your mouth, your jaw is dropped on the floor.

 

Did he do this on purpose? Does he want you to escape?

 

You don't know what to do now… It's the opportunity you've been waiting for, you could leave him alone and let him get by on his own, but your legs can't seem to move, you're just paralysed so much.

 

He said he'd be back in a few, but it's like almost ten minutes have passed and he's still nowhere to be found. If he really wants to get rid of you, then you really should take the hint because there's no way he just forgot to leave his hostage locked up.

 

Looking at the car radio, it's one more minute and he still hasn't returned yet, what's more he's not even near in sight as you keep scanning the area, he's nowhere to be found.

 

But you guess, if he really planned this out, he must be hiding somewhere, awaiting the moment you leave the car, so what are you waiting for? He’d end up staying in the shadows for eternity, even in a thunderstorm or in knee-deep snow if it was for you…

 

The syrens of a police car honk up in the distance, coming closer and closer and your heart skips a beat. Did he call the police? Would he really be willing to do that, giving you away and toss you to the government?

 

 _Fuck the sneaky son of a bitch_ , you cross your arms over your chest, your eyes flashing fiercely like a lightning tearing up the night sky.

 

If Bucky Barnes wants to get rid of you, he has to play it fair and tell it straight in your face, because there's no way you're going to cooperate in this.

  


Rushed footsteps approaching, your breath is taken away, your heart palpitating. It's silence from outside, despite the buzzing noise of the town and the people around, it's like the person outside the car is a little hesitant to get in, but then the door opens, and a familiar brunette is on the driver’s seat.

 

He doesn't start the engine, just sits there in silence, not looking at the seat next to him where you are supposed to be at all. You're yearning so much for being able to hear his thoughts or see his face, then spotting the paper cup in his hand you decide it's time for you to reveal yourself.

 

“You went to Starbucks and didn't think of me?!”

 

You care for Bucky Barnes, you swear. But watching him frown, his whole body freezing and him almost spilling his drink is really satisfying, at least you can have some revenge on him, for he's ruining your mental state all the time.

 

He doesn't turn around to face you as you sit up on the backseat (yeah, you planned this prank on him, tricking him into thinking that you disappeared, not sitting where he left you), but he's looking at you in the mirror. Your eyes meeting his reflected ones after he takes off his sunglasses, your brain shuts down completely, for you really thought you'd never see him anymore…

 

Yet there you are, maintaining eye contact for the longest time ever, and you can’t decide at all if there's anger glistening in his irises, or surprise, or…?

 

 _Well, he certainly isn't relieved I'm still here_.

 

Minutes pass by and he still doesn't say a word, and you're getting anxious. Maybe you should've left after all, making it easier for him and for yourself too?

 

“I thought you ran away.”

 

That's all about Bucky Barnes never confronting you. Just what the hell has gotten into this guy? First, he starts talking to you a lot, and it seems like he can't even shut up anymore, saying one short sentence every two minutes. Then he leaves you all unguarded, because he suddenly feels like he should let you escape (or you cannot even imagine what's going on in his mind), and when you don't, he fucking asks you indirectly why you're still here.

 

And what on Earth should you reply to that?!

 

“I was thinking about it…” You admit finally, still mesmerised by steel blue eyes staring into your very core, you just can't lie to him but refuse to tell him more, waiting how he would keep this conversation going from now on.

 

More awkward silence surrounds you after your confession and you're feeling pretty disappointed, for no more words come from Bucky Barnes anymore. His eyes are still on you though, and the eye contact is still there, and suddenly you feel like your soul is spiralling and is about to leave your body but it's just trapped… But again, it's like his eyes just sucked you in, and you went underwater, drowning in blue.

 

Bucky's lips part then, he takes a big breath as he's about to speak up…

 

“I didn't want to buy this, I just saw some suspicious people and went in there to get lost in the crowd.”

 

…and he disappoints you once more, and you can't really believe him anymore, since you're pretty sure he left you all unlocked for a reason.

 

A reason you know and he also knows that you know it too, yet he doesn't say it clearly and you don't push him to do so.

 

“Well, I kinda pissed myself too when I heard the police, so I hid here…” You tell him a version of your truth as well, deciding you leave the subject as it is. If you're playing this game from now on, you'll sure as hell show him that you're not so stupid and lost at all, and can keep up with him.

 

…until you don't have to run with him, though…

 

Steel blue beaming at you from the mirror, he's still staring at you sitting behind him, and maybe you're only making this up, but it's like he can't really believe you're still here.

 

But you guess it's just you hoping he’d feel that way, and it's only in your head.

 

“What suspicious people?” You whisper though, half terrified, for the first time you were defenceless, not wearing Nano Masks (because the realisation hit you when you were left alone in the car, quite terrified when that police car drove by) anybody could just spot you both and report you. Sounds pretty dangerous…

 

“I don't know, I just had this feeling…” You lean forward a little, so shocked and so curious about what he's saying, then he stops himself and doesn't say any more words after.

 

At least, he was a bit honest with you, and once again, that's _something._

  


“What are we gonna do now?”

 

“You can drink this if you want…”

 

You both say at the same time after a rather long pause, your words tangling like willow branches by a lake. Speaking up in unison gets both of you shocked, staring at one another with big eyes wide open.

 

Looks like awkward silences make most of your days, since once again you're staring at each other all speechless. Then Bucky clears his throat and looks away, making you gasp for air not having his eyes on you anymore.

 

“We've got some shopping to do,” he begins on a low, raspy voice, and you try to ignore the fact that his speaking voice is doing things to you. “But we should go to a different town…”

 

And just like that, when you spent the last few seconds staring at his lips moving as he was speaking in the mirror, he looks back at you, his eyebrows knitting together as he catches you biting your lips, and then you blush as you're caught having impure thoughts about the assassin who kidnapped you…

 

“Yeah, right.” You clear your throat too, your voice too shaky and coarse. Your cheeks redden more and you have to look away.

 

But looks like Bucky Barnes has decided to drive you insane today, since he's talking to you once again.

 

“You want this?” Your eyes back on him, you see how he's holding up the cup of coffee. You don't want to take it from him, for you know he surely would've drunk it if he had been alone, but you feel so thirsty, your throat so dry you really need to drink something, so you just nod in silence.

 

You reach for the paper cup, your skin brushing against Bucky's as you take the drink from his right hand, the warmth of his bare skin sending chills along your arm, it's like wild electricity buzzing through the lines, setting a fire in you, and your soul is vibrating, dancing alight.

 

Trying to distract yourself, you mumble “Thanks”, and when you're lifting the cup up to your mouth and you're about to take a sip, Bucky speaks up once more, and you almost choke on your coffee, that's apparently a Vanilla Latte.

 

“You want to come back to the passenger’s seat?”

 

The hell you want, but the hell you won't.

 

Feeling a magnetic pull toward the man, you just can't stop now and you always want to be around him, no matter how unpleasant or awkward it is. Yet, sitting behind him and a little sheltered away, you just feel safer, and you need that tiny distance for yourself now, so you can have time to calm down and try to digest what has happened today so far.

 

There's just so many things left unsaid between the two of you, and you're dying to know the answers but you still feel like today's been just too much already, and you need a little break.

 

“No, I think I'll stay here.” Your voice sounds up after all.

 

You're too occupied looking out the window and staring into the distance, watching cars and people come and go, and once again, you don't notice the strange glow in Bucky Barnes’ eyes and how his face suddenly becomes stern, he's jaw clenching as he swallows.

 

If you could read minds, you'd know that Bucky Barnes just couldn't understand if you were so against sitting by his side and so scared of being with the Winter Soldier, then why the hell didn't you escape when he had given you the chance.

 

But instead of just asking you, he starts the engine, and you're driving in the opposite direction, following the sun to the west as it travels across the sky, moving on the ecliptic.

* * *

 

Ooookaaay, so sorry to break the story, but trying to find Da Best outfit for Buck-Buck, I bumped into a pic of Seb. I need to share that Iwas  googling ' _sebastian stan in a tub' (_ yeaaah I was looking for  _that bath tub pic_ :3) and this was among the results, to my luck, because this pic is perfect, except the colour of his shirt (and his hair is a lil shorter), so I evoked my shit PS skills, and recolored Seb's shirt -- rather awfully -- and I just wanted to share it with you: 

Tbh, if some of you are talented enough to recolor more beautifully (or maybe edit this all Bucky-like with TWS hair and whatnot), feel free to do it. *encouraging a cheerleader dance*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, the second part of chapter 12, it's called chapter 13, totally ruining my chapter count, lmao. But to be fair I have no idea how to end this so I keep adding extra chapters before getting to the drama point, lmao.
> 
> Idk what to say but I'm really excited about this chapter. It was too long and I felt like I should split it, so I did that.
> 
> What excites me the most is that this chapter feels a bit (quite a lot) different to me, both in tone and style, especially the fact that I just randomly started showing Bucky-Boo's lil angsty feelings, which is odd, cause I never did that before, so starting it now both feels strange but I also felt like it was the right time now, since we know almost everything about him now, and Idk, I just wrote it as that, and I'm loving it.
> 
> What I dont like about this chapter is, that this second half feels a little off, like too many things happen, and I basically jump from one scene to another. Basically it's my fault cause I was rushing, and didn't really know what to do with the plot now, since I didn't plan the whole angsty escape part, especially not Bucky letting Reader escape. I imagined that while they were at a shop she could've got away, but she then would change her mind and stay. But tbh Bucky leaving her feels too off, like he wouldn't do that, but at the same time I kinda like it.
> 
> Oh yeah... the drowning in blue thing. Yeah, I love Avicii, and I love that song, so I totally stole that *calls the plagiarism police on herself*
> 
> Long story short, I need to go now, and I'm sure I wanted to add something else or rewrite something, but I have to hurry, and stuff, so I leave the new chapter(s) for you to judge.
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me! I love you my lil Plumz *hugs you all* 
> 
> See you next week! (if I survive the festival I'm going to attend this weekend, haha)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I survived the festival. And MUSE FUCKING PLAYED MY FAVOURITE FUCKING SONG MAP OF THE PROBLEMATIQUE (or how I call it: Map of the Perfectmatique :3) LIVE, HOLY CHICKEN NUGGETS I CANNOT BELIEVE, THAT WAS LIKE MY DREAM
> 
> Soooooo, sorry, that was off again, but I'm still too damn excited. Apart from having post gig depression and anxiety about my workplace, I'm happy to bring you the next chapter which is surprisingly less angsty than usual, and I think it's the longest one ever. (Wow...)
> 
> I wonder how you'll receive it? *anxious and excited*
> 
> **All mistakes are my own, but I'll probably notice and correct them later.

* * *

“We need to stop at a petrol station soon,” Bucky's voice fills the car for the first time after hours of travel. You got a little sleepy, your head turned sideways you've been staring out the window, mesmerised by the beautiful country you're travelling through.

 

“That's good news, I was about to pee in here…” You admit shamelessly, your body all numb from sitting in the same place for hours.

 

“Why didn't you ask me to stop?”

 

“I didn't know where we were going and how much time it'd take, so…” you reply in a low, sleepy voice, and you shrug, eyes still focusing on the scenery. You haven't had Bucky Barnes in your sight for a long time, and the fact that this still bothers you makes you really frustrated.

 

To be honest, you've experienced PMS and mood swings already, and you've become a little grumpy, this is why you are actually quite headstrong and resist to even look at him, so maybe you could forget about your stupid feelings for him…

 

Seems like you either should get brainwashed too to forget all this shit, or you just don't know the solution yet.

 

Bucky Barnes doesn't seem to make it any easier for you, since he's either ignoring you (hurting you quite much) or he just can't seem to shut up (making you quite confused), like right now.

 

“The place where I usually go is a small town. The next one is rather far away from it, and it's bigger. We're going there.”

 

“Uh-huh…” Again, you're being quite rude but what could you do? He's just driving you insane, always acting like the bipolar little shit he is. On top of that, your hormones are acting up, so you're more annoyed than usual.

 

If you weren't so upset and bothered to look at him, you could've noticed how confused and helpless Bucky Barnes actually was, realising that your attitude has certainly changed, but not knowing the reason behind it at all.

 

Yet again, he didn't ask you.

 

The petrol station was further than you thought, you really were reaching the end of your tolerance, but when you arrived finally, you went straight into the bathroom. It was mere luck that there was a small shop there, and they sold essential stuff for females, because you might've ended up bleeding on the car seat all along.

 

Cramps hit you really badly, so you grabbed a box of painkillers too, swallowing three in an instant and hoping for the best. (What surprised you was that Bucky bought you sunglasses, and you swear he was so cute and shy giving it to you, that you almost burst into tears.)

 

Now you're back on the road again, relying on drugs to numb the pain. After a short inner debate with yourself, you decided to take the backseat again in spite of how much you wanted to sit next to Bucky, because you felt a little insecure and you just didn't dare to take the passenger’s seat.

 

Little did you know that avoiding to sit next to him, you eventually managed to hurt Bucky Barnes one more time on that day, his fingers clenching around the steering wheel in his anger and self disgust, for you just clearly couldn't stand his presence now. Yet you didn't escape earlier, and the unsolvable mystery and how much of a contradiction you are just gives him the most painful headache ever.

 

Struggling with your moodiness and feelings, you’re too busy to notice the man’s dilemma. However, you can sense the sharp tension lingering around the air. The car suddenly seems too small, and Bucky just takes up so much space, you feel like there's no way you could ignore him for real.

 

Actually giving up on yourself after all, you take a look at Bucky Barnes once in a while, and seeing him you realise that he's been driving for hours, and even if he's holding onto the steering wheel with his metal arm, his right casually resting on the gear, he still must be quite rusted.

 

You'd actually offer him to switch places (the painkiller is working and you have eaten a ridiculous amount of chocolate and a sandwich, so you're doing okay now), but you don't really know if he’d let you or not, and you're not familiar with this part of the country. What's more, you haven't driven a car in months…

 

However, getting Bucky Barnes to work as a personal GPS for you sounds quite tempting, for you could listen to his voice all the time.

 

It'd be so much fun, like:

 

Bucky: left

You: *turns left*

B: right

Y: *turns right*

 

And so on, with awkward silences filling the car when he wouldn't prompt you… Hilarious, isn't it?

 

After you think you've laid your eyes on him for too long, and you’ve noticed those weird faces he’s pulling sometimes, his eyebrows jumping up to his forehead, you remember how he didn't like it when you were staring at him in the pancake house, and you turn your head away, looking out the window again.

 

“There's a motel not so far away,” he then draws your attention and your eyes are back on him. You should be proud of yourself, you didn't look at him for at least a second. “I think we should stay there for the night.”

 

“But it's not that late,” you peep at the car radio and see the time.

 

“I'm getting tired” is all he adds, actually proving that your guess was right about him, and he must be knackered. But again, knowing what his last night was like, that's not surprising at all.

 

Once again, you could suggest him that you can drive from now on, but you're still pretty much concerned about Bucky Barnes, and the idea of him resting in a proper bed is just much more appealing than having him on an uncomfortable car seat while you’re risking his life driving the car.

 

So you just nod in silence, your eyes back on the country, you’re playing with a strand of hair as boredom is taking its toll on you, totally not aware of the longing looks Bucky Barnes is sending in your direction.

 

The thing you also didn't know about Bucky Barnes was that, in fact, he kind of boycotted your ideal plan of having him sleeping in a bed, since he booked one room for you two, and there was one bed, one couch and one really broken-looking chair in the small bungalow, and he totally didn't plan on taking the bed to your disadvantage.

 

Stepping into the bedroom you can't fucking believe your eyes, and how fast Bucky has made the couch his own, throwing his small backpack on it the moment he arrived there while you were too taken aback by the single bed.

 

“I need to arrange some things, I'll be right back,” he explains it to your back, and by the time you actually understand what he's said and want to turn around and ask a few questions, he's already left, shutting the door behind himself.

 

You're left alone with your frustration and thoughts, and the small place seems too large and too empty with only you being in it. To occupy yourself, you step out of the bedroom into the living room, which is actually also the kitchen.

 

There's one couch in front of the window, under that there's a small, rather old television set facing the couch. On the opposite side there's the rather small and poorly equipped kitchen part with a tiny cupboard set, a stove and old fridge. The buzzing sound of electricity lets you know that it's powered on and working, but honestly you don't have the guts to walk up to it and open it. Who knows what would greet you there, maybe a frozen rat or something.

 

It might be your twitching uterus that makes you all bitchy, because to be honest, the place isn't as run-down as it could’ve been, and you only have to stay here for one night.

 

You let out a long sigh, realising that during this little tour around the bungalow you actually wasn't thinking about Bucky Barnes for, like… 5 minutes? That's progress.

 

Looking around the room, you spot his backpack on the couch and curiosity strikes you.

 

Did he just forget about it? (No way, though...)

 

Does he expect you to take it and escape, like earlier in the car? (Chances are high, because no matter what he says — or what he _does not_ — you know that he did that on purpose, and you bet he must’ve had another vehicle waiting for him if you had decided to steal his Range Rover and just leave.)

 

But there is a third option in your mind as well. Too surreal, too dreamy and naive, but the idea is there, and it sounds crazier than any other thoughts you’ve ever had.

 

Does he… Can it happen that he actually _trusts_ you now? (No, probably not… Because the world hasn’t just turned upside down, and you’re still part of HYDRA, as everyone else is concerned about you.)

 

You’re not a complete fool, it must be the second option; Bucky Barnes just wants to get rid of you but he doesn’t know the way, and you can’t really help him either, because to be fair, you don’t really want to leave him.

 

Because it doesn’t matter if it sounds insane, you like being with him, even if the guy is so unreadable, it gives you a headache...

 

Suddenly you feel quite dizzy and sleepy, so you give in, walk back to the bedroom, just to lay your head on the quite soft-looking pillows a little, before you fucking push Bucky Barnes on it, even if you have to develop some Captain America sized muscles to manage to take him there.

 

Sounds pretty impossible but you know you'll try it anyway…

 

The next time you open your eyes, it's actually pitch black inside the room and outside. You get up and head for the bathroom, still half asleep and yawning, and you practically can't see because you're rubbing your eyes so much.

 

What you can see after slowly opening the door cannot be described with words, though.

 

Bucky Barnes in all his naked glory, apparently has just stepped out of the shower cabin and is putting a towel around his waist.

 

You're so shocked (and yes, he looks so _gorgeous_ ) that you can't not stare, even if your soul ends up burning in hell.

 

You can’t help but check him out, with your mouth open and your jaw dropped on the floor as you start gawking at him from the top: your hands are itching eyeing his dark, wet locks on his head, the tip of the longer tresses brushing his nape and shoulders.

 

Talking about shoulders, you can't not swallow as your eyes suck in his features, freshly washed super soldier body standing in front of you like every woman's wet dream. He was either too lazy or he didn't dry himself thoroughly, because small droplets are sliding down on his shoulder blades, moist arm muscles shining in the generated light as he's fixing the towel around his waist.

 

Your eyes reaching his narrow waist, you literally forget to breathe, the small towel just too much for you, teasing what's underneath. Forgetting about yourself you let out a small moan which Bucky hears of course, given that he's a fucking _assassin_.

 

Noticing your presence, Bucky suddenly turns his head in your direction, his lips parted and his eyes shot wide open because of your unexpected visit. You cannot actually decide whether his pale cheeks are rather pinky because of the hot shower he’s just had or it’s becase he's actually _blushing_.

 

You'd say he's _cute_ (apart from being incredibly _sexy_ ), but then the towel gives in and not being able to defy gravity, it unavoidably falls on the ground, revealing his...

 

“WHY DIDN’T YOU LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR?!” You cover your eyes and shout at him, being extremely embarrassed that he caught you. But fairly, the main reason of your sudden embarrassment is what was hidden underneath that towel. For the sake of your own sanity (and ovaries), you're trying not to think about the dark hair and what else was below his navel.

 

(But let's say, it was either the super soldier serum, or Bucky Barnes was naturally _gifted_.)

 

You're trying to get out but you almost trip over, having your eyes closed, your vision blocked by your hands, and your mind completely shattered, you just can't find your way out, for the place is rather unknown and you don't know it that much.

 

“I thought you were sleeping…” His shaky, coarse voice travels through the air, hitting your eardrums and making you actually quiver.

 

“Well, I woke up, apparently, and wanted to use the bathroom…” You whine, eventually finding your way out, and shutting the bathroom door behind you with a noisy slap.

 

You rush back to the bedroom, leaning against the wooden door with your back. You try to catch your breath, heart pounding like crazy.

 

_Now that was… exceptional…_

 

Your boiling blood racing through your veins thickly, you're trying to swallow all saliva that just keeps being produced in your mouth. There's a picture of Bucky Barnes stuck in your head now, and you sure as hell won't be able to forget about it in the next few decades, even if someone actually brainwashes you…

 

Sitting on the edge of the bed a good ten minutes later you're still trying to calm yourself down (and stop the drooling), but it seems impossible, when there's a knock on the door.

 

“I brought food for dinner,” the familiar voice sounds up, sending small chills down your spine.

 

You're hungry as hell but you don't dare to face Bucky Barnes just yet. However, hearing his receding footsteps and your stomach growling convinces you, and you find yourself staggering toward the small living room.

 

When Bucky Barnes joins you finally, you've eaten one hamburger and you're munching on French fries sitting on the couch (for a reason, because you didn't forget about your plan) pretending to watch the small TV. He steps next to you, and you can't help but look up at him, although you wish you didn't, for he's not wearing anything from waist to up, and he's rather… four letter S taboo word, although why are you being this hypocritical when you called him sexy just like twenty seven minutes before, because yes, you’ve been counting the time ever since you laid your eyes on Little Bucky Barnes.

 

(To be honest, it's not little at all, but you're doing your best not to think about it or look at his crotch ever again.)

 

Bucky is not helping your cause at all, he's making you very much uncomfortable (and it can happen he's making you more turned on) as he's drying his hair with a white towel, rubbing his head and the wet brunette locks, and you almost choke on your food, so you put it down on the ground, leaving them for the giant ants running around.

 

“I see you found dinner…” Bucky begins, looking quite stunned as you stretch your limbs, then start lying down on the couch, reaching for the remote you start channel hopping. You did the stretching because you wanted to imply that you're tired and want to sleep, and you decided to keep your eyes on the TV because you needed to distract yourself from the sex-on-two-legs standing in the same room as you.

 

“Yeah, it was delicious.” You yawn, refusing to look at him as long as he's half naked. You can't not realise, though, how his metal arm is on the show again, and it does things to you, because it still is quite sex— _interesting_. Your safe word is that.

 

Bucky Barnes is ~~well packed~~   _interesting_ , nothing more, nothing less. You should remember that.

 

“You won't sleep here, will you?”

 

Upset and irritated Bucky Barnes with a low and quite angry ringing voice… Oh yes!

 

But again, you shouldn't really feel _aroused_ by this.

 

“Actually, I will. To be honest, I'm half asleep now, so would you leave me? I haven't watched TV for ages…” You decide it doesn't matter anymore, your soul can't be any more damned, so you look up at him again, trying to keep your eyes on his, and not licking his muscles mentally, but staring in the steel blues makes you a little light-headed, not to mention what hearing his deep, frustrated voice is doing to you...

 

“You take the bed, I take the couch.”

 

“You were driving all day, _you_ sleep in the bed.”

 

...however, you won’t lose this round, and the whole thing is getting real fun. Moreover, it's like you're about to have your first actual argument as equal parties and you’re feeling stronger than ever around him.

 

What makes your heart stop, though, is that Bucky Barnes’ lips certainly curl into a lopsided smile, as he's looking at you quite _playfully_.

 

“You think I can't lift you up and take you there?”

 

The mere thought of being in his arms even for a few seconds is too tempting, but you don't let yourself give in and be weak this time around.

 

“You could… but you won't,” your smile widens, making Bucky's one eyebrow reach his forehead. “Because I'll scream, then.”

 

He's eyeing you for a while, and you think he can't actually believe that someone outsmarts him probably for the first time in ages, then he lets out a long sigh and you know you've won.

 

“Let me sit down until I eat, then.”

 

You’ve pulled your legs up, almost lying in a fetal position as Bucky is sitting in the other side of the couch, looking at the television and eating his belated dinner.

 

His hair is half wet, half dry, and once again you're longing for running your fingers through the messy brunette locks that still seem so soft and silky, but again, combing his hair would also be amazing…

 

You're imagining braiding flowers in his hair, when your eyelids get heavy and you just fall asleep, totally unaware of how Bucky Barnes stands up then leans down to take you in his arms and to the bed.

 

(But even in your sleep you could smell his scent and it made you have some really nice dreams about him which were certainly more vivid as you'd seen the man naked for real.)

 

Bucky doesn't leave you, standing by your side for a moment after he has put you down and covered you with the blanket. His right arm is on his way to brush a few strands of hair out of your face but realising what he's about to do, he stops just in time, then he goes back and takes his place on the couch.

 

Waking up you know something's not right. And when stretching your limbs and turning to your other side you don't actually fall off the couch, you know what's up and what Bucky Barnes has done.

 

The sneaky asshole probably was waiting for you to fall asleep, so he could pull off his stupid gentleman act finally. It's both your hormones acting up and the sexual frustration coming from being in his arms when he was fucking shirtless but not fucking remembering it that you stand up instantly and storm out of the bedroom like a fucking furious dragon.

 

You open your mouth, ready to shout “ _James Buchanan Barnes!!!!_ ” as the angry girlfriend whose boyfriend is a jerk, but…

 

One: you're not Bucky Barnes’ girlfriend (sadly); and

 

Two: you're not supposed to know his name.

 

So instead of shouting, you slow down and stop, biting on your lip you count to ten before you do something stupid, and when you feel like you've calmed down enough, you tiptoe to him, seeing him as he's sleeping peacefully in his clothes.

 

The couch is so small, his feet are hanging in the air, his legs resting on the arm of the couch, and it'll be a miracle if he doesn't get any muscle pain from lying in such a terrible position…

 

The (not so) little shit deserves to be pushed to the ground because of tricking you, but:

 

A) you couldn't really move him,

B) you don't want to risk waking him up and making him snap your neck because thinking you a threat.

(And C) you don't actually want to hurt him but no one needs to know that…)

 

So you just stand next to him, looking down at him with a dreamy smile you don't even realise is on your face.

 

You're actually grateful now, because you can stare at him without any interruptions (unfortunately he's not half naked anymore ‘cause he took his shirt on), trying to study and memorise every small detail on his face. He's just so fucking beautiful, like an actual angel, but when your eyes get to his mouth, then you totally lose it, recalling your dream from last night…

 

You bite your own lips, lust filling you up inch by inch. Just looking at his mouth makes your own lips tingle with sensations… You've actually kissed Bucky Barnes many times in your dream, the vivid memories ghosting over you, making your skin tickle, but you sure as hell know deep in your core that kissing him for real would literally blow your mind.

 

For a second, you actually forget about yourself, stepping even closer to him, your head sinking like there was some magnet pulling you down, toward this man.

 

_What is he dreaming about? What if I kissed him?_

 

Maybe he wouldn't even notice. Or maybe, he would wake up in an instant, pinning you down on the floor again, almost choking you like the last time when you just wanted to tuck him in innocently.

 

However, you won't lay a finger on Bucky Barnes without his consent, the mere idea angers you and you're being fucking disgusting right now, so trying to ignore your wildly raging neediness, you take a step back, then another, then one more, until you bump into the small table behind you, your hipbone colliding with its sharp edge, and you trip over, knocking over a vase, and making the biggest noise ever.

 

Bucky wakes up abruptly, sitting up on the couch and grabbing his pistol that was under his pillow just in case in less than a second, looking at you fiercely he's targeting you, his fingers trembling on the trigger. Coming back to his senses, he realises that it's just you, and he puts the gun away, actually having his elbow on the top of the couch, he's leaning on it whilst running his fingers through his hair, not really believing that you fell on your own.

 

“You alright?” His voice so coarse and so raw, it sounds like he's pretty upset with you, and he's got plenty of reasons to be.

 

“Yeah,” you avoid his gaze as you try to stand up because you're a moron for waking him up.

 

“You should be more careful…”

 

“It's fine.”

 

“No, it isn't...” he interrupts you, raw rage wavering in his voice, and you can't help but look at him, only to see how furious he is. “I could've shot you. Or worse.”

 

“You didn't do anything I just bumped into the table…”

 

“Why?”

 

_Why? Because I was staring at you in your sleep and had filthy thoughts that apparently scared me, and I'm just an idiot and I always fall on my face…_

 

“Why what?”

 

What you didn't know that Bucky Barnes actually meant: “ _Why are you staying with me when I'm a fucking monster?_ ” but of course he didn't add the last part. He couldn't.

 

“You're telling me I didn't hurt you?” Switching topics more swiftly than his mood changes, he asks you firmly, his jaw clenching and steel blue cutting into you sharply.

 

“You didn't.”

 

“And you fell on your own…”

 

“I did.”

 

Now this is getting really ridiculous. You keep blushing, your hands trembling like jelly as you're standing, besides, you just feel so fucking guilty for waking him up in a way like that, and he seems to be in a rather bad mood.

 

Suddenly you realise that you forgot to shower last night, and you really feel dirty so it's time for you to finally claim the bathroom your own.

 

“I was going to the bathroom…” You point behind your back, a little hesitant, for you don't know if he wants to say something else or not. But Bucky Barnes just clams up, he doesn't even look at you, his head tilted to the side it's like he’s spaced out or he's thinking about something, so you turn around and disappear in the bathroom, locking the door carefully.

 

Walking there you felt the same waves of warmth on your back, little chills spreading along your spine as you felt like being watched, like in the kitchen yesterday, but you remember how your theory of Bucky Barnes staring at you got disproved, so you know now that it's probably just your mind playing games on you.

 

You showered quickly, but it didn't matter since you didn't have any other clothes you could change into, so freshening yourself up was to no avail since your clothes still felt dirty on you.

 

Standing right in front of the bathroom door, your anxiety returns, and you're hesitant to open to door. Because opening the door means you have to step out of the bathroom, and leaving the bathroom means you have to face Bucky Barnes sooner or later, but you just can't appear in front of him yet.

 

How he looked so upset and full of guilt is still haunting you, his gloomy image has burned into your brain, totally putting you off and you’ve forgotten about your filthy thoughts for good. He's either full of angst or just stern, with a strict expression on his face, nothing else, and it's just killing you…

 

Suddenly you remember how gorgeous he was when he smiled on the recording you'd seen of him the other day, and you realise you have a new purpose: making Bucky Barnes _laugh_.

 

You have no actual idea how you could achieve that though, it seems impossible and you just can't list jokes until you find one that does the trick and makes his lips curve upwards.

 

Still standing by the door with your hand on the doorknob, you're knitting your eyebrows and you pout a little, trying to brainstorm about how you could make the Winter Soldier smile, when there's a gentle knock on the door, and you get so startled that you just jump back, but you slip on the wet floor and, in seconds, you're on the ground and your butt is pretty much shattered.

 

A quite loud “Fuck!” escapes your mouth before you could stop yourself, and you wonder if Bucky has heard it or not.

 

But the knocking isn't reoccurring and there's just dead silence on the other side, so you stand up and go answer the door as fast as you can.

 

Still hesitant, you curse under your breath because you don't wish to trouble Bucky Barnes any more today, so you collect yourself and open the door, not wanting to keep him waiting any longer.

 

His sight is just something you could never possibly get used to, his handsomeness hitting you right across your face. You're happy to realise that he doesn't seem upset anymore (but he's still stern, his jaw clenched as always, unbelievably blue eyes shimmering at you), and the knot in your belly somewhat unties, wild excitement replacing it as you notice that he's basically standing on the threshold, only a few inches away from you.

 

“You wanna come in? You can, I'm ready…” Out of your embarrassment, you're rambling about as usual. So eager to leave and let him in, you take a step forward, but you didn't actually expect Bucky to stay in the same spot, so you practically crash into him, and you almost fall back because of the sudden impact.

 

“I'm sorry…” Your apology nothing but a whisper as you're staring into steel blue orbs. He's close to you, and he's tall, and he's huge, and he's fucking handsome, and his scent snakes around you like poison spreading through the air. “I thought you'd move away…”

 

Unable to hold his gaze you have to look away, licking your upper lip in the uncomfortable (and again: ridiculous) situation.

 

“Nevermind, I just… Can you… Like move?” Noticing his facial expression which you read as absolute disapproval (like he's the _assassin_ , he's the fucking boss and you, the freaking _hostage_ practically just ordered him to get out of your way) or just sheer annoyance, you add a shaky “Please?”, making Bucky furrow his eyebrows, the motion making a firm line appear on his tall forehead, but he doesn't say a word.

 

If you're really planning on making this man smile, you sure as hell won't manage to do that with your idiotic stammering. Bucky doesn't comment a thing, his features are all the same: emotionless, face strict and stern, and he's dead silent, but you sure as hell know what he may be thinking of you.

 

You're just an idiot, and you're giving him the hardest time in assassin history ever.

 

Suddenly you wish there was a book for hostages, but to be honest, you'd just need a little advice on how to behave around this specific brainwashed super soldier and lost puppy.

 

Maybe Bucky Barnes actually feels sorry for your inability to act like a normal human being, ‘cause he eventually steps away without a word, thus giving you all free space you needed for going past him. You're once again hesitant though, you wish to escape the awkward moment but you also want to stay next to him because you're just hooked on being in his presence.

 

You nod to yourself, finally having the courage to take the first step and bypass him, but as you move forward, your shoulder brushes against his upper arm, the small physical connection sending you to the edge.

 

His voice suddenly fills the air, rushing after you like a hoarse echo, attacking your eardrums and evoking small earthquakes that rampage through you.

 

“I wanted to tell you that we can continue the journey… If you're ready.”

 

Slightly turning around to look at you (you only see it because you're peeping from the corner of your eye, looking back at him above your shoulder), your heart stops because it's the exact same tingling feeling running down your spine and making you twinge, just back then when you thought he was watching you.

 

“O-okay. Fine by me. I'm gonna pick up my stuff.” You manage to mutter, then practically run to the bedroom, shutting the door behind you more harshly than you should've.

 

Enjoying your isolation you can finally try to breathe and think, your body all worked up as adrenaline (and yearning) heats up your blood flowing thickly through your veins, your mind in a haze, wild memories rushing back and forth as reality is mixing with your dreams, it’s almost like you can’t really tell what’s real and what isn’t.

 

All summed up and straight, there are two options: you either are delusional and crazy or Bucky Barnes occasionally leaves his magnificent eyes on you, and when he does it, your body just explodes.

 

Now you can't really decide which one is better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still shit with tags. Anyone wanna be my beta tagger? I should get a genius' brain on the black market for I always forget what I wanted to tag or say in the notes...
> 
> Okay, so about the chapter. Yes, I did the "fluffier" thing. Yes, it didn't actually end up fluffy. Yes, it's not finished, and Bucky and Reader will eventually get to the shopping part, but it'll probably take, like, ten more chapters since I'm enjoying writing these new filler chapters so much, especially adding more little moments with Bucky and Reader, so their relationship slowly develops and it's not like they just suddenly wanna bang each other. (But tbh that happened to me when I saw Bucky on the promotional pics for TWS. And wow, that was more than 2 years ago, like HOW AND WHEN SLIPPED THE TIME AWAY SO FAST?? :o)
> 
> Also this story is so dear to my heart that I just don't wanna end it (and I still dunno how I should end it) so I'll just keep writing silly fillers, like one full chapter about how Reader is staring at Bucky-boo, and how incredibly gorgeous he is. But again, that'd be all Twilight-like, as Bella is drooling over Edward, and I only steal ideas from friends :D
> 
> Reader having her period was actually Paula's (my beta reader) idea, and i'm really thankful for the suggestion. Tbh all I do is write my own version of the new chapter, then I show it to Paula, and I add everything she wants, so I guess I'm basically taking requests now... *picking up a megaphone* Anyone wants something I should add to the story???
> 
> Okay, I stop being an ass now. This isn't me, I feel weird. *covers her face and she's blushing*  
>  
> 
> But have to add one more thing: kudos to my guiding light, Paula, who makes my crappy writing less crappy with her insightful suggestions. Love you, Plum-mate! (Also, she's got a brand new Seb fanfic in her hands, so let's pester her to finally start uploading it, because it's epic.)
> 
> And I also wanna thank Wanda (haha, I'm sure you'll recognise yourself, Plum-Pie :P) for the inspiration for braiding Bucky's hair. (Tbh it wasn't purely inspiration, I just stole the idea cause I'm a plagiaristic bitch, if that word does exist tho...)
> 
> Tbh Idk what else to say, I'm honestly mind-blown by all the love I'm getting from you, and I'm so happy you like what I'm doing here, and it's actually the first story I didn't abandon (yet xD) and I'm kinda biased with it and proud of myself, lmao.
> 
> Okay, I quit being narcissistic (is that good? i can never spell that...) and just spread my arms to hug you all, my lil Plumz <3 I hope your day is Sebful and you have a great time. <3


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... I'm back with an update.
> 
> I'll explain things later (maybe in the end note here or for chapter 16), I just wanted to say that I had plenty of trouble with this 15th chapter. I wrote the biggest part of it last week (which is in chapter 16), but I couldn't write the beginning part (aka this chapter), and I was messing around a lot. And then the chapter got out of control, and it reached 10k words, and even tho Paula, my beta reader said that I should keep it as one, I felt the urge to split it, so I'm posting 15+16 at once, because it was supposed to be one chapter, but I felt like it was too long.
> 
> And because i never planned on writing 10k words long chapters, my goal was 1,5k but as I kept writing the filler chapters, they got longer, whereas I had every upcoming chapter pre-written like, months ago, and it's pretty awkward that those are around 1500 words each, and now I reached 10k with one chapter, and now I feel like I should add more things to the upcoming chapters because my writing style changed too and there's that gap between what I write now, and what I've written months ago. And it freaks me out. And I'm a bit tired of writing.
> 
> Anyway, I do love writing this story, and my heart hurts as we're approaching the end, but I just don't want anyone to expect me long-ass chapters, because I can't provide that all the time.
> 
> Anyway, I don't wanna ramble a lot, so i'll just shut up now, and let you read and judge :D I was really excited to post this chapter, but I also feel like it's just not as perfect as it could've been so idk. I didnt wanna sit on it any longer, so I decided to hit the publish button, so I can go and catch up on Supergirl finally. ^^ (I'm half a season behind on everything I used to watch, I just finished Agents of Shield today.)
> 
> So, take it and come and get me (but please be gentle).
> 
> *All mistakes are my own, but I'll probably notice and correct them later. Or if I don't, you can come at me, I won't bite, probably just cry a little.

* * *

The way from the motel to the next town passed surprisingly fast, even though you spent all of it in embarrassing silence. You couldn't look into Bucky's eyes, not without your boiling blood flushing your cheeks, being all flustered remembering which part of him you'd seen in its full glory the night before.

 

You were dying to know how the incident affected Bucky however, but he was being his usual non-talkative self. At times, it felt like he was just pretending like you were not even around, making you a little pissed.

 

It was okay if he didn't return your stupid feelings, but you walked in on him being naked, it must've done _something_ to him, because he still was a human being after all.

 

Or maybe he just didn't care.

 

You couldn't decide if it was true or you were just imagining things again, but his silence seemed a bit different this time, and whenever you dared to peep at him, you could swear his cheeks were painted rosy, but maybe it was just sunlight kissing them as you were heading East, the sun blinding you all the way.

 

After checking out of your room you went back to the car, you were tempted to just hide in the backseat, but you thought it would've been a little inappropriate, avoiding Bucky like he was infected with a horrible desease.

 

You actually hadn't thought about it before, but you were becoming more and more self-conscious, and when you tried to think of your actions as an observer, you realised that how you kept your distance from Bucky at times may have confused him, and he even could feel bad about it.

 

You didn't want to send him mixed signals — however, you doubted that he could receive any of your signals, and even if he did, you were the enemy for him. Maybe that was the reason behind his sudden urge to let you escape? He may have been feeling uncomfortable in your presence, especially if he didn’t fail to notice the heart-eyes you’d been giving him lately?

 

It didn't matter if you were smart, you just didn't know what to do, how to act, and how to get friendlier with him. It's said the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, but you just couldn't step in front of him, saying _“Hi, I'm not the enemy here, let me hug you and just be friends from now on… Or maybe more.”_

 

And it was crazier that you ever wanted to be friendlier with an assassin, even if said assassin was brainwashed and forced to work as an assassin.

 

Besides, even if you admitted to yourself that you had feelings for Bucky Barnes and you wanted to get closer to him, there were countless things standing in the way. For example, you couldn't just act all different without giving yourself away, for your behaviour would've been just too odd for the situation.

 

Because Bucky Barnes would either think you really had Stockholm syndrome and it would wreck him up most certainly, knowing what he had been through (you didn't think he'd like the idea that you fell for the man who kept you imprisoned) or he'd find out that you know everything about him, and that was the reason why you were suddenly less eager to cause him any more trouble.

 

The latter sounded a bit better, but you suspected Bucky would go all defensive, unapproachable and standoffish then, and most certainly he wouldn’t like the idea of someone digging in his past.

 

It was just a really messed up situation, and you felt so helpless and so trapped that it was really driving you crazy.

 

However, there were times you could just act naturally around the man, and you even got along then, but it only lasted for, like, one nanosecond, or rarely two, and to be fair, it was more odd because it felt like you were just two people hanging out, and you didn't know what to make of it. Even if you weren't angry with him anymore at all for kidnapping you, you were aware that you couldn't just change your behaviour around him, without you seeming like you had Stockholm syndrome for real.

 

First, you were afraid that was just the case, adding how sorry you felt for Bucky Barnes knowing what had happened to him throughout his life, you guessed it was just pity you felt for him. But it didn't matter how awkward it was for you to be around him, each day you wanted more…

 

More time spent together, more talks, more opening up, more closeness.

 

Yet you knew it was impossible, and it had been killing you slowly, the frustration coming from your selfish desires and how the whole thing was doomed from the start. Seeing Bucky naked felt like a direct punch from the gods, ridiculing you and making you more miserable, and you just didn't know how to move on from that.

 

A part of you wished you had escaped, then you could've just forgotten about the whole thing maybe.

 

And another part of you knew that was the real impossible thing.

  


“We're almost there,” Bucky's hoarse voice sounds up, making you snap out of your thoughts. You forget about your misery and just look at him, wearing the sunglasses he bought you yesterday makes you feel a little safer; it's like a shield, masking your emotions and you're just relieved he doesn't get to see through you. “Got your shopping list?”

 

He doesn't look at you, apparently too busy parking the car, and you're really astonished how fast you got here, but your wonder just grows as you see Bucky letting go of the steering wheel. With his hands free, he takes off a black hair elastic from his right hand (you're shocked how you failed to notice it and how incredibly _hot_ the simple thing looked on his wrist until he removed it) and he just grabs his hair, twisting the long brunette locks into a messy manbun, and you have to force yourself to suppress a moan.

 

A few minutes has passed since Bucky's question, with his glorious hair done, he looks at you, steel blue eyes shining at you from behind the dark lenses saturated with daylight, and once again, you feel the same yearning, the same longing that's been killing you for some time.

 

You don't know what to say, so you just nod after a big swallow, humming in agreement, totally aware of what a giant asshole you are being again, but you can't help that you just tend to malfunction around Bucky Barnes. It feels like it has just become your hobby.

  


The shopping was a bit better than the journey there. It felt like you'd been just a regular couple at times, and whenever you caught people staring at you, you wondered what they could be thinking of you.

 

What surprised you the most was, when you stepped in the large and crowded supermarket, you didn't react like last time, having a panic attack from the too many people and too much input. Maybe the key to your sanity was Bucky holding your hand, just like you did when he first took you out.

 

Actually, you didn't even realise when or how, you were walking from the parking lot to the entrance of the supermarket when you noticed that there was something weird with your hand, and when you looked down, you saw how his warm flesh hand held yours, the touch of his silky skin sending chills down your spine and hot flushes were destroying your quivering body.

 

Then you got two shopping trolleys, one for each of you (because it was a big shopping spree after all), and suddenly his hand was gone, and you were left empty, wandering around the aisles a bit sad. Later you started to spot things around you, and actually, you kind of started to feel hooked, the foolish pleasure coming from buying new things, and even if you still were shy and didn't want to spend Bucky's money, you ended up filling your trolley with stuff, but only things that were essential.

 

(Bucky actually said that you could just get anything you needed and money wasn't a problem, but you felt like some sort of sugar baby being spoiled by her sugar daddy, and it made you feel awful.)

 

(Especially, because he wasn't your sugar daddy for real.)

 

Wandering around the place, you arrived at the fruits and vegetables section, and seeing bananas you remembered how much benefit they had, so you grabbed a handful of them, as well as other fruits, thinking how you wanted to feed Bucky Barnes with every nutritious shit.

  
  


You don't know how much time has passed, when turning into another aisle, you actually bump into someone, your trolley colliding with another, making you say “I'm sorry” but when you actually lay your eyes on the person, your jaw just drops.

 

It's Bucky, apparently having finished his own shopping because his trolley was also full.

 

 _Gods are laughing right now, I'm sure_ , you can't help but show a sarcastic smile. You two still wearing sunglasses, it's impossible to read each other's minds, your eyes sheltered, but you are dying to know what Bucky is thinking right now, his lips slightly parted it seems like he may be surprised by what just happened.

 

You can't see his eyes for real but you swear you can feel them on you, small, chilly sensations running along on your cheeks as he’s studying you.

 

Bucky clears his throat, then opens his mouth: “I'd say, we can go and pay if you're done.” His raw voice makes you shiver, so you just nod, following him to the cash registers.

  


As you're lining in the queue, your anxiety sets in watching people around in silence. Other couples act more intimate in public, yet here you are with Bucky Barnes, both of you all clammed up, no communication, just standing next to each other wearing your sunglasses indoors, like you were a famous couple on a road trip from Hollywood.

 

Your breathing starts to speed up, you're panting as you're feeling like everyone knows who you are for real, and you just have the urge for running out of here, suddenly not caring about Bucky anymore. Then the customer before you finishes and leaves, it's your turn to pay, and you're suddenly hit with reality: Bucky has actually put almost everything up on the conveyor belt, you didn't even notice, and the cashier is already scanning your stuff.

 

You’re watching Bucky all astonished by how careful he is, always helping the cashier with the heavier stuff, like a whole carton of sugar or milk, and once again, you're greatly impressed at how thoughtful he is.

 

Whoever dared to say Bucky Barnes was just a heartless killing machine, you'd knock out their teeth with a hammer in a second.

 

You should be emptying your trolley and move its content onto the conveyor belt too, but you're too busy gawking at Bucky, especially eyeing his arms as he's lifting the heaviest things with no actual effort. It's rather sex— _impressive_ how his enhanced super soldier arms are doing the magic, but then it suddenly hits you: it might be too suspicious.

 

“Umm, hey,” you swallow and clear your throat after stepping next to Bucky. You get his attention, so you lean closer to him, whispering so no one else would catch your words. “You're lifting all that weight too easily, you should at least pretend it's heavy.”

 

 _Besides, that fucking leather jacket will be ripped to pieces soon if you keep flexing your arms like that_ …

 

“You know, sometimes I can't decide if you wanna help me or you're just mocking me,” he then steps away, continuing to pack his stuff back to the trolley.

 

You're feeling a bit down, thinking that you may have managed to hurt Bucky Barnes’ feelings once again, but when you turn around to put your things on the conveyor belt too, an unexpected noise comes from the background, and you almost faint.

 

You turn around, looking at Bucky Barnes all dumbfounded as he seems to have taken your advice and he's, in fact, _moaning_ and _groaning_ a little whenever he lifts something, but it just sounds like the filthiest sound effects from a freaking porn video, and once again, he's turning you on.

 

 _To hell with this man_ , you're trying to ignore the erotic noises he's making, but they even get the cashier’s attention. You can see how she's looking at Bucky at times, grinning to herself, and suddenly you want to punch Bucky Barnes for wooing every female (or you suppose he has the same effect on males too) around him with no actual effort.

  


You occupied yourself by packing the smaller stuff to bags, so at least you were doing something and you could forget about your arousal for a whole minute. The image of Bucky Barnes’ naked body kept haunting you, so you had to grab cold water from the little fridge at the end of the cash register, and you almost drank the whole bottle in one go.

 

Paying and packing took at least 10 minutes, and you felt more relieved once you stepped out of the supermarket and you smelled fresh air.

 

Walking back to the car none of you said anything, and once again, Bucky did most of the work, packing the things you purchased into the boot of the car.

 

You couldn't fail to notice that, when he was lifting the heavier things again, he didn't make a sound. You guessed it was because he didn't feel like he needed to act like a normal guy in your presence which made you feel both happy (because you were his annoying sidekick in your own mind) and disappointed (because you wanted to hear his porn star moans again).

  


Finishing with all the packing, Bucky is about to grab both trolleys and bring them back to where they're held, when you step in front of him, blocking his way.

 

“I'm gonna handle those.”

 

“Just get in the car, I got this.” He replies firmly, ready to bypass you. Unluckily for Bucky Barnes, you can be stubborn too.

 

“You did most of the packing, let me help with that shit.”

 

He's eyeing you for a while, there's the familiar itch on your cheeks as he's watching you from behind the dark lenses covering his steel blue eyes. You can hear him letting out a long sigh, then he lets go of one trolley, suggesting that you can have that.

 

You feel like someone who's just won gold at the Olympics, which is ridiculous actually because you haven't done anything, but you have to take all small opportunities in helping Bucky Barnes, since you're no super human after all, and those little things are all that you can do.

  


Arriving back to the car you hop on the passenger seat, a little too embarrassed to sit next to Bucky for he tends to give you heart palpitations ever since you saw him naked.

 

But he ended up throwing some bags in the backseat so you couldn't sit there even if you wanted to. You're looking out of the windows, curious about the place where you're currently at, when Bucky's low voice draws your attention.

 

“There's a mall not so far away from here.”

 

He's apparently looking at the GPS, his flesh fingers on the screen you kind of forget about yourself and stare at his hand for too long, but his skin seems so velvety and his fingers are so beautiful and long that you—

 

“Care to visit it?”

 

You catch yourself not just having impure thoughts (it's like your body is suddenly on fire, and the man's dirty moans echoing in your head just fuels it even more) but biting your lip as well. Thank god, you're still wearing the sunglasses but that can't hide the rosiness of your burning cheeks.

 

“Yeah,” your throat suddenly too dry you wish you had another bottle of water in your hand, your voice so raw that you have to clear your throat which is quite hurtful. “Whatever.”

 

You put your legs up on the dashboard, acting like a real asshole once again, but you can't help that you can't behave around Bucky Barnes at all. Your frustration growing, you're really taken aback when, instead of just starting the car, Bucky Barnes decides to pester you.

 

“Take your feet off.” Even if his voice is low, it's clearly an _order_ and not just him asking you nicely. You look at him, suddenly too hot-headed, he can't see your eyes but you're challenging him, raising your eyebrows. “If I have to be careful how I behave then so should you,” he explains, making you even more pissed.

 

“Yes, because people having their feet on the dashboard in a car is so fucking suspicious and odd,” you retort, making Bucky blink at you once behind the lenses, he's visibly surprised by your behaviour and it's like he doesn't know what to do with you now.

 

Then he turns away, starting the engine he just shrugs.

 

“If you wanna catch a bored cop’s attention, then go ahead.”

 

You've gotten quite speechless after hearing his say, frustration still tearing your yearning body, you're fuming in silence, actually removing your feet and doing your seatbelt.

 

Bucky Barnes was on the right track getting on your nerves today, and it wasn't even 12PM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I feel like I should make an announcement or something, given the fact that I didn't post last Sunday as I planned to. Well, I'm on vacation, and I wanted to write, like A LOT, but as I've always been a very moody soul, my muse and writing are a bitch, and I'm not doing well with writing recently. I mean, you maybe know that feeling when you finally have plenty of time for something, but then you don't feel like doing it, or you actually wanna do it, but you just cannot do it?
> 
> Idk, but honestly writing this chapter took me like 4 days, when I used to write a chapter in a day. And it bothers me a lot, and I think I'm a little tired of writing now and maybe I need a little break, so just don't be surprised if I don't post a new chapter every week.
> 
>  
> 
> I forgot what I wanted to say as usual, and tbh splitting the chapter feels weird, and i dont even remember what happens where, lmao.
> 
> But, a little rambling about the events of this chapter:
> 
> I wanted Bucky to be a thoughtful and kind little bunny and help the cashier with the heavy stuff, because I'm a cashier too, and there are a lot of a-holes thinking that building actual towers of heavy stuff on the conveyor belt is funny. Sadly I dont have a metal arm (luckily for rude customers cause I'd punch them for sure) and it's pretty exhausting to move all that shit, even if us cashiers aren't supposed to actually lift anything up, only move them around carefully, and I'm just sure that Bucky Barnes wouldn't be one of the typical rude customers, so I wrote him as the sweetheart he is for real.
> 
> (And I featured a fangirly description of Bucky's arms, because Wanda is a whore for Seb's arms, and her enthusiasm makes me (grin) write nice shit about the matter which I'm sure I couln't do if I didn't know her, and tbh who else doesn't love Bucky's and Seb's arms?? On other account: mentioning those lil moans is the courtesy of the whore Sebastian Stan, who happens to groan like a fucking porn star whenever he's training. Also: god bless Don Saladino for his gem videos.)
> 
> I think that's all for now, more fun coming in the next chapter, and I'm sorry I missed out a week, but I'm a little tired and I'm trying to enjoy my vacation and I'm sorry but I don't wanna write all day. I used to spend all my free time writing something until now, and I'm just tired of it, even if I like writing. Also my writing mood just likes to die out whenever I have too much free time, and my muse likes to hit me when I dont have time for writing at all, so writing is a bitch as I said, and I'm a little grumpy now.
> 
>  
> 
> But I love you all, my precious lil Plumz, and I'm so fucking grateful that you're sticking with the story! xx


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the second half of chapter 15 named as chapter 16. As I maybe said earlier, I wrote the whole fic in 2 weeks before a I started posting it. I wanted to have some chapters ready so that I wouldn't have to stress about writing the new chapters for a deadline, but I ended up writing down most of the story quite fast. (Never did that before so I like to pat myself whenever I think about it. *pats herself* (Wow, such a boastful bitch I am)
> 
> First, it was like, 14 chapters long in whole, but as we were approaching the drama part (it was supposed to be 11, I guess, but I'm not sure about anything anymore, cause I changed things up a lot), I didnt want that yet cause I didnt want to reach the end of the story so soon, so I kept writing all those filler chapters, and added them in between, totally boycotting my already existing chapter count, and now Targeted is 24 chapters long currently, but that's probably gonna change, depending on the extra stuff I may add later.
> 
> I don't even know why I rambled about this, I should've just posted the new chapter with no bullshit before it, but I can't help I can talk a lot, especially if I'm anon and online, lmao.
> 
> Anyway, i'm really excited to post this after days of struggle, and I'm really curious (terrified) about your reaction.
> 
> *All mistakes are my own (or my beta reader's, hehe) but I'll probably notice and correct them later. If not, you can come and get me, but please be gentle. (I won't yell back most certainly, just cry like a lot.)

* * *

The mall was huge, with many shops that ought to have attracted customers and with countless people hanging around. You were glad for the distraction, neatly organised shop windows catching your attention you soon forgot about Bucky Barnes.

 

At least for a brief time.

 

You had decided you'd explore the place on your own. You didn't know what Bucky wanted but he soon disappeared, you actually didn't even notice because you were too busy staring at the prettiest jewellery.

 

“I’ll find you,” he said, and you didn’t question his abilities, not even for a second, so you were trying to relax and let out the steam by wandering around and looking at pretty things.

 

Bucky had given you quite some money you didn't wish to spend first, and you were watching pricey necklaces, bracelets and rings only because you liked to you just take in the view and explore things in shops without actually buying anything.

 

But when you spotted a red star pendant in a cheap bijou shop, once again you were reminded of Bucky Barnes, and you just had to buy it for yourself, even if it was silly and foolish.

 

Your heart racing after you left the store, you actually bump into Bucky, it's the second time today, and it makes you all flustered.

 

Suddenly you feel like buying that necklace was the stupidest idea ever, the jewellery seems too heavy in your pocket, and you feel like you're going to catch on fire in seconds.

 

“The crowd again?” Bucky inquires, sounding a bit tactless asking about the matter too staightforward, but you're too embarrassed to get angry with him, so you just shake your head.

 

“I'm fine, I just… I feel sorry spending all this money,” you share a part of the truth with him, making Bucky quite astonished, but you're apparently more shocked as you can see his lips form a small grin.

 

“You didn't even buy anything.”

 

That's actually not true ‘cause you gave in the temptation and bought a smaller bag for yourself back in the supermarket so you could carry some food and water in it.

 

Bucky clams up after his comment. Daring to take a look at him, you notice that he's wearing a black cap that has a white star on it, and the coincidence takes your breath away. You try not to get too carried away with it, so you shake it all off, attempting to be all laid back again, but it's not really working when even in a crowded, smelly place, it's Bucky Barnes’ fine scent that finds its way to your nostrils.

 

If you weren't enchanted by how freaking _cute_ he looked, you may have noticed that Bucky Barnes was indeed feeling guilty, for he thought that his mocking comment about the cops made you feel bad about spending the money he actually stole from his handlers.

 

“It's okay,” he says after a while, making you blink behind the sunglasses you both are still wearing. “You shouldn't have to worry about that money, I mean.”

 

Well, it's not like HYDRA has put a tracking device in them, right? But Bucky Barnes has suddenly become concerned about the methods he's been using all this time.

 

If this was a dream, you'd actually think that Bucky Barnes was, in fact, trying to _comfort_ you. The wildest thoughts racing in your head you actually pinched the skin on your hand, and the pain seemed quite real, so you really are confused now, because it still seems like a dream, and that Bucky is indeed trying to comfort you.

 

Wild butterflies start a rampage in your stomach, you feel too  awkward so you try to change the topic, even if you have no actual idea what to say.

 

“Umm… You bought a cap?” Your curiosity wins after all, making Bucky frown.

 

“Yeah,” he clears his throat, but it has no use since his voice is always so raspy. “I just wanted something to cover my head.”

 

“Where did you find it?”

 

Your sudden interest surprises Bucky Barnes quite much, he keeps putting his weight from one foot to another, not really knowing how to handle you anymore. You are like an unsolvable puzzle to him, much like an unpredictable thunderstorm he doesn't really know how to sail through.

 

“In a men's clothing store, not so far from here.”

 

“Can we go back?” He's more confused than ever, so you add “I think I want one too, it's _cute_.” Realising what you actually said out loud, you blush, hitting your head mentally why you're so dumb.

 

But actually, you said that the cap was cute, you didn't talk about Bucky Barnes directly, right? You reckon he doesn't even take such things on himself, since you saw his delicious bare butt too, and he didn't even comment on it.

 

“Right” is all he says, and you're walking through the mall as if you were just taking your time shopping, not rushing at all.

 

You couldn't tell how or when, but suddenly your left hand feels warm, you have no idea why, and when you peep at it, looking down all intrigued, you almost shriek seeing that Bucky is holding your hand. Or maybe you are holding his? You're not sure, you don't even know if he took your hand or you took his, the single gesture blowing your mind and once again, and you like it much more than you should.

 

 _He just wants to keep me in check, don't overthink this, girl_ , you're trying to calm down, but it's pretty hard when all your senses are over-amplified, and you're practically head over heels for the man.

 

Because that's the real case, and you have to admit it to yourself sooner or later.

 

Bucky's hand slips out of yours as he stops and nods at the store he mentioned earlier. You try to ignore how disappointed you're feeling not holding his hand any longer, and your mood for buying the same cap is suddenly gone. It was childish anyway, just like buying that necklace.

 

“I can show you where it is,” he walks in the store as if he was in a hurry. You’re trying to keep up with his pace, and you wonder why the sudden haste.

 

“Are you in a hurry?” Your question making him puzzled, he mouthes a fast “No”, making you grin slyly.

 

“You said you wanted to buy this thing, I just wanted to show you where it is,” he mumbles then, making you grin more.

 

“Well, shopping is no fun without looking around,” you retort. Passing by some shirts you grab two and throw them at him. “Why don't you try them on?”

 

Bucky catches the shirts of course, you still can't see his eyes but you bet he must be a bit irritated by your sudden playful attitude.

 

“I don't mean to buy new clothes,” he shakes his head a little, pressing his lips together in a firm line.

 

You're shocked to see how he throws the shirts back at you, you're so astonished that you almost drop them.

 

Looks like Bucky Barnes can be playful too.

 

“Well, none of us planned coming to a mall, but here we are,” you smile, grabbing one more shirt and throwing all three back at him. “Come on, just try them on. A little colour cannot hurt,” you pick up a light blue and a red shirt too on the way to the fitting rooms. Bucky Barnes is forced to follow you with a pile of shirts in his hands, whether he likes it or not.

 

“You look like an edgy rockstar in all black,” you intended to make a silly joke, but it came out wrong. “I mean, that's not a bad thing, it's just…”

 

Getting more and more embarrassed, you try to think that your biggest talent lies in getting yourself into awkward situations and making Bucky Barnes uncomfortable. Bucky's watching you with a poker face, you can feel your blood flushing your cheeks.

 

“Anyway, you've got some shirts to try on,” you mutter, then you actually get behind Bucky and practically push him into the fitting room, pulling the curtain on him in a second.

 

You're actually relieved to have a few minutes to calm down. So amazed by what's just happened, you can't even understand how you got here at all, it was like everything's got out of control.

 

Too deep in your thoughts, you cannot believe that you just pushed Bucky Barnes into a fitting room and actually forced him to do something he didn't want. As realisation hits you, it pretty much is the worst thing you could do; the poor guy was under mind control for seventy fucking years and you just had to be pushy with him.

 

_Nice job, once again._

 

You're feeling like the worst human being ever, not really knowing what to do with yourself or with Bucky Barnes, when you can hear some noise coming from where he is behind the navy blue curtain, and it sounds like small _moans_ , reminiscent of the ones he made in the supermarket.

 

His little grunts are sending shivers down your spine, you're drawn to him, and when getting closer you can hear him groan “Dammit”, you can't imagine what could possibly have gone wrong that made him so annoyed and resulted in him making porn star sounds again.

 

“Is everything okay over there?” You ask him, more and more curious, and too excited to know that he must be shirtless just a few centimetres away.

 

No answer comes from Bucky Barnes first, the tension too unbearable. You can hear him letting out a long sigh, then his voice sounds up.

 

“I can't take off this thing, it's too tight.”

 

_Holy. Potatoes._

 

Remember when you felt quite guilty a couple of seconds ago? Well, that is long gone, and you're certain that forcing Bucky Barnes to try on some shirts was the best thing you could do today.

 

His words _“too tight_ ” are sending you over the edge, countless images flashing your mind, you can't help but bite your lip.

 

“Umm, do you need help?”

 

_Say yes, say fucking yes._

 

“I could take it off easily if I just ripped it…”

 

“No tearing,” you speak up. “I'll go in and help, okay?”

 

And you're there, not waiting for his permission at all. You can't help but stare, the shirt is really too tight, practically on the verge of tearing on his broad shoulders. Bucky seems stuck in it, his naked lower belly distracting you quite much. Images of last night are coming back to your mind, thick lust hanging around you as you're trying not to stare and look under his navel.

 

“Don't laugh at me,” his raw voice sounds rather defeated. You look up at him, and you realise that he took off the sunglasses and the cap, his steel blue eyes on you, you can realise his annoyance, and his cheeks are a bit rosy.

 

“I'm not laughing,” your voice all raspy you have to clear your throat. Once you're out of here, you're gonna drink a gallon water at least.

 

“You kinda are smiling.”

 

Actually, it's cool if he perceives you that way, because you're fucking _turned on_ right now, and you're relieved he doesn't notice it.

 

“Well, I'm sorry, it's kinda _funny_.”

 

“You got me into this,” he's shaking his head, his greasy hair falling in front of his face. He just looks so _gorgeous_ , it's like a slap in the face. “You said you would help.”

 

“Umm, I’m waiting for you to tell me what to do.”

 

“Oh, since when do you need to wait for what I have to say? You're pretty much reckless all the time, that's what got me in here in the first place.”

 

“I'd say you're angry with me.” You have to bit your lip to hold back a laugh. Peeping at the mirror you realise that you’re, in fact, grinning like a moron, so you’re trying to behave.

 

“I am pissed because _this_ is ridiculous.”

 

You'd argue that he's fucking _hot_ like this, but you swallow instead, trying to gather your courage to walk up to him without tripping (or without just jumping on him and kiss him all over his body).

 

“Okay, just…”

 

Your blood getting hotter and thicker with each step you take, it's just too boiling in here, the room too small. You don't dare to touch Bucky, your hands too sweaty, but you have to put your hands on him in order to try to pull the shirt over his head.

 

“Put your hands up…” You can feel his skin twitch under your touch. He feels like pure silk, and you have to remind yourself that you're not here to touch him _that way_ , but you're going to enjoy and use the opportunity even if you end up burning in hell and have remorse in the end.

 

“Could you just… You're too tall, I can't reach you.”

 

Your chest brushes against his, sending off a wild explosion in you, then he bends his knees a little, squatting so you don't have to stand on your toes. It's the sweetest struggle ever, but you manage to take the shirt off him without actually tearing it, and you're pretty much proud of yourself.

 

Stepping back you look at Bucky, his hair all messy, the hair elastic is about to fall off when he just grabs it and puts it on his right wrist. You're just standing there with your draw dropped and feeling extremely _aroused_ as he's there all topless, looking at you with his lips parted, his cheeks burning red.

 

You know you should leave but you can't move, steel blue eyes mesmerising you so much, then Bucky turns a bit to take his own shirt on, and you breathe in, your head spiralling a little because you've been holding your breath for some time and you didn't even realise.

 

“I'm gonna… Wait for you… Outside...” You stutter, leaving so eagerly, but then you're faced with a pretty furious shop assistant and a widely grinning security guard.

 

 _Holy crap_.

 

Bucky follows you soon, stepping out of the fitting room he bumps into you for you couldn't move and just stood there in your shame.

 

“I need to ask you to leave.” The woman says in a cold tone. “No sex in fitting rooms.”

 

“But we didn't—” You begin, but Bucky just comes forth, stepping next to you he grabs your hand, going for the exit abruptly.

 

You're happy to have your sunglasses on because it's the worst moment of your life, and you keep staring at your feet while walking out, too shy to look at all the people judging you.

 

Bucky's basically dragging you through the mall, you feel like you should say something, but you're too ashamed, then he just stops. Letting go of your hand you reach for your bag in an instant, having the need for drinking water.

 

You end up grabbing the bananas instead, wanting to distract Bucky you just start rambling.

 

“Uhh… Wanna eat something?”

 

He's eyeing you in silence, his glorious hair catching your attention. You’re gawking at him again, you should at least try to act like a decent human being after the trouble you put yourself into, but it's like you just can’t function around Bucky Barnes and you ought to stare at him with your mouth all agape.

 

“Yeah, we can eat something I guess.”

 

That's cool. Now he's looking around to find a place where you could have a belated lunch, and he's not thinking about you being a fucking miserable idiot for once.

 

“I have food with me,” and you just offer him a banana, which results in Bucky Barnes staring at you all shocked.

 

“What's this?” He asks after a time, too confused about what the hell you're doing again, offering him food when he’s a bloody assassin and he kidnapped you, but the awkward person you are, you just misunderstand his question completely.

 

“Bananas. They're the happy fruit.” You blurt it out without thinking, your mind having died minutes ago, you're just rambling about all brainless.

 

“You're sad?” He’s watching you attentively and you’re shaking under his intense stare, steel blue eyes gazing into the depths of your damned soul.

 

Now you're fucked again. Just what on earth could you possibly say to that without mentioning the true reason behind you choosing to buy bananas.

 

_No. I'm not sad but you pretty much look miserable so I thought they might cheer you up. Chemistry, you know?_

 

“Uhh… No, just—” Looking behind him you suddenly freeze, your eyes popping wide open. Bucky notices it, and he looks in the same direction, turning his head he peeps above his shoulder.

 

“Is that—?”

 

“Steve…” He mumbles in a low voice. The name he pronounced is hardly audible, more like a distant rumble, and your heart drops. Can it happen he got his memories back?

 

Looking at Steve Rogers your heart rate doubles as panic sets in. Quite some time ago you would have been happy if this had happened, you would have just started shouting to draw the Avenger’s attention so you could be free from the Winter Soldier.

 

But now? You cannot get caught, that would mean you'd end up being in prison and you would never see Bucky Barnes again, because even if he ended up in jail too for the crimes he was forced to commit, gods aren't that gracious to have him placed in a cell next to you.

 

Who knows, he may even be sentenced to death.

 

You act on impulse, grabbing Bucky's head fiercely and pulling him closer, just in time so Steve Rogers and the other guy who he is with wouldn't see Bucky's face because you made him turn his head and look at you, much like you're just a couple that has a little intimate moment in a public place.

 

Your heart pounding loudly in your ears, you think you'll eventually faint having Bucky so close to you. It wasn’t much ago when you two were in a quite intimate situation in the shop, and you can’t forget about the time when you saw him all clotheless, the uncontrollable longing flushing over you again having him mere inches away one more time. His warm breath ghosting over your lips as his face is a fingerbreadth away since you're standing on your toes and he leans down, your left hand on the side of his neck, your index finger and thumb brushing against his jawline while your right hand is on his shoulder, your eyes on each other. His lips are parted, you notice how he's breathing heavily but not as frantically as you, your chest grazing his with each breath you take.

 

He's never been this close to you and you can see every small detail on his face. His eyebrows and eyelashes, his tiny nose that looks so cute that you're longing for showering it with small kisses, but you could never do that for real and that's killing you.

 

Your heart aching, you gasp when Bucky breaks the eye contact, peeking from the corner of his eye as Steve Rogers and his company disapper in the crowd.

 

You're still panting minutes later when nobody comes to get you. Bucky draws the black cap and the sunglasses from his pockets and he takes them on, then he adds: “We need to go”, actually taking your hand and pulling you gently in the opposite direction, but you're just so upset you don't even notice the gesture and how strongly you're squeezing his right hand as you walk next to him.

 

It's like you never actually get back to the car, and when you do, Bucky basically rips the door open on the driver’s side, not opening the door for you first this time. You hop on the passenger seat hurriedly, a little afraid that he'd leave you behind because as soon as he's in the car, he starts the engine.

 

“Did they notice us?” You gasp, your whole body shaking. Bucky's driving so fast that you have to hold on to the handle under the door grip because he doesn't slow down taking the turns at all.

 

“I don't know.”

 

“Are they following us?”

 

“About to find out.” He grits his teeth, looking at you fiercely. You think you must just annoy him in such a dangerous and stressful situation — you can't even imagine what he must be feeling right now, having just seen the person who used to be his best friend.

 

Fear is blooming in your belly, spreading its seeds through you by the minute, and your heart stops when Bucky suddenly slows down, the tires screeching as he has to come to a halt in an intersection because of catching red light.

 

Trying to catch your breath you almost shriek when he suddenly turns toward you.

 

“Your seatbelt…”

 

By the time you pronounce an idiotic “Oh”, he's already leaned over, pulling your seatbelt over your chest and doing the buckle. You haven't even recovered from the time when he was in a kiss’ distance from you, now he's close again, his scent dancing around you, and when his hand brushes against your thigh accidentally, it's like his unintended touch starts a wild fire in you, and you almost scream out loud, but because of the sexual frustration this time around.

 

Then, just when the traffic lights change to green, he's back on his seat again, his eyes on the road as he's driving intensely. You'd like to say something, make the frown disappear from his forehead and soothe his stress somehow, but you feel pretty useless, and to be honest, you doubt you could even pronounce a word, so you stay still, but you just can't get your eyes off of him.

 

You realise you're staring at him again, so you force yourself to turn your head and look at the road in front of you. It's like your senses are overloaded, too much happened at once, all this stress and your intense feelings for Bucky are consuming your mental and physical energy, even draining you.

 

Trying to occupy your mind, you're staring at the surroundings, then you notice the speed limit sign and you realise that Bucky's driving too fast.

 

“You should slow down…” You can hardly say the words, you feel like choking, the tension too much for you. “Gonna draw unwanted attention.”

 

He doesn't respond, he doesn't even look at you, his stern face looking ahead, but you can feel how your speed drops, and he's careful now not to exceed the limit even after you've left the town.

 

Spotting the town name plate, you're battling with your anxiety, knowing where you are but not knowing where it is exactly.

 

_Damn, I never payed attention on geography lessons…_

 

Bucky's still upset, his jaw clenched, you realise how strongly he's holding onto the steering wheel, his flesh fingers all white from the strong grip, so you try to distract him and ease up the situation…

 

“Why don't you blindfold me now?”

 

…even if you're rambling about nonsense and shit again.

 

To your biggest surprise, Bucky's lips form a lopsided grin, he snaps “That almost sounds like you actually enjoy being blindfolded.” He peeps at you for a short second, his eyes shimmering as the sunglasses slipped off his nose a little, but it still sends chills down your spine.

 

“Well, I'm just… I'm just curious that's all.”

 

“I had different plans… I didn't prepare for that.”

 

If by _different plans_ he means that he expected you to escape (correction: he fucking _wanted_ you to go away), then you're totally losing your shit right here.

 

Your thoughts rushing back and forth, you can't believe that you really had to bump into Captain America today. Fate wasn't doing you a favour at all.

 

You're peeking at Bucky, all your wildest fears taking over, you're panting, about to get another anxiety attack.

 

What if he thinks you did this on purpose? What if he's gonna drop you somewhere, having enough of your shit and all the trouble that comes with you?

 

Because you're no use to him at all, you both know that.

 

Too lost in your own frantic mind, you're grabbing the door, trying to find something to hold onto because the world around suddenly feels like it's just unreal and you're floating around in uncertainty.

 

“Do you want me to pull over?” Bucky speaks up unexpectedly, his warm voice breaking through your bubble and reaching you. You're staring at him with your eyes wide open.

 

“Noo… Why?”

 

Tilting his head a little, he kind of gives you the “don't be kidding me” look, and you know he knows how awful you're feeling right now. Of course he notices everything though, he's a freaking assassin.

 

“It's too hot in here.” Yet he's polite enough not to just spit out the truth. Light wind blows in your face, he’s apparently turned on the air conditioning, and then he adds: “You can roll down the window if you want.”

 

“Uh-huh.” Once again, he's a sweetheart, but you're not feeling on the top of the mountain now, so you'd better not try to mess with window, because you have no actual clue how to roll it down.

 

_And I dare call myself a tech wizard..._

 

“Did you get everything you wanted?”

 

“Huh?” He's talking. Again. Like a lot. Looks like it's that time of the day again, and Bucky Barnes just can't shut up now.

 

“From the store…”

 

“Uhh… Uh-huh.”

 

“Aren't you hungry?” The guy is so random, he just makes your head hurt much more.

 

Looks like Bucky Barnes has decided to ruin your mental stability today again, for he just can't seem to shut his mouth now, confusing you once more.

 

“Dunno. Are you?”

 

“Maybe. There's a pancake house…”

 

You forget about yourself and roll your eyes.

 

“The one where we went the last time?”

 

“Yes. Got a problem with that?”

 

Steel blue eyes watching you attentively (when did he take off his sunglasses and where are yours?), you're shivering under his scrutinising gaze and you have to look away.

 

_Yes. The dumb waitress was undressing you with her eyes and I don't wanna watch that shit again._

 

“No. Not at all.” You lie, looking in front of you strictly.

 

“We can eat somewhere else…”

 

You'd love that actually but you know that Bucky must love pancakes and even if you can't make him feel better, you can at least let him eat his fucking favourite food in peace.

 

“No, it's fine. It's a nice place.” Now that's actually true, apart from the slutty waitress.

 

You don't realise but you're much more relaxed now, your muscles less tense you're quite comfortable, your back pressed against the seat. It's so soft, you swear you could literally purr. You’re playing with your hair as you watch the trees go by, warm sunshine heating your skin and there's fresher air blowing in your face.

 

Realisation suddenly strikes you: you wanted to distract Bucky Barnes, but _he_ ended up distracting you, actually getting you through your little panicking with his talking.

 

You bite your lip, wanting to say ‘Thank you’, but A) you can't fucking talk about the issue without getting emotional again, and B) maybe he didn't do it on purpose and it was just a random thing from  him? The guy must be in a pretty awful emotional state, maybe he just needed to talk to get through the intense moment as well.

 

You're not sure about anything anymore, he's unreadable and you can't keep up with his mind, so you decide you stay silent and just enjoy the ride and his company until you arrive at the pancake house.

 

You never know how it comes that with travelling, the journey home always seems shorter, even if it's on the same road back.

 

It's nothing different now, you either spaced out or had a nap, or it's just an incomprehensible time thing, because you arrived at the pancake house sooner than you expected (even if you stopped at the same petrol station to refill the tank, for your bathroom needs and to buy some food), knowing how long you were travelling yesterday.

 

Actually, you wanted to memorise the country you were travelling through since you could see around you with your eyes uncovered, but it looked like you really just fell asleep or was just too lost in your own world because you didn't spot the motel you were staying at last night either.

 

Your mind still in a haze, when Bucky stops the car, parking close to the pancake house, and soon you're inside, trying not to grimace as you're checking out the staff (you're really hoping that the _bitch_ isn't working today).

 

Too busy searching for the waitress, Bucky's voice draws your attention.

 

“Sit down here,” he’s pointing at a secluded booth, “I need to go to the bathroom.”

 

And he's gone. He left you alone and you can't decide whether you're getting codependent on him, being forced to be with him all the time (seriously, just how long it is since he kidnapped you, you can't remember), or you just _miss_ him simply.

 

Either way, you're just _dumb_. You can't have such feelings for him, you have to snap out of it.

 

Because he and you, it couldn't work anyway.

 

Trying to understand your own feelings, you get startled as the waiter steps next to you.

 

“Good afternoon!” He smiles, and you ought to smile back at him, his cheerfulness contagious on his friendly face. “Have you decided what you want to order?” He inquires, holding a small notebook and a pen in his hands.

 

“Umm… Not yet…” You giggle, grabbing the menu instantly. You're reading through all available options, when you suddenly remember what Bucky said the last time. “Uh, we'd like the specialty of the day, please.”

 

You look up at him confidently, only to meet his confusion.

 

“ _We_?”

 

“She's with me.” Bucky states firmly, his raw voice sounding up like an unexpected thunder.

 

He basically just throws himself between the waiter and you, sitting _next to you,_ and not in front of you like last time.

 

You blush as his body brushes against yours in the narrow place, and you're suddenly feeling a bit weird, not understanding his behaviour at all.

 

“Ahh… I see.” Your embarrassment grows as you can see the waiter’s own embarrassment, and you're feeling sorry for him, sorry for you, and a little angry with Bucky. You practically haven't talked to anyone apart from Bucky, you were out and about, without an actual panic attack, and he just had to ruin it?

 

“And for drinks?”

 

“Water, please.”

 

“Just water, thanks.”

 

Bucky and you say in unison. You can't tell if it's the waiter who's more astonished or Bucky and you.

 

“Alright. It'll take some time until your order is ready. If you need anything, just call for me.” He smiles at you kindly, and you actually wish he’d stay longer.

 

You didn't want to hook up with the guy of course, but you haven't encountered other people's kindness for ages, you can't be bad for liking his attention a little too much, can you?

 

As the waiter leaves, Bucky suddenly stands up and sits in front of, confusing the shit out of you again. Looking at him you realise how stern his face is again, jaw clenching and it's like there's a light blush on his cheeks and he refuses to look at you.

 

You also notice that he's still wearing his cap, but you guess it's because he wants to hide his face, even if it doesn't actually work on the long run.

 

Bucky suddenly looks up, but he's not staring at you directly, his fierce blue eyes are glued to something behind you. You're about to turn your head and look behind you, just to check what or who he's staring at (maybe it's his favourite waitress), but just when you're about to turn your head, his right hand moves fast and he just puts his cap on your head, and you're shocked.

 

“People could recognise you.” He explains patiently while you're blinking like crazy.

 

You don't know what to think, he's just acting so _strangely_ , and it's just weirder than his usual paranoid-assassin-on-the-run level of oddity, and you can't understand why.

 

“I think you're way more famous than me.” You giggle anxiously, realising too late that you've said the most inappropriate thing again.

 

Why can't you just shut your mouth?

 

Anxiety kicking in, you're getting stressed again, fear and panic crawling under your skin as Bucky stays silent, looking at you with an unreadable expression.

 

“I—”

 

“Here you are.” The waiter steps next to you, bringing your order, and you're actually more relieved than angry that he bothered you, because you honestly didn't know what you were going to tell Bucky at all.

 

“Thank you for your patience.”

 

The waiter goes to you first, totally making you forget about the whole thing happening around you for a brief time. You thank him, blushing a little under his stare. You're trying to peep and find a name tag on his black button up shirt, staring at him a little too long and a little to inappropriate when Bucky's leg suddenly kicks yours under the table, making you look at him, his gaze diverted on the table, looking all innocent like nothing has happened.

 

“Bon appetite.”

 

“Thank you.” Deciding that you've had enough of Bucky Barnes for today, you divert your gaze at the plate in front of you too, your mouth going wet at the sight of the most delicious and tasty looking pancake bar you've ever seen.

 

Suddenly you notice that there are lemons painted on the table cloth, so you call after the waiter, just when he was about to leave you, only to ask if they have lemonade.

 

“Sure! I'll be right back.”

 

Eating your meal in silence is again the smartest thing to do. You're actually surprised how you can play it nice and get along (only if you two don't interact), the both of you munching on your pancakes, when fate decides to nag you one more time.

 

The waiter comes back with a jug of lemonade, and when you look at him to thank him, you spot a name on the pocket of his shirt, just before he leaves again.

 

 _Steve_.

 

Now you didn't need that.

 

Your anxiety returning, your hands actually start to tremble a little as your paranoia sets in.

 

“You think I did it?” The question that's been haunting you for hours just slips off your tongue after Steve, the waiter leaves.

 

You don't want to hurt Bucky Barnes. Even if he gets in your head and makes you upset. You were actually hoping that he didn't notice the name similarity, yet you couldn't help but talk about what happened at the mall.

 

You just had to.

 

“Did what?” Bucky's more confused than ever, blinking adorably, but you just can't hold his gaze.

 

“Called Captain America.” You bite your lip, afraid to look him in the eye.

 

“Did you?” His raw and deep voice cuts through the air, sounding so sad and tired, it makes your heart sink.

 

 _NO!_ You scream internally, but you just know he wouldn't believe you, so you decide to tell the truth.

 

“It doesn't matter what I say, you don't believe me. I'm—” Someone walks by, and you shut up. Slow seconds crawl by and you don't feel like continuing, even if no one's around.

 

Nerve-wrecking silent seconds pass by, you're getting more anxious with each passing minute, especially because you were dreamy enough to expect Bucky to say such things as _“I know you didn't do it”_ or _“I believe you”_.

 

He didn't say any of those, yet again, he blew your mind when he randomly said: “There's a little whipped cream in the corner of your mouth.”

 

You abruptly stick out your tongue, trying to lick the cream off, but you realise how foolish you must look, so you excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. You could've just wiped your mouth with a napkin, but you needed some time away from Bucky.

 

“Come on, now, get your shit together, girl!” You tell your reflection in the mirror. You have had cold water poured on your wrists, trying to calm yourself down and freshen up, and when you felt like it was useless and that you spent too much time away, you decided to walk back to Bucky.

 

Coming out of the bathroom, you suddenly bump into someone; it's the kind waiter who just appears to have the worst name in this situation.

 

“I'm sorry, it was my fault.”

 

“No, it was mine.” You try to smile back at him.

 

There's a short, awkward silence between the two of you, you don't know what to say but you'd like to keep the conversation going because talking to the guy still makes you feel less miserable, you just try to forget about his name.

 

“Uhh… If you and _your boyfriend_ decide to have some dessert, it's on me.”

 

First, you don't even get who he's talking about, then you notice how his eyes are on something behind you (you turn around, only to spot Bucky Barnes eyeing you two, and either it's his regular Winter Soldier expression or he really is _pissed_ ) and you finally get it.

 

“That's really nice, thank you!” You smile at the waiter. How your grin reaches up to your ears is practically not because of his generous offer, but because he called Bucky your boyfriend.

 

You walk back to the secluded booth to Bucky, still cheered up that people actually think you two are _together_ , the idea more appealing to you than it should be.

 

“I was thinking maybe I should send a rescue team after you.” Bucky's unexpected comment clams you up, you don't know what to respond.

 

Seeing your confusion, his face reddens again, adding: “I was just joking. Well, tried to.”

 

Now you're really taken aback as he's looking at you, you'd say, quite  shyly, then he just can't seem to hold your stare and he looks away, pressing his lips together and biting them.

 

You don't really have the time to even process what's going on when, changing topics faster and more frequently than someone changes their underwear, he just adds:

 

“We don't always have to play _a couple_. You can be my relative too.”

 

Once again — or precisely: still — you're experiencing a roller coaster of mixed emotions, once too groom and angsty, then sexually frustrated to kind of happy, now he actually breaks your heart with saying such a thing out of the blue (he may have heard your conversation with the waiter?), so you strike back all frustrated and bitter.

 

“Oh, just when did we play a couple, I didn't notice.”

 

“You were holding my hand quite frequently…” He looks at you strictly, hot blood flushing your cheeks but you don't back away.

 

“Oh, I thought _you_ were holding my hand as I am basically your puppy on a leash.”

 

Now that was harsh. You clam up afterwards, staring at Bucky with your eyes wide open. He's gawking at you, much like he's confused and a little upset.

 

“What's your problem?”

 

“No, what's _your_ problem? You're pestering me all day, I can't even eat this shit in peace.” Well, it's still your daily battle with anxiety and your own confused feelings, and the fact that you're on your period that you're just so brash and easily annoyed, but you can't help it.

 

To be honest, Bucky Barnes could be grateful you are not throwing things at his head, you're so done with him now.

 

Bucky's all astonished by how you snapped at him. His desirable lips part, they tremble as if he wouldn't know what to say, then he speaks up, voice low and coarse as he whispers.

 

“That waiter keeps looking at you a lot. He's making me…”

 

 _Looks like the tables have turned, Bucky Barnes_ , an evil voice sings in your head, suddenly realising what can lie behind his rather strange behaviour which is just more odd than usual.

 

“He's _suspicious_. What if he recognised you?”

 

The atmosphere changes around you two so suddenly and so fast, so randomly, that you can hardly keep up.

 

Tension hovering around, you can't tell anymore if it's only in your mind, or it's real, and apart from the sexual tension that's so thick you can hardly breathe sometimes, you start to feel like there's something else in here too.

 

Envy.

 

“Well, a cap won't solve that.”

 

You're grinning sarcastically, mainly because you like to have the delusion that Bucky Barnes may actually be _jealous_ of you. And even if he's not — most certainly he's just super stressed, having seen his former best friend just recently — the mere idea fills you with some dark joy, like a guilty pleasure, and you deserve that tiny bit of bliss, especially after everything that happened so far.

 

So you continue being sassy, adding: “And if they're now on the way to get me, at least I wanna eat my lunch. I doubt there's quality food in prison, and I guess I'm gonna spend quite a lot of time in there.”

 

Your attention on your plate again, you furrow your eyebrows when you hear a quiet and short giggle coming from in front of you, and when you look up and actually see Bucky Barnes’ lips form a smile, you almost drop your fork.

 

“How can you be like that?”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Funny. In a situation like this.”

 

Holy chicken nuggets, he’s just called you _funny_.

 

“Well, it's better than running around screaming hysterically…”

 

Putting down the cutlery you reach for the lemonade, because your throat suddenly feels dryer than a desert, and you think that you're stable enough not to spill it. But just like in any dumb and cheesy comedy, when filling your glass, the jug slips out of your sweaty palms, and even if you don't actually drop it, the jug tilts, and some of the sticky liquid pours on you, spilling on your top quite much.

 

“SHIT!”

 

Not believing that this has happened for real and you're actually this dumb, you keep cursing quietly, not brave enough to look at Bucky who's already eaten his meal and has no other thing to do than staring at you being miserable.

 

“Do you want my shirt?”

 

Looking at him abruptly, you're blinking for a second because you cannot actually believe that he really said what you heard he said, and you're certain that you either misheard him or he didn't even talk and you just imagined the whole thing.

 

Or you're just dreaming, probably. Because this day is just too unreal to be true.

 

But actually, Bucky's looking at you with one eyebrow raised higher as he's waiting for your answer, and it looks like he really asked that question and he's, in fact, all serious about this.

 

You can't help but stare at his shirt, unconsciously biting your lip while doing so. The guy can't be sane, he only has one black long sleeved shirt and a leather jacket of the same colour, how does he want to give it to you?

 

Does he want to be all topless or just wear his leather jacket and nothing else underneath? Because both sounds freaking _sexy_ (you're not supposed to call him like that, you know, but who cares anymore, you're already damned) and you're game for either of them.

 

“Uhh, it's no big deal.” You shrug however, trying to dry your top with napkins.

 

If you come to think about it, Bucky  Barnes just shouldn't walk around like that, because you can't guarantee what you're going to do, been dancing on the edge for too long.

 

“You're gonna catch a cold.” He insists, actually making your heart melt.

 

“It's not winter…” You laugh anxiously. You're trying not to lose your shit right here, because Bucky Barnes is an A+ sweetheart again, although he should take the hint and not fucking around with your mental stability any more.

 

You can't help but be a little mischievous though.

 

“Besides, you only have that one shirt.” Biting on your lip again, you must look like a thirsty whore, because now you're actually hooked on the idea of wearing his shirt.

 

“Not exactly.” His sly grin is something new, his steel blue irises glistening with playfulness, and you're sure you must be dreaming, seeing him basically glow like that.

 

Turns out, you were a fool to think that Bucky Barnes could wear only one layer of clothes.

 

As you're looking at him now, he's wearing his black leather jacket zipped up to his torso, you can see that there's a white material peeking from under, probably a tank top, and it's doing things to you as you're destined to imagine him wearing that without the jacket, his fine muscles on the show, the memory of the time spent in the fitting room haunting you.

 

You eventually went to the bathroom, it was Bucky's turn first, as he had to take off his black shirt and then give it to you. Now you are standing face to face in front of the bathroom door, wearing his shirt, your own ruined one in your hands, and you can’t help but blush.

 

“Thanks.” You mumble, gripping your filthy piece of clothing too strong.

 

Bucky's lips part, you're so intrigued about what he wants to say, then an elderly lady steps to you, asking if you could let her in the bathroom. You giggle anxiously, saying “Of course” in your embarrassment, and when you look at Bucky again, he's looking somewhere in the distance, a little spaced out, and you don't know if you're angry with the lady disturbing you two or you're just disappointed that Bucky doesn't tell you what he wanted.

 

But maybe he didn't even want to say anything, and you're just making things up again.

 

(But then again, you were _right_ about him staring at you, so chances are your guesses are right about him, and indeed he was a little jealous too.)

 

“You want something else?” He asks then. You mutter a silent “No”, making him go: “Then I'll go and pay the bill.”

 

You put your hand on his right upper arm, the unexpected gesture making Bucky come to a halt and stare at you with curiosity.

 

Steel blue eyes glistening so much, you have to swallow before opening your mouth to talk.

 

“Let me deal with that.”

 

“Sure?”

 

You nod. He lets out a quiet sigh, but then he gives you the money, taking it out of his pocket. You turn around to go to the counter, but then it's Bucky's turn to stop you.

 

“Don't forget about this.” And he just puts his cap on your head again. You feel a little awkward, as if you were a kid, then you turn around finally and go to deal with the bill.

 

The well-known chilly sensations itching along your spine, you close your eyes for a second, just to savour the feeling, all small hair standing on your nape as it’s giving you goosebumps.

 

You know now that it's just Bucky Barnes having his pretty eyes on you, but you still can't believe it.

 

However, what you didn't know that seeing you in his shirt and wearing his cap, Bucky Barnes actually thought you were the most gorgeous thing he had ever laid his eyes on in the last seventy years, and he was experiencing some weird feelings indeed when he saw how much _interested_ that “Steve” was in you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, okay, where to begin... I don't know why I involved Stevie in this. I was out of ideas actually, and it just happened. Now, some of you mentioned that you wanted a kiss, and that almost happened in this chapter. I wanted B (yes, I call him "bee" again, damn, I miss Gossip girl *cries*) and Reader to actually kiss at that scene, but I felt like it was just a poor copy of the Romanogers kiss in TWS, and it felt like such a cliche, and I ditched it. (Sorry for everyone who wanted a kiss, but it just wouldn't suit the story. Or Idk. I mean who wouldn't wanna kiss Bucky-boo? Maybe I'll have to come up with something after all, cause I'm a thirsty Bucky bitch. maybe I'll have to write a little smut in another fic lmao)
> 
> Anyway... I forgot what I wanted to say so I'll just blurt out the most random thing: anyone knows how that thing under the door grip is actually called ? That handle thing where there is a little space for storing things and you can hold onto it, and usually the buttons for the window is there too. Anyway, I meant that thing when I said that Reader was holding onto that shit, but I couldn't find the name, even if I googled the living and dead shit out of it.
> 
> Also, sorry for repeating the same words all over again, my vocab is really poor, and I cant learn any new words cause I keep forgetting them, and I was too lazy to open the synonym dictionary.
> 
> My dear Semirames had a request: Reader using Bucky's clothes. Now that was a tough one, but I managed to come up with something, even if it was a cliche, so I hope you'll like it!
> 
> I was only half joking back then, and the offer is still on, if you have any ideas, how to make the story better, or if you wanna see (I mean read) something in it, or anything, you can tell me, and I'll consider if I can add it or not. I really loved writing all those filler chapters but I know I cant delay the big crisis anymore, so I'll have to let go of the story soon becauseI just cant add any more chapters in between. I'll probably cry for a whole week, cause I dont wanna end this fic, but like, I'm already out of ideas sometimes, and I'd die without Paula and Wanda, and without you, my lil Plumz, I would've just abandoned the whole thing already.
> 
> Okay, before I get all wet, I mean, wet because of tears, cause I'm an emotional potato salad, I'll just go on.
> 
> My favourite new addition to this story is Jealous!Bucky. God, I had so much fun writing that scene. I didnt know if it was too bold or too soon or too... not fitting, but I'm glad I did it. I read a really nice description in another fic (sadly cant remember where), something like "Bucky's skin was red under his stubble", and it was so epic, and I got hooked on Bucky blushing, so I made him blush like a lot in this chapter, and now I just wanna cuddle him and feed him cookies.
> 
> Oh, and if we're talking about the jealousy part. A little insider info: the waiter was based on Hiddles, because I'm apparently not a monogamous person, and I love Loki and Bucky, and Hiddles and SebStan equally. I almost described the waiter's eyes as baby blue, but I decided not to, because I didnt want to turn the story into a love triangle thing, which I'm a sucker for *cannot wait to start working on the Seb-Hiddles-Reader love triangle thing that is most certainly gonna involve a threesome even if me knows no shit about threesomes, me just wants some fifty shades porn with the guys so badly*
> 
> Oh and the fitting room part... That is my other favourite, it was a fresh idea, and I'm happy I could feature it here.
> 
> I feel like I'm forgetting a lot of things again, actually I like how this chapter turned out after all (even if something still bugs me with it), and I'm thankful for Paula and Wanda, and for you all, my lil Plumz! <3
> 
> I still suck with tags, so I'm still in search for a beta tagger, lmao.
> 
> Oh, and before I forget: my wonderful Paula has decided to start posting [_her own fic_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7913683/chapters/18081562), I strongly advise you to take a look, because it's epic. Sadly it's a slow build kinda fic, so we'll probably die in the wait but maybe there's wifi in purgatory...
> 
> I guess, that's all.
> 
> I'd like to tell you once more that I'm on vacation now and I'm struggling with writing atm, so please don't be surprised if I don't update every Sunday, like I used to.
> 
> Stay awesome and stay safe! xx


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, is anyone still out there? *peeps from behind Bucky*
> 
> So... I told you before that I had some issues with writing, and I mentioned that I wouldn't post a new chapter every week like I used to, but tbh I never expected myself to take an actual 2 month long break from writing this story... I'm really astonished, time went by really fast, and I dont even know how.
> 
> I'm sorry for keeping you waiting, I had - still have - some really big issues going on apart from writer's block (I'm gonna tell about them in the end notes, if you're interested) and I just couldn't write the story.
> 
> Anyway, I'm back now, and I'll try to post more frequently, but still can't do it every week and I cannot promise it, it'll probably be very random and depending on my mood, schedule, and etc. Writing takes a lot of time, and I dont like uploading chapters when I feel like it's not the quality I expect from myself, and I'm much slower right now and I can't write all the time, so I'm asking for your patience. ^^
> 
> So, here's the new chap, I'm really excited to post it, and i suffered like a lot writing it. Still not very satisfied with the outcome, and I was unsure about uploading it cause it doesnt feel ready, but I didn't want to sit on it any longer, so I leave the judgement to you.
> 
>  Before I go to ramble in the end notes, let me say a giant, cosmic, insterstellar THANK YOU to Wanda and Paula for bearing with me and trying to help me with the story. I love you, bitches! (Wow, I really shouldn't be bitchin' that much, like recently I called my mother bitch because I'm so used to call my friends like that, and I was glad she didn't slap me in the face, hehe... Well, this tells how much of an awkward and embarrassing person I am for real. ^^')
> 
> *All mistakes are my own, but I'll probably notice and correct them later. Or if I don't, you can come at me, I won't bite, probably just cry a little.

* * *

You must've fallen asleep because when you open your eyes for the next time, Bucky is actually parking the car — you're in the garage now, back in his secret hideaway, and as much as it's odd, you actually feel relieved that you returned here. Strangely, it almost feels like arriving home.

 

You're still a bit sleepy so you close your eyes back, your mind still in a haze, but you’re waking up slowly, your thoughts filling up your anxious and tired mind, leaving your head quite crowded. It was so good asleep, you actually had some really nice dreams and you don't want to wake up and come back to the cruel real world just yet.

 

Even if you refuse to open your eyes, trying to escape reality and wanting to continue your sweet dreams, your senses work all sharp so you can hear some noise coming from your left; the clicking sound of the seat belt being undone, the shushing of clothes as someone is moving around, a door opening and closing. You get quite curious, but by the time you would open your eyes to check on Bucky, he is already by your side, undoing your seat belt and taking you in his arms so gently that you're certain you still must be dreaming after all.

 

Too lost on cloud nine, you actually forget about yourself and hug him as he lifts you up so easily, carrying you you guess to your room. You put your arms around his neck, laying your head on his left shoulder, not minding it's unusual coldness. The well-known scent of his dances up to your nostrils, making you more dreamy. Your fingers start to come alive around his neck, caressing his velvety skin on his nape all softly, even playing with his hair in the meantime.

 

You don't even realise what you're doing, when a quite shaky moan escapes Bucky's throat, and you swear you can feel how his heart rate quickens up, pounding against your numb body. Your own body starts to react too, your heart is racing and you're heaving. You open your eyes slowly, trying to focus with your mind still in a haze, and when you realise where you actually are and what you're doing, you flinch and shriek. The sudden movement distracts Bucky and he almost drops you, he has to struggle a bit to keep his balance, staggering with you.

 

The sleeping flame within you becomes a wild, untameable fire in an instant, your dizzy mind filled with flashbacks of everything that happened recently, your steamy dreams flashing before your eyes too — reality tangles with your imaginings, and you don't even know what's real anymore…

 

However, feeling Bucky's skin against yours, his strong hands on your back and under your legs feels pretty real, just like that drawing power you're experiencing laying your eyes on his parted lips — he's so close that you could easily count the facial hair around his mouth if you wanted to. His steel blue eyes cuts into yours, his irises sparkle so glowingly and sharply, it's like he's slicing into your soul, tearing you apart. You just feel so hot you swear you will end up burning right there, your cheeks a vivid shade of red as you're held by him, his closeness making every single one of your cells melt.

 

It's just too much, too fucking much and you cannot take it.

 

“I can walk now,” you can hardly hear your raspy voice and you don't dare look up at him anymore, you're biting your lip trying to cope with what's happening, his neck mere inches away from your face. You're cursing yourself for having said such a thing, because yeah, you’re pretty much greedy and you could stay like this forever, but he can't hold you like this after such a long day, can he?

 

Bucky Barnes doesn't say a thing now, he just puts you down on the ground oh-so-fucking-carefully that you end up trembling, and you have a very hard time trying to stand on your feet.

 

Not understanding how your recent days consist of you getting into more and more awkward situations with Bucky Barnes, you're too shy to lock eyes with him, standing there all flustered, but the situation is indeed too dumb and too unbearable, so you try to collect yourself and look up at him…

 

…realising just now that his leather jacket is gone, and he's showing off his toned body only wearing a white tank top.

 

And you were in actual physical contact with… _that_.

 

_Fucking hell._

 

You're aware you shouldn't be staring at him, but you can't help it; he just looks so fine, a real pleasure to the eyes. What makes you more intrigued is that his metal arm is on the show again, the slow, mesmerising motions of the metal plates moving actually captivates you, making your throat all dry and certain parts of you all itchy.

 

“I'm gonna unpack what we bought, you can go up and rest,” his voice sounds even more coarse, and it makes you shiver. You force yourself to stop gawking at his arm because you're well aware how inappropriate it is — but to be honest it's his fault, he shouldn't be dressing like a stripper...

 

Looking up in his face your heart eventually drops when you spot that stern expression; he just seems quite strict, his jaw clenching, eyebrows knitted together.

 

 _Fuck_. _Is he… angry?_

 

You don't have to read minds, you know that you were inconsiderate and indiscreet staring at his arm, and he must be quite _pissed_.

 

Bucky Barnes was upset for real, but little did you know that it was only because he thought you were disgusted with his metal arm. He was _foolish_ to think that you wouldn't be scared of him, and it didn't matter if he was trying to be kind to you, you were still his prisoner.

 

So to make things easier for you, he just turns around, heading for the car to start unloading and packing, and then he's planning to just crash onto the couch, feeling pretty much tired after such a long day.

 

But actually, he doubts he could get any sleep, especially since he should keep watch all night — anyone could’ve followed you here, and it’s better to prepare for the worst, just in case.

 

“You can go up,” he breaks the silence.

 

You get the hint: he has enough of you for now and he wants to be alone, but you just can't help yourself…

 

“I’d like to help…” you insist, cursing yourself as soon as you finish that fucking desperate sentence but you still take a step forward.

 

“You were sound asleep just a moment ago,” his reply comes in such a low voice that you can barely understand his words, he just mumbles and he doesn't even look at you as he opens the car; you'd say he's pretty closed off.

 

Well, you don't have to be Einstein to figure out what his problem may be: beside gawking at his left arm which is a touchy subject in itself, you just snuggled up to him practically and you touched him quite intimately, without his consent. No one would like that under any circumstance, let alone coming from the enemy.

 

Because yeah, no matter what happened, and even if Bucky Barnes acts all cool toward you, taking your needs and comfort into consideration, you're still HYDRA in his eyes, and he still kidnapped you, even if he never meant to harm you, and you shouldn't fall for him, given that he's keeping you hostage.

 

On the other hand, it was you who decided not to escape when you had the chance, so you're just so confused that you have no idea what to do anymore. All these feelings piled up in you, you can't deny it anymore: you are _attracted_ to Bucky Barnes, which is wrong, and it's insane, and it's madness.

 

Yet, you can't resist the feeling, you desire more and you just have to try and get closer to him both physically and in spirit.

 

“But I'm awake now,” you find yourself muttering, making Bucky frown for a short second. Little did you know that he was actually angry with himself because to him, you looked at him all _terrified_ , your eyes fixated on that damn thing on his left.

 

Bucky Barnes actually doesn’t even understand what’s going on with him, he just acts so strangely around you. Like seriously, what the hell has gotten into him that he just offered you his shirt earlier, you sure as hell won't warm up to him, and…

 

Just what on earth is he expecting from you now, really? He must've lost his mind— maybe you're doing _this_ to him? Messing with his brain just like _them_?

 

Bucky Barnes wanted to use you for his own advantage but maybe it's _you_ who's using him after all. Might be just a few days and he'll be willingly back on the field, doing anything for HYDRA just because of your pretty eyes?

 

Damn, he should've just dropped you off somewhere and then leave, find a new place for himself and start fresh. He was stupid to think that his memories could be restored by those who took them away. And to be honest, he's not even sure he wants them back anymore. The more he tried to be _that person_ he saw on recordings in the museum, the more distant _he_ looked when he looked in the mirror.

 

He certainly can't live in the past, he has to move forward, so maybe he should just go someplace else and establish a whole new life… He could pull it off, and maybe, he could have a calm life until he figures everything out and decides what he wants to do from now on.

 

But he should let you go first.

 

What terrifies Bucky Barnes is that the mere idea makes him react so oddly; he just feels like he couldn't leave you, and that's making him more and more concerned and troubled. He must be out of his mind, but that's not even the right phrasing since he's been out of his mind practically for decades…

 

He doesn’t even know what his mind is like for real, honestly.

 

To you, Bucky seems so agitated, much like _furious_ for a moment that you don't even know what's going on anymore. Maybe you should just leave him be, because you can do nothing for him, and you're just annoying him, but you can't get yourself to actually go away, even if you know you're dancing on the edge of a ravine, about to fall down and hit bottom any time soon.

 

“I just wanna do something…”

 

_...for you._

 

You find yourself muttering after a short pause, and fucking hell, you're sounding so desperate again, you just said the worst thing _again_. You're aware that you should filter what you're saying but you can't help that your mouth just works faster than your brain most of the time, that annoying pink cloud too thick around you, you can't even think clearly to make the right decision.

 

Your heart is drumming against your ribcage, the loud pounds ringing in your ears while waiting for Bucky's reply. You don't know why you can't just go up in your room and lay low, letting him have his alone time too and try to process everything that happened in the last few days.

 

Actually, you should be quite nervous about Steve Rogers, SHIELD or anyone finding you here after you almost met him in that mall. Why was he there? Was it just coincidence? Was he following a lead? Did someone see your faces and made a report? Are they coming now?

 

There are so many questions, so much to worry about, yet you can't stay put and have to annoy Bucky Barnes even more, not letting him rest for a second.

 

What's more, even if you're dealing with stress and anxiety, you cannot tame your mind and not be ogling at his muscles, watching him as he stands next to the car, all distressed. He could've had a nice evening but here you are messing with him, not letting him be.

 

You wish to disappear now, being swallowed up by the ground, but then he parts his lips, looking in your eyes finally, and you swear you could die under his gaze.

 

“You can take up some things to the kitchen…” You're damned focusing on his mouth, watching all longingly how his lips form the words as he speaks, his tongue running over his upper lip from time to time.

 

That's the only thing he adds, and you can't decide if you should thank him for his patience or running around screaming, not getting how his mind works at all. Maybe you're misunderstanding him and he's not mad at you? Because why the hell would he allow you to be around if he couldn't stand your presence?

 

“There's some things that should be put in the fridge anyway…”

 

He's leaning on the top of the car with his arms, and once again you have to realise just how fucking _devastated_ he looks. He just makes your heart ache, and you can't stand seeing him like that.

 

But really, what could you do for a man like Bucky Barnes when you can't even help yourself?

 

“Yeah, and I can put something together for dinner…”

 

“I don't think I'll eat any more today.”

 

Sadness comes in the strangest forms; a bad news, a feeling. You truly must be crazy to think that something has changed between Bucky and you, just because he ate your food once, took you out and gave you his shirt which feels so heavy on you now that you have trouble breathing. It feels like all those cute moments didn't even happen; maybe you just dreamed it all.

 

“But you can eat if you're hungry.” You can hardly hear his words as he adds, you're struggling to snap out of your psychotic mindset, getting heartbroken whenever Bucky Barnes _rejects_ you.

 

You don't know when you're going to part from Bucky Barnes, but the first thing you need to do is seeing a therapist for sure, because bloody hell, your mind is wrecked just like a ship at the bottom of the ocean.

 

“No… I just thought you… Anyway, I'm gonna take that stuff up in the kitchen and go to sleep I think.”

 

_Then you don't have to tolerate me any longer today._

 

Bucky Barnes noticed the sudden change in your behaviour, it was like your eyes were flickering with some extreme amount of sadness, and once again, he couldn't understand what was going on.

 

Maybe you were missing your family? The outside world? A significant other?

 

Watching you from the corner of his eye as you're too quick to get beside him, you grab everything you can and you're heading up to the kitchen already, leaving Bucky Barnes alone with his confusion. He's experiencing a strong WTF-feeling why he cares about such things as if you have a partner or not. He's trying to shake it off but he can't get you out of his mind.

 

Long minutes pass as he's just standing there thinking about you. Maybe you regret not escaping? Or maybe you freaked out because he held you in his arms?

 

So… you really have someone and you feel bad being with another man?

 

Damn, why is he thinking about this matter again?

 

Bucky presses his lips together musing about everything that happened between you two, all those _moments_ that made his heart race and his breath hitch.

 

Having you around always seemed so difficult for him, but it feels like things just changed — it's still very much difficult, but in a different way, and he just doesn't know what to do with you or with himself.

 

He doesn't want to get advantage of the situation, that’s for sure. He could've let you sleep in the car or wake you up, he doesn't even know why he did all that, he just acted on impulse when he wanted to take you up to your bedroom.

 

Bucky's aware that he really should start packing things but he just can't get down to do it when his thoughts are revolving around you. You seemed so _happy_ earlier today in the mall, and he may be damned but whenever you smile it just makes his chest fill up with… _warmth_.

 

And as uncomfortable as that is, he actually _loves_ that feeling. Honestly, he wants to see you smile more.

 

But ever since you came back here, you seem so nervous, and he doesn't have to be a doctor to put that together: you've been here for a long time, isolated from the world you have become quite alienated, and you should go out more. Maybe you'll change your mind and you'll try to escape if he takes you out later. And he most certainly will let you.

 

Bucky Barnes actually decides to give no shit about the packing anymore, he just grabs a few things he considers essential for the night, and after closing the door of the car, he heads for the kitchen, hoping that he can still catch you there.

 

Because it doesn't matter how silly, wrong or impossible it is, he _needs_ to make you feel better.

 

You were so sure you'd be able to sneak up to your room and avoid meeting Bucky Barnes any more today, when he just steps into the kitchen while you're too busy preparing a quick snack for dinner. You don't feel hungry actually, but you just wanted to eat something still; too bad you forgot to buy ice cream.

 

You lock eyes with Bucky and it's like time slows down, you don't even breathe, his steel blue eyes captivate you and they suck you in, and you're soaring into another universe… It's like your soul is dancing, you get all lightheaded, yet you just feel so happy, but then his eyes flicker with something that is just so unrecognisable to you.

 

Bucky actually breaks the eye contact and the moment is gone, he's looking at the floor then he walks into the kitchen, putting down things on the counter, on the shelves and in the cupboard.

 

Your heart is aching as you feel like he can just read your mind and he also notices how you're looking at him all heart-eyes and shit… And you just feel terribly _fucked_. He must know that you're so fond of him (and that's an understatement, really) and he must be so disgusted, he just doesn't want to be around such a freak as you.

 

Because normal people don't have a crush on the person who kidnapped them, right?.

 

Your appetite is gone, you just want to escape and hide in your room but Bucky Barnes won't let you, apparently, making you feel pretty distraught.

 

“Did you like it?” He doesn't look at you as he speaks, his voice so low that you're just staring at him in confusion.

 

_The hell, did he really ask what I heard he asked? What is happening?_

 

“Like what?” You turn toward him after you put your food on a plate, standing next to the kitchen counter all dumbfounded.

 

“Being out.”

 

_Just what is going on with this guy always asking the most random questions?_

 

“Umm… yeah, it was…” He's actually clinging to each and every one of your words now, watching you all attentively. Those piercing blue eyes make your throat go dry and you can't think anymore. But precisely, your brain tends to malfunction quite a lot lately, damn your miserable life that has been turned upside down…

 

Things are getting out of control again; you have two options, you’re either panicking or get sexually frustrated, or both at the same time… Right now, you can't help the memories flooding your mind, you clear your throat and murmur “Nice” to finish your sentence fast while images of Bucky Barnes’ bare butt are flashing before your eyes and you can't hold his gaze, you have to look away, your cheeks burning red.

 

Craving and yearning take over, making your whole body explode, and it's just too much, too fucking much again; you can't decide if you want to scream or punch something.

 

“I-I think I'm—”

 

“We can go out more frequently,” you start to speak in unison but his say makes you go silent, you're staring at him with your eyes wide open.

 

_What the fuck?!_

 

Bucky seems a bit taken aback by your reaction, and it's either the lights or your imagination only, or maybe his cheeks are really red.

 

“I think that's not a great idea.” You try to phrase carefully. “After what happened today in the mall…” But it's actually impossible to remain tactful in a situation like this.

 

You don't know if Bucky really doesn't get the hint or he's just wondering why you're reacting this way, but you're getting more and more flustered so you start rambling about, adding “I think it's too risky to go out now, even with the Nano Masks.” You shrug, not really knowing what else to say.

 

Frankly, you don't really want to be out in the open field right now, you're too scared of getting caught, the possibility of being separated from Bucky depressing you more than it should, and you're aware you can't tell him the main reason why you wouldn't really like to leave his hideaway.

 

So you're hoping that your cheap explanation is enough for him if he was serious indeed about what he just said.

 

You don't know what to make of his behaviour now; you were super sure Bucky Barnes hated you and couldn't stand you around, but he's always so _caring_ and _thoughtful_ , his kindhearted spirit has the effect to make you swoon and it touches you deeply.

 

But you just can't go all dreamy and let yourself think those silly things again. Because now you've started to admit to yourself that you have actual feelings for this man, and there's no chance for romance in here — you need to stay on the ground, and not fly up to the moon all romantic and naive.

 

Bucky falls silent for a long time, making you yell internally. You'd think that he wouldn't comment on the matter anymore, you're ready to leave him and head for your room when he speaks up again…

 

“What did you plan for tonight?”

 

…and you almost drop your plate that you were just about to hold up.

 

“N-nothing?” Looks like you can manage to piss off Bucky Barnes with your one word replies only, so you really should keep your mouth shut in order to “get along” with him.

 

After hearing your say, he just seems so upset again, giving you the impression that he must just hate you, but then why the hell is he acting like he cares about you? What is his reason with all this?

 

But he's just a nice person probably, and it doesn't matter what HYDRA did to him, he's a good man and he would never treat anyone, not even one person from HYDRA the same way as he was treated. And that says a lot about his nature; he's just so _pure_ , and nothing can change that.

 

Bucky Barnes was rather upset, actually, but only because he pretty much _disliked_ when you were staring at him all scared like he was about to murder you, reminding him of who he actually was: a killer.

 

Yet sometimes he had that crazy feeling that he was just _a person_ next to you— not an Asset, not a machine, but a legitimate human being and he liked those moments.

 

Until he said or did something that left you all shocked, and it always resulted in you giving him _that stare_ , and he just felt so disgusted with himself. On the top of that, he was absolutely appalled by his own foolish thoughts, and not just by the ones about you.

 

Because no matter what he does, if he dedicates his life to do good or wipes HYDRA off the Earth, all that blood won't come off his hands.

 

But the first thing he did on his own was kidnapping you, so he isn't really great at being good, maybe it's all useless because his soul is rotten and damned — maybe it doesn't even exist anymore.

 

“Umm… why do you ask?” You muster enough courage to enquiry, biting your lips all flustered because it seems like Bucky Barnes isn't going to continue at all. He seemed so immersed in his own world, so being your shitty self once again, you're pushy, asking him straight when he doesn’t seem like talking at all.

 

Bucky Barnes didn’t want to talk for real, he just changed his mind, but then you asked him, and…

 

…and the words just started rolling off his tongue.

 

“I may have something…” He pauses for a moment, his eyes fixated on a distant spot behind you, being all spaced out as if he's struggling to finish his say. In reality, Bucky Barnes is actually surprised how easy it is to actually speak his mind, but he feels like he still needs to be careful with what he’s saying. “...to keep you _entertained_ while you're locked up in here.”

 

“Entertained?” You frown, cursing yourself right away why you're so dumb and keep asking about.

 

Bucky lets out a long sigh, making you more confused. He was so foolish to think that this would go easy. Telling you his idea wasn’t that bad after all, but he forgot about all other obstacles in this matter. Naming just one, you clearly don't wish to be around him, so maybe it would be better for your mental health if he just let you be and do your own thing. And in fact, maybe it would be better for him too if he didn't have you around for a while.

 

“You like technology. I may have something for you.”

 

But Bucky Barnes couldn't resist, even if he didn’t quite understand what he was doing and why, and he was 100 percent positive this would end really, really badly, especially for him.

 

* * *

 

It was a TV. Actually, a really modern monitor that you could tweak into a working TV. It wasn't that late and apparently Bucky Barnes wanted to see what a reality show was (You almost fell on the floor when he told you that; the fact that he paid attention to you and even remembered all the silly shit you rambled about earlier made you feel quite hysterical.), so you just couldn't say no.

 

But how could you have said no when it meant that you could spend some extra time with him — you just had to be careful staying silent and trying not to piss him off.

 

Who knows, maybe he'll end up hating you less.

 

“Okay, now it's supposed to work,” you pout, coming away from the monitor and pushing it back on the stand so it's hanging on the wall. Bucky helped you put it on, he hanged it up in his room, in front of the couch he sleeps on.

 

You step backwards, actually you almost crash into Bucky because he's been standing right behind you and you didn't even notice. You're blushing again, too flustered to look at him, you keep holding onto the HYDRA tablet — he eventually gave it back to you, he said that you could use it better than he would, and stupidly, you took his offer as a sign of _trust_.

 

“What's wrong?” He seems so concerned about you that your mind goes wild again, the craziest thoughts racing through your brain, making you quite disconnected from reality. You're starting to have the impression that you must've gone mad and you're being delusional.

 

So many things have happened, you just didn't have time to process them, and it's like your mind has been overloaded — you really should sleep and think about some things but you doubt you could fall asleep now, and if Bucky Barnes wants to watch TV, you're more than happy to make it happen.

 

Even if you’re rather worried about it.

 

“I'm not sure… What if I turn it on and someone catches the signal?”

 

Biting your lips all nervous, you still don't dare to look at Bucky, you look away. You didn’t want to ruin things being so apprehensive, you really wanted to just have a nice time with Bucky Barnes, but your anxious nature didn’t let that happen. You were always uneasy about something, overthinking the simplest things, making the biggest problems of them, upsetting yourself to the point when you started to hate even yourself.

 

You wish you didn’t say anything, you just want to punch yourself for being so uptight and restless.

 

“Well, I have been using a lot of things for a long time and no one showed up so far…”

 

Bucky Barnes manages to draw your attention, you’re staring at him in awe, his words making you all astounded. Actually, what he's saying isn't comforting at all, much like admitting that you've been living in danger all along, but the fact that he made an effort to calm you down leaves you be foolishly flattered again.

 

“Okay…” You give in, your heart pounding like crazy as your finger hovers over the start button. You managed to connect the tablet to the monitor so it kind of works as  a sort of remote. “Let's see what we've got in here.” And you press the screen, trying not to collapse under the weight of the thought that maybe you’ve just made the worst mistake possible.

 

You can't breathe while waiting for the monitor to boot up. You're quite impressed how the whole thing doesn't blow up after all. You go on step by step, initiating the system, connecting to a satellite, and voilá: all channels are loading, making you actually giggle in your childlike bliss.

 

Well, hacking things is always fun, right?

 

“I honestly didn't think it would work,” you turn around to look at Bucky, all joyous and excited, but when you lock eyes with him and realise that you're being loud and annoying and _geeky_ , you get extremely embarrassed. You shouldn't be shouting around a WW2 soldier who's been captured and brainwashed for decades.

 

The words “I'm sorry” are almost slipping off your tongue but you're feeling so bad, and you don't dare to say a thing. Most people actually hated when you were being a nerd, and you were used to trying to control yourself and keep your enthusiasm to yourself, but sometimes you just couldn't, and you could become excited so easily.

 

Bucky Barnes doesn't know what to say either, he's actually blown away by you doubting your skills in the first place — members of HYDRA are usually eccentric, brash and boastful, and the more he gets to know you (or a version of you?) the more you just don't fit in the picture.

 

He can't figure it out, and it just bugs him even more.

 

What Bucky Barnes knows for sure is that he definitely, most certainly _likes_ when you're being happy and excited; and now he's thinking hard how he could give you missio— _tasks_ , to keep you occupied, and so that he could watch you work because it's damn fascinating.

 

Soothing, even.

 

“Umm… You still wanna watch a reality show?” You manage to ask, looking at Bucky all sheepishly from under your eyelashes. He just nods, watching you in silence and your breath hitches under his intense gaze, your heart rate speeds up, and you feel like you have to get away because you cannot believe this is really happening and you don't know what to do. “I- You want some snacks?”

 

Of course he doesn't get what you're talking about, he furrows his eyebrows, making you feel like an idiot.

 

“There's no watching TV without food,” you explain. “I think I bought some crisps, gonna be back in a minute. With drinks…” You're being extremely clumsy again; you're practically retreating, walking out of his room backwards, your eyes captivated by his steel blue irises, you let out an anxious laugh, sounding like a stupid teen.

 

When you get down in the kitchen, you realise that you have the tablet with you; there's just no way you can carry everything up because you still have two hands only, and the last time you checked you couldn't move things around with your mind.

 

_Get your shit together, girl!_

 

You decide you won't waste the time so you grab a handful of snacks and decide you'll go back for the rest later. You walk back to Bucky fast, getting more and more excited about this little activity with him.

 

(No, you're not calling it a _date_ , but you have to force yourself quite much, your dreamy mind rather untameable.)

 

“I forgot to—” Arriving in his room, the sight practically makes you speechless: Bucky is sitting on the couch, all comfortable, his eyes glued to the screen. He's like a little boy watching cartoons at the weekend.

 

You totally forget about yourself, you're just staring at him, cursing him why he has to be so _cute_ and _adorable_ , making your heart throb.

 

“What?” His coarse voice reaches you, confusing the living shit out of you, you completely forget what you wanted to tell him before.

 

Trying to reboot your brain you're blinking, you clear your throat. What caught you off guard wasn't just how peaceful, calm and normal Bucky Barnes looked, but the fact that he was wearing a maroon hoodie, and it totally distracted you. It felt like you were down for about two minutes only, and even if he was fast, you just didn't expect him to change his clothes so abruptly.

 

And to be honest, you liked when his clothes — or precisely: _lack of clothes_ — revealed his fine muscles, so you're kind of regretting that he's not in a single tank top anymore, but it also gives you the impression that you must've been staring too much and that's why he decided to wear something that doesn't show him off.

 

Bucky is watching you all attentively, and you remember that you should reply to him, so it's time for you to collect yourself finally.

 

After clearing your throat again, you walk up to him; trying not to blush.

 

“Can I put these somewhere?”

 

Bucky seems all confused, and you're feeling so dumb: you could've dropped the things you're holding onto a thousand different places and your question seems really forced and invalid. Yet, Bucky Barnes stands up without a word; getting the desk that was placed next to the couch. He grabs it and puts it down in the middle. It looks a bit weird since it's not a fancy coffee table, but you don't wish to complain at all.

 

Especially not because it rather feels like that you're just a regular couple who just moved in together and have the most basic stuff for their new home…

 

But really, you shouldn't be thinking about such things if you want to remain sane.

 

You force yourself to snap out of the foolishly romantic mood, you put the snacks down, ready to go back to the kitchen for the drinks, but before you're stupid enough to bring the tablet with you again, you offer it to Bucky, who, of course, doesn't understand what you're doing.

 

“Just try it out and browse through the channels.” You explain while handing him the device. Bucky seems hesitant first but then he takes it; your hand brushes against his, making you burn alive, your heart pounding like crazy. It makes you so uncomfortable that you draw your hand backwards too rapidly, cursing yourself that you must be such a moron, your behaviour might be hurtful to Bucky but you sure as hell won't — and can't — explain yourself and you can do nothing about it that you're just an idiot.

 

“You won't watch it with me?” Bucky asks in such a low voice that you can hardly hear it, let alone decide if he sounds disappointed or relieved for real.

 

“I will, I just need a couple more things, like drinks and such…” you giggle anxiously. You wish you would cease to exist, you're so dumb you can't be in his presence anymore, he must think you're just the oddest creature on the planet. “Anyway, what do you wanna drink? I think we've got Coke and Fanta…”

 

“I don’t mind,” he shrugs. You're being such an oaf again; he probably doesn't even know what you're talking about.

 

“Right,” you say then, on your way down to the kitchen. “I'll be right back.”

 

While you're busy getting everything you can think of for a “movie night”, Bucky Barnes is eyeing the DIY remote control flat computer in his hands. “Browsing through the channels” didn't sound so difficult — as you told him about it — but when he looks at the device, trying to find out which button can do what, it really seems like the most complicated thing in the world, so he just puts it on the table before he messes something up.

 

So Bucky Barnes is just sitting there, thinking and thinking. If you come back, you’ll probably notice that he's been watching the same channel, and that would make him look ridiculous. An actual assassin who couldn’t operate a bigger flat computer? He has to find something out.

 

And so he did. If you come back, he'll explain that he was channel browsing — or what — indeed, but all other programmes seemed awful and he just happened to settle for the same channel that was on when you left. Pretty, solid from the Winter Soldier, right?

 

Yep, Bucky Barnes feels pretty proud of himself, and it only took him two minutes to come up with that (lame) excuse, so he's kind of _disappointed_ when you come back but don't ask him about the matter.

 

At least he was prepared.

 

What you weren't and could never possibly be prepared for was seeing Bucky Barnes munching on breadsticks, holding a chocolate bar in his other hand.

 

You almost dropped everything, because he looked like a child who encountered all these things for the first time in his life, and it just broke your heart. However, you managed to hold back your tears, and decided to join him: he seemed so relaxed that you didn't want to bother him, but you just couldn't go in your room without saying anything, so you took a big breath and entered his room, putting down everything you sat down next to him on the couch.

 

First, you didn't even dare to say a thing, you just didn't know what to do, and you wanted to let Bucky discover things on his own. Then you recalled that he had wanted a reality show, so you searched for one.

 

Now you're watching it in the dim room, both of your eyes fixated on the screen. You put your legs up on the desk, slouching on the couch all comfortably. From the corner of your eye, you peep at Bucky from time to time — you remember how much he didn't like when you had your legs on the dash in the car, but he hasn't said anything about it now.

 

In fact, he seems so into the programme that you don't even dare to breathe or bite on your crisps.

 

It's all friendly and fun, until two characters start making out — first you think it's just an innocent little snuggle, and that they wouldn't do _that_ in front of the camera, but they don't stop...

 

You can't control yourself again, you start to imagine Bucky and you in their places, and it's quite easy when you actually saw him naked before. You're getting more and more embarrassed (and, ahem, aroused) and you feel so hot that you have to do something. You sit up and grab a bottle of coke but when you open it, you're destined to knock it over. Your clumsiness results in the gluey liquid spilling on the HYDRA tablet, spreading across the table.

 

“Shit!” You stand up hurriedly, trying to pick up the tablet but it's dripping wet. In your rushed movement, you end up turning off the monitor. The lights are suddenly on, and Bucky Barnes is standing next to you, trying to help you clean up the mess you made with a cloth.

 

“You should limit yourself spilling only one thing a day,” you hear him say. You're so astounded, you're staring at him with your lips parted, your eyes wide open.

 

You can't decide if he really despises you or he's just joking, but when he looks at you, you can't ignore how the corner of his mouth curls a bit upwards, and indeed he looks like half _grinning_.

 

“Are you mocking me?!”

 

“No. Why would I do such a thing?” He challenges you while he's offering his right hand, suggesting that you should give him the tablet so he can wipe it clean.

 

He cannot bullshit you though, you recognise sass any time — you just never expected it coming from Bucky Barnes.

 

Ever since you discovered the truth about him, you considered him a little puppy that needed to be pampered all the time, and you just wanted to handle him gently as if he was made of porcelain, but in fact, Bucky Barnes wasn't as delicate as you thought him to be.

 

You grimace but hand him the device without saying anything in return, but to be honest, Bucky Barnes should — again — be grateful you aren't throwing things at him.

 

But you guess, he would dodge every hit you threw at him anyway.

 

“So… this is what you like?” He asks then, making you all confused. “That real thing we were watching…”

 

You look at him all stunned as he's handing you back the now all dry tablet. Steel blue eyes watching you all attentively, there's curiosity sparkling in them. You realise that he's standing close to you again, and you don't know if you should faint or laugh out loud because of what he called reality shows.

 

“Umm, I don't like them in particular, but sometimes they're fun,” you shrug, taking the device from him and trying to stay cool, but it's like your brain has shut down, as usual — whenever you're around Bucky Barnes, you just tend to malfunction as a human being and you can't even think.

 

Bucky parts his lips; he almost asked you what you liked watching then, but he caught himself and decided not to ask anything personal about you — it's not his business anyway. Much like he shouldn't be so intrigued about how abashed you became when those two people publicly displayed their affection on screen.

 

To be honest, it caught him by surprise and he didn't really know what to do, so he was actually _glad_ you turned it off accidentally.

 

“Umm, do you still wanna watch something? Because I think I'm going to bed,” you bite your lips, looking up at him all sheepishly. Bucky frowns suddenly, making you damn curious but he mouths a fast “No”, shaking his head a bit.

 

You have the feeling that there's something else in here, it actually seems like he is a bit nervous — maybe he's afraid of seeing the news or coming across anything nasty about himself, you or HYDRA?

 

 _Damn, I shouldn't have made the TV work_.

 

You become anxious again, you should be grateful that you didn't have such an inconvenience, and you should be careful about such things the next time Bucky Barnes wants to get you into something so ordinary and normal, yet so dangerous and life-threatening as watching television.

 

Suddenly, the room is too small and the silence is too embarrassing, so you start to tidy up the mess, picking up all food and snacks that remained, just to occupy yourself.

 

Bucky Barnes was actually flustered, because he still didn't know how to operate that thing you seemed to handle so easily, no matter how sneakily he tried to observe you operating that stupid device. Television seemed a bit lousy and too loud to him, made his brain a bit tired, yet it was also amusing a bit. But actually, he started to feel really knackered, yet he didn't want to tell you to turn it off, because he wanted you to have a good time.

 

And now you're acting quite strange again, and he just can't get you at all. Bucky knows he shouldn't care about you so much, but he can't help it. He wants to know what you're doing, so he asks you, leaving you quite astounded.

 

“Cleaning up,” you reply after all, blinking all confused. Bucky is just watching you in awe, and you start to think that there must be something on your face.

 

The truth to be told, Bucky Barnes always tidies up after himself so he's rather amazed seeing you having a similar attitude. You must be really tired after everything that happened today, yet here you are bothering with picking up the trash when you should go to bed.

 

“It's almost midnight…” he begins in a low voice.

 

“I brought these here, I'm gonna clean them up.” You interrupt him, all determined.

 

“You can do that tomorrow. You wanted to sleep…”

 

“Well, it's no big deal,” you add, all flustered but then a sudden idea comes into your head and you freeze.

 

What if he actually wants to eat the remaining snacks but he doesn't want to say it clearly? He's just so reserved — _shy_ , actually — you should get the hints.

 

_Gosh, I'm such a moron…_

 

You bite your lip, trying to come out of the situation now, you start to mumble, “But I can leave it here if you want…” hoping that you're not too straightforward and won't scare him away.

 

Bucky falls silent, he presses his lips together, the look on his face sends chills down your spine.

 

You're staring into his beautiful sincere blue eyes, even if you're aware that you shouldn't. It's like time slows down, it's only you and him; you even forget about the circumstances you're under, it just doesn't matter how you two met.

 

Unwanted feelings start to bloom in you, your breathing is quite ragged, and you're feeling so hot, it's getting really unbearable, especially how your mind wanders off again, recalling all the taboos you shouldn't deliberate about, especially when you're alone with Bucky Barnes — like in a stupid scene from a romantic comedy.

 

“You can leave them here, it won't bother me,” Bucky breaks the moment, his quiet voice still sounds like an explosion in the tense silence. You take a big breath for the first time for minutes. “At least, you won't have to bring them up again tomorrow…”

 

Your heart starts pounding so fast hearing his reply and your head is spiralling — it sounds like an actual plan (a _promise_ , if you let yourself be dreamy) and even if you keep telling yourself that you're dumb, you can do nothing against the fact that you're just too damn excited and probably won't sleep tonight at all.

 

“Okay… I think I go and have a shower now,” you stutter. You should get going but your legs really don't want to move. However, you cannot stay and keep Bucky awake any longer either, so you walk around the table, heading for the exit, when Bucky calls after you.

 

It's the first time he says your name, and the way he pronounces it not just make you paralysed but shiver as well.

 

Bucky Barnes doesn't really know why he called after you — he just didn't really want you to leave, even though both of you needed to rest. Your name just slipped off his tongue, he didn't even know what to say, so he's kind of taken aback when you look back at him from above your shoulder, all curious.

 

“You left the computer here,” and he walks up to you, handing you the tablet.

 

You feel like this isn't even happening to you anymore, it's like you're in your body and you can see what's going on, but it feels so unreal that you're certain you must be dreaming. But in fact, Bucky Barnes is giving you the tablet, and you're just speechless, almost in shock.

 

There's so many things you'd like to ask him: does he really trust you now and that's why he lets you have it, or maybe there's another reason behind it? He either figured he didn't like watching TV or he's trying to avoid seeing something he doesn't want to see on the screen?

 

Maybe there are reports about you? Or about him.

 

Well, you can maybe filter what channels are coming through and block certain things, so if Bucky Barnes decides to watch television ever again, he doesn't have to worry (but indeed he's bound to worry anyway, ‘cause you won't be able to enlighten him about his safety) but you really are in need for a good sleep now, so you just nod, trying to smile at him gently.

 

“Goodnight,” you mumble, taking the device from him, you force yourself to leave his room so you could let him be.

 

Bucky Barnes just remained there for a long time, even when he heard the water running in the bathroom, he just couldn't move. He was trying to sort out his thoughts and feelings, evaluate his own actions and even yours, but he couldn't, and he was too tired indeed, so he turned off the lights and walked back to the couch.

 

You had a quick shower, and even though you almost passed out in the shower cabin, you feel much more refreshed, especially wearing your pajamas. You just fell onto the bed, trying to fall asleep but even if you’re so fucking tired, you can’t sleep. Ending your agony, you sit up and turn on the lights, thinking about doing something eventually, but then you notice Bucky's shirt, and… you become _tempted_.

 

You know it’s silly, and it’s most certainly stupid and childish, but you stand up and grab it. First, you wanted to change into it, but you don't want to make it all sweaty so you decide you just lay it next to you.

 

You’re holding it close, burying your face in it, and soon Bucky Barnes’ scent allures you to sleep, the familiar aroma soothing you, sending you to dangerous territories, but you’re just feeling too damn good to be rational and you forgive yourself for being a little lovesick.

 

It may be a sin, but you're only causing harm for yourself, and maybe you can get away with that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... so first things first: I'm gonna comment on the chapter first, and then I'll be whining about my problems, so anyone can decide if you wanna continue reading or not.
> 
> About the chapter: I have no idea how this escalated into a 8k words chapter, I'm pretty amazed at myself, like nothing actually happens, and I just keep rambling about shit ^^
> 
> I actually wanted to split this into two chapters, but my beta and first readers told me not to, and I didnt wanna write two separate notes to the chapters either, so I listened to them, ehehe.
> 
> I always forget what I wanted to say... Oh right, I'm sorry for the repetition, it's just my english sucks and I have a pretty basic vocab, so i keep repeating the same things, lmao. I'm trying to learn new words but i always forget them.
> 
> Adding Bucky's POV is quite challenging cause I didnt plan it, but tbh the story changed quite much, sometimes I dont even recognise it. It was planned to be shorter, but I kept adding the filler chapters, and now the whole things is out of control, and...
> 
> I'm gonna explicate this, but first I'd love to say that I dedicate the TV watching to Paula, cause she wanted a scene like that. I refused first, but now it seemed fit, so I went for it. And I'm pretty sure I wanted to talk about a lot more things, but I cant recall them and Im running out of characters, so I'll try to keep it short.
> 
> So the thing with the story, I dont know why I got writer's block, maybe we're just approaching the end and I dont want to end it, but I cant add filler chapters forever, cause i'm running out of ideas, and I feel like I'm only repeating myself and complicate things and make them worse. This story is really dear to my heart, and I dont wanna mess it up. I have some concerns about certain things that will happen later, and I'm not sure if I wanna go in that direction with some characters, so I feel like I should think through some things. I just need more time, cause I feel like I have to change some things in it, but I dont know how yet. And I dont wanna ruin it. (Yes, i'm pretty anxious, and I'm especially anxious about messing this up, please, bear with me.)
> 
> About myself: I went on vacation for two weeks at the end of august and writer's block hit me, I got tired of writing cause I was writing a lot in my free time, and I just had enough of not doing anything else and I just needed a break because I felt like writing was consuming me. I mean I love writing, but I got fed up and tired, and shit, and I wanted to clear my head. And then things happened, I left my job, found another one but left that too cause it sucked, and now I'm back in school -- it's an intensive course, only one month long -- and the subjects I'm studying are difficult and shit, and I'm really anxious and busy, and busy means I'm whining all the time and I'm a crybaby. XD
> 
> Long story short, I was trying to reconnect with my writer skills and get them back, but I couldnt, and I didnt really write apart from a few one shots but I couldn't finish most of them either, so like a lot of things are just hanging with me right now.
> 
> I was struggling a lot with Targeted, like I knew what I wanted to do with the plot, but it didnt come together, I got annoyed and anxious, I felt pressured because of you all waiting too. Anyway, I dont wanna bore anyone with the details, I'm having a really difficult time right now, but I'm trying to get back to writing. Sometimes I just feel like I lost that spark, or whatever, and it takes a lot more time for me to write than it used to, it's just too time-consuming. Maybe it's just a phase, and because I'm having trouble with my personal life too, idk, but I won't give up on the story! I don't want to abandon it either,so that won't happen! 
> 
> I'm trying not to have too long breaks between uploading new chapters, but I cannot promise anything. One thing is for sure: I wont stop continuing the story, and you will get to see the end. :)
> 
> I feel like I have to say that I cannot write all the time, because it's tiring, and I still have writer's block, so please be patient with me.
> 
> Sorry for disappearing for so long, actually I'm pretty pissed with myself, I messed up a lot of things, but I wont say much about it now. I guess we all have that period when we're trying to get our shits together but then things go worse, and we're just trying to get through each day... I'm pretty negative and depressed right now (sorry for telling here) and all these current circumstances affect my writing, so shortly: everything sucks with me right now. My bad.
> 
> Anyway, thank you so much for sticking with me! Im planning on treating you with some really awesome things I hope you will eventually like and enjoy as much as I enjoy writing it.
> 
> I think that's all from me now, stay happy and safe, my lil' Plumz! *opens arms for a warm hug cause it's cold and she's freezing and begs for forgiveness*


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